Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

Some (not all) of the most vehemently “Chuck it all in and stay at home cos you deserve it hun” posts on here are quite obviously written by women who are educationally or professionally not high flyers and are quite happy in their old fashioned traditional bubbles. They don’t have careers, aspirations and probably won’t earn any more than childcare costs anyway so it makes sense for them to take time out of their crappy job.

For women who either have or want a career then it’s a more difficult balance in which working PT may be the right balance of working FT isn’t possible.

Going back to the long gone OP, discuss with your dh. Doesn’t matter what any of us say as we’re not picking up the bill.

@SaphfireRose

Are you going to explain where I, and i quote, playing into the male narrative that women stay at home and do nothing all day

OP has not been back, has s/he. So, did you get the fight you wanted?

@Scaredmumxx no one gives a crap what you do, the point is you keep bleating on about how going to work means you don't prioritise your children. But then moan when people say why they feel they wouldn't want to be a SAHM. Hypocrite much? Also your dispesning quals will have lapsed by then, so I wouldn't count on walking into another job that easily.

Im a bit confused by your OP? Do you want to go part time or do you just want to leave altogether.
Why are you TTC no.2 when your mental health is taking a hit and you want to quit your job leaving you fucked financially??
Im stumped...

I don't think OP is coming back...

@Scaredmumxx

My DS has been in full time childcare (childminder and then nursery) since he was 6 months old. Why?

• so that I could keep a roof over our head and put food on the table.

I think my childcare costs were £56K up the point he started school. If I had stayed at home I would have had to have sold my house and claimed benefits. I'd have also lost significantly more than the £56K I paid in childcare in present/ future earnings as I'd not have been able to re-enter my career at the same point I left it.

My son is confident, loved and I absolutely resent the fact that you think someone else raised him.

All my spare time is centered around him.

I'm proud of what I have achieved and my son is proud of the fact that Mummy works and what I do.

Your posts are incredibly judgmental. Do you have any idea of the guilt that working parents feel? I feel guilty that I can't spend more time with my son. I feel guilt that I can't spend as long as work as my colleagues.

Now I appreciate that my situation is different to many. I'm a long parent and my son wasn't planned.

Incidentally, nearly all my son's friends parents work full time and worked while the children were small. Its not about the luxuries. Its about being able to pay the mortgage!

OP has not been back, has s/he. So, did you get the fight you wanted?

This.

I think its either the Daily Fail or another lazy lot of journalists, sociologists or someone writing yet another ill researched book on What Women Want.

I personally think we have an influx of MRAs that want proof women on Mn are their version of gold diggers and just think about mens money.

Theres been a few. All seemingly wanting women to agree, that men dont get a say and women get to do want and men just have to keep handing over cash.

I have thought a few threads seem to eant people to say variations of 'yeah he should pay and you do what you want, hun!'

generous maternity package, preceded by a number of years high paid work - wow that's certainly an achievement. I get paid well, but would have been a challenge to save enough, so I can live comfortably without income and without being supported by DH until all children are in full time education

Quite. A “generous maternity package” without golden handcuffs attached is also pretty unusual. I still suspect self financing SAHPs are relatively uncommon

I personally think we have an influx of MRAs that want proof women on Mn are their version of gold diggers and just think about mens money.

Can you imagine having to work so hard in hope of happening upon such evidence? Making up names and planting desperate threads to prove this big conspiracy that women use up men for an easy life and confirm your identity as the Columbo of the MRAs, and you lie in wait with your fingers crossed for a few posters among hundreds and hundreds to nudge the tripwire and then boom..."we knew you were all harpies"

Why you would want to have another child when you both can’t even sort yourselves out with one is beyond me.

But I suspect this isn’t really true is it....

You need to talk about possible solutions and both compromise otherwise this won't end well.

I don't think OP is coming back...
And yet MN still aren't sure if this poster has furry hands and lives under a bridge.

I'll be honest though, I find these sorts of threads eye opening. Most people I know, whether a SAHM or a WOHM, have the intelligence to understand that relationships are about compromises, that there's pros and cons of both set ups, that families will make the decision that is best for them and their children. They have respect in their relationships and believe that men/women should make informed choices, and that these choices should be reviewed periodically as the situation changes over time.

...Then I come on here and whilst most posters are sensible and understand this, others seem to want a return to the wifey at home looking after her hard working hubby and think they get mum stars for mumming better than anyone else.

@Scaredmumxx I work full time because if I didn't, we would lose our house and we wouldn't be able to put food on the table.
I know you've said that people in my position aren't who you are talking about, but the end result is the same. My child has been at nursery since he was 10 months old. Both DH and I work full time. DS is with nursery nurses, nursery teachers and grandparents 50+ hours a week. So the damage I'm causing my child is the same as the damaged caused by parents who work to afford their yaughts and private jets. Are you yelling me that my child doesn't feel loved? That he has been raised by other people? That I'm a bad mum to him? So what shall I do then? Go without food? Or send my child back cos I can't afford him?

We're all fucking muddling along in this life trying our best but no, no, no, no, you go ahead and hammer home what a shit person I am. I suppose my child would be better off if I fucking died, because then at least he and DH could be at home together and live off my life insurance and there would be no need to pay for childcare! It's a win fucking win.

I haven't rtft but bits and pieces but I have just read an interesting comment (sorry I didn't read the user name) about their memories of not seeing their dad as a child as he worked so much and this has struck a cord with me.

My DH's family was a 'traditional' 2.4 children home where dad worked and mum gave up work as soon as she had children (she did keep doing cash in hand cleaning jobs but they were very flexible and only a couple of hours twice a week so not particularly taxing). In contrast my FIL worked 3 jobs to enable them to afford for her to stay at home - this also allowed them to pay off their mortgage while still in their 40's. MIL never went back to a proper job and never worked more than the few hours cleaning each week.

My MIL is very proud of this and being a home maker/always there for her children etc but almost in the same breath now points out how her DH has worked himself into the ground. At 75 he is not well, can't walk far, repeated illness but by contrast she is reasonably fit and well. She will always mention the same things together, him working himself into the ground having three jobs to pay off the mortgage etc she doesn't seem to put two and two together to see that if she had gone back to work full time once the children were old enough or even once they were adults she could have relieved the financial burden from her husband and maybe he would have a fitter and healthier retirement.

I had a different childhood with a mother who had no hob prospects as she married at 17 and followed by dad around the country/world as he was in the forces. He left her for another women so by 27 she was a single mum of 3 with no real qualifications nor work experience. It was a touch childhood.

That shaped my determination to be able to provide for my family. I went to uni, i built a career and had my children. Yes I put my career on the back burner while my children were young and went part time and in this time my husbands career continued to move forward. However when the time was right I was able to apply for a better job and go full time and I know 'have it all' a career that is fulfilling and pays well, happy children and my husband - but if it all goes tits up tomorrow and something happens to my marriage or husband I can provide for my children. We wont be left on benefits or homeless. If I had given up work to be a sahm we would have a completely different life now.

Biancadelrioisback
What you've got to understand is that the posters who have a burning need to argue their choice to stay at home is morally superior have to argue that any alternative approach is somehow hugely damaging otherwise they'll have no reason to feel superior.
Of course, they want to make their smugness and sense of being top mum too distasteful so it suits them to characterise working mums as consumerists obsessed with money who should be ashamed of being less of a mum. When faced with the reality of most working mums, their arguments fall apart so they claim they don't mean mums like you, just all those other rich mums. If they want to feel morally superior then nursery causes damage for life and the mother is handing over parenting to strangers. If they get called out on how stupid that argument is then the "doesn't apply to you" emerges as they don't want to seem like an arse.

You're doing a great job and making the best choices you can for your family.

I feel one parent should be home some days to be a parent. To make their child lunch. To take them for a walk and hold their hand. To spend quality time with them and invest.

Yes quite, those days are called Saturday and Sunday

These threads predictably always go the same way... (this is why the OP set the ball rolling, obviously).

People will obviously get super-defensive if their parenting is called into question. People will equally get super-defensive if they are called dim or 1950s or whatever.

It just goes on ..., and on ...., and on ....,,

There is no winning this argument because this issue is -

A) instinctive

B) economic

In the case of A) - not all women feel an instinctive need to be around for their children day in day out, so they can’t comprehend that some women really do. This also applies in reverse. But nobody can tell someone else that their instincts are wrong, can they? So it just goes on....

Then, in regard to B), the bottom line is that some families need two incomes, some don’t. Some women have to work, some have the choice not to. All our decisions are made in specific contexts and, in another relationship / set of economic circumstances, we may well have made different choices.

So the only thing anyone is qualified to comment in is their own set-up. You can have no idea about where anyone else is coming from.

In real life, nobody gives a hoot about anyone else’s childcare arrangements or work-life balance.

In real life, nobody gives a hoot about anyone else’s childcare arrangements or work-life balance
That's true for most people's because most people have the empathy and intellect to know that different families have different set ups. Most people only care that others have made the right choice for their situation.

However, I think some really do care, because caring about other people's childcare arrangements allows them to reinforce their own belief that their way is morally superior and further allows them to believe that they are better class of mum.

To give an example, look at the loud minority on this thread who are incapable of separating "I chose to stay at home because it is what I personally wanted to do and I had a partner who was on board" from "staying at home is essential because otherwise you're not really parenting, maybe if people spent less time focusing on their children than on money the world would be a better place". Those people will hold those views offline as well.

LolaSmiles

Agree 100%!

I like how properly can people argue about an imaginary situation...

AllergicToAMop it's an opportunity for somepeople to argue their personal parenting arrangements are vastly superior to anyone else's. It's hardly surprising.

@LolaSmiles sounds like. It's quite obvious the post is fake so I find it amusing there is 400+ posts underneath arguing.

LolaSmiles

Definitely agree. Although the “I work to give my daughter a better example” minority are just as vocal (and just as misguided!)