Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

Because it's rude to tell me because I'm a sahm I won't survive when I'm old and I'm making bad choices. Why the hell am I making a bad choice being with my CHILDREN for a few years. I will be 34 when my son goes to school. I can then work for 30 years. It's ridiculous saying it's an issue.

I said all the way through this that parents who work are not in the wrong. Ideally a parent should be at least around part time for a couple of days in the week.

Children being in nursery full time is damaging in some ways. The lady above pointed out about mentsl health. I also ready last week that this generation of children are getting more and more depressed and struggling. It's shocking that parents don't see this. Nursery should be a fun experience age appropriate. I don't think a one-year old can cope with full time nursery. It's exhausting and mentally too much. They need more presence of their parents. One nursery worker to four children. She's also limited to what she can do. If your child's sad at nursery they can't always help as they are responsible for many others. I just feel we have become too busy. If we stop and look at the meaning of life and what it's all about instead of focusing on this modern world where it is all about money and not being allowed to breathe.

Some love their jobs and that's ok. Many don't want to work when the kids are in nappies.

The arguments I've had thrown at me for being home are.

When you are old and nearly dead where will you get money from.

Let's hope you don't need your kids to help you .
What will you do when your partner dumps you.

Nobody has ever said it's lovely you are with the kids

Isnt it nice to be making lots of memories with them and making the most of them.

Why are children expected to go to childcare so young for so long? The government has made it like this and made it so nobody can manage easily anymore Barr the odd people. Yes you get the people on benefits updating their houses every year. But I'm in a strong relationship with my partner. He works long hours. We have a mortgage that I paid Into for 7 years. I will pay into it again. He also has savings and is really sensible with money. We could go out doing more things but we know that's a bad idea. We talked about our situation before kids. we knew we had no family to do emergency pick ups etc. So we worked out I'd stay home u until youngest goes to school.

When I do go back to work I'll likely save alot of it up so we do have some security. I don't see why sahm are always so rudely put down. It's a fact children need parents to survive and we should be around for them. We will see the result in 20 years.

Teenagers are often sods now and they will only get worse and worse. Kids are certainly not improving with these busy working parents. They walk around with phones at 8 years old. Teenagers swear and gob off Infront of adults and kids. There's a huge lack of respect. Mental health is shocking now. Maybe it's the lack of one on one parenting at a young age. Imagine wanting mummy and not being able to talk yet. It's all a mess but everyone gets so offended and starts bullying sahm. The op wants to be with her baby and so she should if they can manage

Most children do not actually remember that much from their first years. If you want to remember you being around all the time, you should indeed homeschool

What nonsense. Children might not 'remember' but they are very much affected. Which is why many parents seek the best alternative care provision they can afford. Because they know it matters.

Because it's rude to tell me because I'm a sahm I won't survive when I'm old and I'm making bad choices.

Oh the irony. Can you say hypocrite?

You have said far worse about working parents. And yes if you become a sahm and dont think about the consquences and try and mitigate them, then you havent thought it through fully. 30 years of pension payments, on a decent wage still isnt great. And I hope to god, you are actually married or have independent means of financing yourself.

You have put working parents down in every single post.

I'm an academic at a university and teach in a department which also offers early years and childhood studies. I have taught on these courses and work closely with the academics who know the research relating to child development inside out. All the staff I work with ( mainly women) work full time and have used childcare. Do you think they'd do that if they were damaging the kids?

Poverty is the biggest factor in a child's development. All the studies that talk about childcare being 'bad' are talking about poor quality childcare. Good quality childcare is beneficial.

@shadyshadow

I can't take you seriously because you are trying to argue my kids don't belong to me. You are just picking a silly fight. Read my posts again and you will see I've said working is good and nursery is good in small chunks. The op is not unreasonable for wanting to be with her baby. Stop being so snappy!

Teenagers are often sods now and they will only get worse and worse. Kids are certainly not improving with these busy working parents. They walk around with phones at 8 years old. Teenagers swear and gob off Infront of adults and kids. There's a huge lack of respect. Mental health is shocking now. Maybe it's the lack of one on one parenting at a young age. Imagine wanting mummy and not being able to talk yet. It's all a mess but everyone gets so offended and starts bullying sahm. The op wants to be with her baby and so she should if they can manage

Actually, theres no evidence teenagers are worse.

I went to a small secondary school. 6 people in my year committed suicide since we left. Looking back it was obvious they had mental health problems. But the attitude was that teenagers didnt have mental health issues. They were 'problem children's.

Things like that are paid attention to more, recorded more. Nom ofvthose kids had any outside involvement, so werent in any stats.

I can't take you seriously because you are trying to argue my kids don't belong to me. You are just picking a silly fight. Read my posts again and you will see I've said working is good and nursery is good in small chunks. The op is not unreasonable for wanting to be with her baby. Stop being so snappy!

Your kids dont belong to you. It's a fact. I cab see from your posts, you dint understand what a fact is.

Op isnt unreasonable to want to be at home. I havent said that.

She is unreasonable to think her husband has to be the sole or main provider.

Scaredmumxx

I'm sorry but every single post you have submitted has basically slammed full time working parents. When I pointed out some people need to do this to be able to afford a roof over their heads and food on the table I was told I was bashing SAHP.

I very clearly wrote I would love to be a sahp bit unfortunately don't have the luxury to choose this. Having the choice is a luxury by the way.

Most wohms are not living it up in the Caribbean but you still push that people are just refusing to live without luxuries at the detriment to their children. This is not the case in many many households in the UK and you would do well to remember that.

Children might not 'remember' but they are very much affected.

That is a totally different argument and selective quoting on your part. My comment was a reply to a statement about children specifically 'remembering' the poster being around.

Poverty is the biggest factor in a child's development. All the studies that talk about childcare being 'bad' are talking about poor quality childcare. Good quality childcare is beneficial

This doesn't mean that the children of better off parents are not affected by attachment issues, just that it can be mitigated. And better off parents tend to choose child minding or Au pairs over nursery provision or a mixture. If I had to make a choice (and had the means) today I would always choose a childminder, less competition for attention, and a domestic atmosphere.

Who pays for these things then? There may well be some SAHPs of independent means, but I’d be surprised if there were many

I presume people like me - generous maternity package, preceded by a number of years high paid work, low mortgage due to when we bought, no uni debt. Actually me giving up work was 100% best for both ex-H and me, however his opinion wasn’t the deciding factor given it wouldn’t cost him any more

Of course, all children and families are different. I want suggesting affluent families don't encounter issues.

We chose a high quality nursery because we liked what we saw, loved the staff and pretty much every child in the village attended before moving to the local school. It's what worked for us.

generous maternity package, preceded by a number of years high paid work - wow that's certainly an achievement. I get paid well, but would have been a challenge to save enough, so I can live comfortably without income and without being supported by DH until all children are in full time education.

wow that's certainly an achievement. I get paid well, but would have been a challenge to save enough, so I can live comfortably without income and without being supported by DH until all children are in full time education

I did mention low living costs etc. I also worked through uni and left without debt and plenty of money. We bought a house together and sold it for 100% profit etc. I was very lucky, because it meant I could take a 7 year break to be a SAHM.

But that is lucky.

The majority of sahm are jot in that position. Though, I agree some are.

Theres an alarming amount that have no independent money or plan for their future. And alot of them arent even married living in a house without their name on it.

That's far more common than a sahm who can self fund AND have good independent pensions etc.

To be honest @Scaredmumxx I think it says quite a lot that you didn't even acknowledge what @Shadyshadow said they had been through in the past. I'd hope you're teaching your children to be kinder about such serious things.

Sorry you went through that @Shadyshadow and I'm so glad you were able to get out.

I think the issue here is that both sides are so used to defending their position that often both come at it from a defensive standpoint.

However, posts from people such as @Scaredmumxx are absolutely dripping with the implication that a working mum is not putting her child first. You've made emotive statements such as saying someone else is raising a working mums kids, then backtracking when someone asks if the same is true of school because yours will go to school.

It's really sad to see on this thread how aggressively people will attack others who make difference choices. I have no stake in this as I'm not yet a parent, but the nastiness on this particular thread has predominantly been in the posts saying working parents aren't putting their kids first / raising their own kids / are choosing cars and yachts wtf over their children.

Scared mum
"My choice is to stay home with my children. I've worked 10 years full time before my kids. I will go back one day when they don't need me. They come first right now.

I expect my partner to pay for me when I'm old wink"

By that logic you being a SAHM for the 4 years before your child starts school means not only does your husband have to be 100% financially responsible for those four years-but also for your retirement too? Jesus. poor sod is getting a raw deal their.

Also, on your point about animals raising their own young...most mammals are raised in family groups not solely their parents.

You are completely entitled to your opinion but anecdotal stories about the nursery your cousin works in are not facts about parenting and working.
But i'll give you my anecdote:
Both me and my OH work full time always have. At first it was financial reasons but now it's because I love my career. That does not make me a bad parent. My job is part of my identity, my responsibility as a parent is to keep my child fed, clothed and safe- not to sacrifice who I am entirely for their benefit. I work because it is good for my well being, I definitely don't need to work we earn well into 6 figures.
My DD 100% feels loved and parented and supported by me.
She wasn't raised by nursery, but as an only child nursery taught her social skills.
She is a wonderful well rounded person who at 10 can hold her own in a conversation in a room full of well educated adults.
Those "luxuries" you seem to think unimportant have enriched her life greatly. We travel a lot. She has experienced things most people will never experience in a lifetime. (hiking in Yosemite, walking the entire rota Vincentina carrying her own equipment, sleeping in the natural history museum, learning to surf, learning a second language...i could go on)

My daughter has a love for learning and being the best she can be as she has watched me study for professional qualifications, she tells her teacher constantly how proud she is that I am her mum and how she wants to be like me when she is older.

She swims for the county because our finances meant I could support her hobby.

I work full time in a high level career and yet still accompany her to her clubs every evening of the week (Dance, Swimming, Tennis) and she sees me watch her with pride, she sees me there. Presenteeism does not always equal performance or value. My Daughter gets 100% quality time with me and her Dad.
In the holidays i don't 'stick' her in childcare she gets lovely weeks with her aunts and cousins in the summer so that her family circle is bigger.

There is no right or wrong in the SAHM/WOHM debate as to what makes kids thrive....There is something hugely wrong with pushing your ideals on the person that is supposed to be your partner.
It has to be a joint agreement and it's multi-faceted. being the sole earner is hugely stressful.

OP got her article written for her then 🤣

Sorry you went through that@Shadyshadowand I'm so glad you were able to get out.

Thank you. I am good. Thankfully due to my situation I was able to get out and get support. I am relatively unscathed compared to others.

But thank you x

Sorry meant to say I feel lucky and wish others had support.

Others are far more deserving of peoples concern.

They need more presence of their parents.

But what is being suggested isn't a presence of the parents, it's the presence of one parent. This is what it was like for me growing up. Do I remember my mum being there all the time? No. What I remember is not seeing my dad enough while he was working overtime, night shifts and taking on managerial roles which required more hours so he could earn enough for us all. For me that trade off absolutely wasn't worth it and it's often unfair on the working parent who has to sacrifice a lot of time with their children so their partner can spent every hour with them.

@Shadyshadow

You're so welcome.

Lots of us have been through similar and I like to think that while I personally align with your thoughts on this, even if I hugely disagreed with anyone's opinion on something like working and childcare, I would always be able to extend a hand of solidarity to a woman who had been abused.

It's sad to see someone respond aggressively while actively ignoring what you shared, as well as the point it illustrated. They will have seen it as they responded to other comments you made before and after. Especially when they're talking about guiding their children into adulthood.

I'd hope whatever childcare choices we all make, we try our best teach our children to be decent people.

Maroon85

That's actually a very valid point. Both my parents worked when my sisters and I were children. As a result I am equally close to both parents, because family time was all of us.
I have lovely memories of my dad walking us home from childcare in the evenings and playing silly running races, and my mother making us yummy morning porridge and having life changing epic conversations at bath time.

both parents had equal part in shaping who I am.

It’s a hard one OP. As has been said, you can’t just make big decisions off your own back and expect DH to go along with it, but at the same time he needs to be understanding about how you feel.

When I was pregnant with my first son I was in an office job, 9-5, five days a week, and as the end of my maternity leave approached I decided to change jobs as I didn’t want my son in full time childcare (it would have been 9 hours a day), four days a week.

My new job was more hours but because I worked such long shifts it meant I was only away from home 3 days a week and only had to use childcare for 2 of those days.

When I returned to work after my second baby I went part time because I felt so strongly about wanting to be at home with my children as much as possible.

I didn’t just take it upon myself to make this decision though, I had a long discussion with DH about whether we could afford it and whether he was happy about it (in terms of whether he felt it was fair) and ultimately I reduced my hours by a third.

You are well within your rights to want to spend as much time with your child as you want, but you need to discuss it with your DH, not just tell him what you want to do.

It’s about honestly and compromise and listening to each other to reach an answer that you are both happy with.

it's rude to tell me because I'm a sahm I won't survive when I'm old and I'm making bad choices.

But it's not rude to tell working mums that they aren't raising their kids and that nurseries are damaging? FFS listen to yourself.

Why the hell am I making a bad choice being with my CHILDREN for a few years.

The thing that you (and everyone else) needs to face up to is that there are no perfect choices. By staying at home, you are compromising your long term financial security. You'll see the effects of that later on.

Very few people are in a position where they can stay at home without compromising this. That's what we should be focusing on. However, presenting your position as the 'right' one, having clearly not thought the implications through, doesn't help the debate.