Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

JacquesHammer
Very true.

I'd like to think most people would fall into the camp of "I have made an informed decision over how my finances/household is structured. This is done respectfully between DP and I and with mutual agreement. I will encourage my daughters to think critically about their situation before making any choices regarding their financial independence and support them in making an informed choice based on their personal circumstances".

Though the longer I'm on MN the less sure I am that some women want their fellow women to be well informed.

On a different note, why is money seen as a bad thing? Honestly some comments here sound like communist manifesto..
Being financially secure according to this thread is something shameful? You are only 'allowed' to work if it's that, or actual homelessness and starvation - you are not allowed to work if it's between scrimping and saving or comfortable life?

Quite honestly i would discuss and see if you can reduce hours until you're earning what DH earns. Then it's livable but he can't really complain because that's what he brings in... I wouldn't give up work completely as that would be idiotic. It would probably end your marriage as he's not ok with it.

G5000 not sure. But I work, exh works my dp works.

I am a higher earner. Dp doesnt need to work. He could be a stay at home step dad, house husband (partner) if he wanted. Wouldnt make a huge difference to us

I could work a less stressful job for less money. But then I probably wouldnt be able to run my own diary, work from home as much as I want. Have the savings to take a career break as I did, when I got divorced, only travel for work when I say I can.

I am more than happy with our choices. So are the kids who are old enough to tell me out right 'your the worst'. Except neither of them have. My elder teen girl hasnt even had a teenage bad patch.

We are good. I dont feel bad for working and earning well.

As I said, it was a life scare when exh had a breakdown, which end in him assaulting and raping me. My only regret is the money didnt make it easier to prove what he did and have him prosecuted or stop him being able to get a court order to see the kids. But a lack of money wouldnt have helped there either.

I have never been ashamed of keeping my career because I chose to or that I earn well.

Won't let you? You're an adult. I let my 12yo make bigger decisions than that. I hate to say it, but LTB.

Won't let you? You're an adult. I let my 12yo make bigger decisions than that.

Is your 12 year old half financially responsible for your household?

It's been established he cant stop her. But he cab also quit his job or leave her.

If dp just left his job and decided he was staying at home, I would leave him too.

Dp doesnt need to work. He could be a stay at home step dad, house husband (partner) if he wanted

Yes same here, and DH actually was a SAHD when DC1 was a baby. But it was a joint decision, he didn't declare that that's his decision and I have to finance it, whether I like it or not.

Some of these comments are a damn disgrace. There are pros and cons, positives and negatives, benefits and sacrifices to all parental working situations. There is no perfect way to parent. The bashing working parents have been getting from the stay at homes, and vice versa have been shocking. Different strokes for different folks. Do what works for you, but also accept what works for you doesnt work for other people. That doesnt make any ones choices more right, or anyones parents better, than anyone elses.

On a different note, why is money seen as a bad thing?
Oh you misunderstand, money isn't a bad thing... As long as the man earns it as part of his god-ordained place as breadwinner and financial facilitator of his wife's wishes.

If a woman earns her own money and wishes to remain financially stable in her own right she is frivolous and needs to spend more time loving her children and less time wanting to spend her pennies on nice handbags and nails.

Just to be clear I do think it is, generally, better for children's mental health to have a primary care giver in their formative years, which requires one parent being available to meet the majority of their needs, and I do wonder if there is a link between the increase in use of full time childcare settings and a raise in MH issues amongst children/adolescents. I'm certainly not suggesting it is THE reason. I definitely wouldn't say it to anyone in RL as it is such a contentious issue and I wouldn't want to personally upset anyone, we all do what we need to do (I also feel extremely lucky as it isn't something I've ever had to do or consider doing and obviously I wouldn't want to). However it is something that I've wondered about and am happy to share my opinions here as I don't imagine anyone should take my anonymous musings to heart. It's just an opinion after all, we all have them.

That's actually a very valid point. Both my parents worked when my sisters and I were children. As a result I am equally close to both parents, because family time was all of us.
I have lovely memories of my dad walking us home from childcare in the evenings and playing silly running races, and my mother making us yummy morning porridge and having life changing epic conversations at bath time.

@BrimfulofSasha thank you for sharing that! We are in a similar setup where we share breakfasts and bedtimes, drop offs and pickups between us four days a week. We make a huge effort to be really present for the kids when we are with them and that they get equal time (including equal one on one) with each of us.

It's so lovely to hear it worked well for your family. Fills me with hope as we do have lovely times as a family when I'm not nagging about shoes and bags .

Yes same here, and DH actually was a SAHD when DC1 was a baby. But it was a joint decision, he didn't declare that that's his decision and I have to finance it, whether I like it or not.

Exactly. I am not against sahp, in general. Though I think whoever choice you make you need ti think of the risks and consquences. But it always needs to be a joint decision.

theendoftheendoftheend the issue is that you have no evidence. You just decided that. There are people on this thread that wish they parents had done it more evenly. I get you are aware theres no evidence.

But that's like me saying, the large amount of men that are useless parents is because their mums were stay at home mums and did too much for them, probably. Maybe not. Not sure.

Some sahps become to attached and smothering. Some wohm dont give a shit. Some sahp dont actually give a shit and just dont want to work. Some wohm are crap too. And most of both are good parents.

As was quoted before, poverty is the biggest impactor for children, rather than if their parents work.

I would bet a years wages that it comes down to the quality of parenting, rather than wether someone works or not.

I mean, shannon Matthew's mother was a sahp. I am sure she would have fared better with decent parents irrespective of wether they worked or not. Her mother was shit, because she was a shit. Nothing to do with being sahp.

theendoftheendoftheend the issue is that you have no evidence. You just decided that.

That is why I said 'It's just an opinion' and 'I do wonder', having no evidence is not an issue for either of those.

Yeah that's why I said 'I get that you know that' at the end of that paragraph.

I was just saying we could all 'muse' about things

It just sounds like an op to be judgy, without having to back up your opinion.

I was just saying we could all 'muse' about things

That's pretty much the whole of Mumsnet though, tbf. In fact, it's pretty much the starting point of all knowledge, just musing about thing.

I remember on a thread like this the OP didn't come back and I was saying look guys you are arguing with yourselves, the OP is NEVER coming back. And everyone jumped on me and said the OP may have gone but she's raised an amazing point and we are all having a lovely time discussing it.

Just saying. I'll get me coat,.

wonders why we still have Christmas emojis when in fact we need a tumbleweed one

In fact, it's pretty much the starting point of all knowledge, just musing about thing.

Only if you bother taking it further.

Well, yes.

What are you expecting thernd to do exactly to back up their opinion? Is it really necessary to back up every opinion we share on here? Sounds tiresome.

Well, I'm expecting qualitative data by the end of the week.

God the comprehension is poor.

I am not saying g they have ti back up anything. I am saying we can all go

'Well I think children's poor mental health is because too many women just have babies to get benefits.....mind it's just my opinion.'

Its judgy as fuck, with no basis for the judging.

It's not better than the dicks, upthread who blamed nurseries for children's poor mental health.

Peculiar how musings outweigh evidence. Peculiar how correlation is confused with causation.

Four shiiiiit it just can't be done!

To be honest Shady I have no interest in attempting to evidence my opinion. It would make people who find my opinion upsetting feel even more judged then they possibly already do (they shouldn't, my opinion means fuck all at the end of the day) and it would give the appearance that I expect them to agree with me and want to show them they are wrong, which I don't.
Add to that the evidence out there is contradictory and we don't live in a society which really allows for SAHP for the vast majority of families, any suggestion we should move in that direction would cause a political storm for a number of reasons.

It's a contentious issue and most people have an opinion one way or another. Neither side is in a position to prove they're right so it really does just come down to opinion for now.

Some parents want to spend their time working, others want to spend it at home with their kids, hardly earth shattering news.
We wanted to spend time with our kids, aren't into buying stuff, can pay our bills out of the small amount coming into our home.
You live how you want to live, that's the freedom we have in this country.

Oh for fucks sake I wasn't at work today because I "want to spend my time working", I want to pay my mortgage and have a decent life for my dc and yes, use the qualifications I have and make a bit of a positive difference. And I work part time to have a better balance. How insulting to insinuate that working parents don't want to spend time with dc.