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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:43

@Shadyshadow you are mental lol

MyCatHatesEverybody · 29/01/2020 10:44

"You noticed that animals in the wild keep their young with them. That's how it's supposed to be."

This is a very valid point, as animals it's what we're naturally supposed to do. Which is handy because following that logic if you run short of cash and your DC are hungry they can eat their own poo, with the added bonus that if you get hungry you can eat them. Wink

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:44

you are mental lol

Nope, realistic.

It's a fact. You dont own your children.

A child under 4, doesnt belong more to their parents, than a child of 6 who goes to school.

You can not own a person. If you find facts 'mental', you may need to seek some professional help.

Divebar · 29/01/2020 10:45

I'll worry about being old later on

This has got disaster written all over it

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:47

This is a very valid point, as animals it's what we're naturally supposed to do. Which is handy because following that logic if you run short of cash and your DC are hungry they can eat their own poo, with the added bonus that if you get hungry you can eatthem.

They also turf them out very young, the minute they can fend for themselves, sometimes when they cant if it's time to have another baby. Imagine humans turfing kids out cause they can use the toaster. Or they cant use the toaster, but it's tough cause it's time to have another baby

Animals rarely have several of their own kids, of different ages, to take care of.

Whatnametoday5 · 29/01/2020 10:47

@Scaredmumxx

Both sets of my Grandmas worked? And my mother worked & I work :) between them they had 10 children - 5 females who also have all been wonderful parents with well adjusted children while holding down jobs.

All working class type jobs it isn’t about the luxury’s but surviving being able to pay the bills keeping a roof over heads. My Grandad used to tell me stories of my GGrandma having to share a pair of shoes to go to work with the neighbour - they worked as they trying to pull out of the poverty and didn’t want that same for their children.

I do believe it’s people choices whether they SAHP or not but no one should feel they are doing wrong by their children whatever choice they make. I will never judge either way.

Sierra259 · 29/01/2020 10:47

Another one here whose career would have been royally screwed by taking several years off. I would never have got a job at my current level without having to do a Masters degree now. Then have to go through a horrendous re-registration process for my professional body. Plus, I was in a much stronger position as a known and (hopefully!) valued employee to negotiate the hours that suited me. It's all very well saying SAHP can just "go back to work when the kids start school" but by then you need a job around school hours/holidays and your kids have never had any experience of childcare.

Yes, early years are important, but I wasn't going to fuck up my employment prospects, long term income and pension for the sake of 5-6 years. For US, me working part-time was the best solution, and we have decided to keep my hours the same even when DC2 starts school this year. We are fortunate to have the choice, many don't. The key thing is, we discussed the pros and cons together and made the decision that's best both short and long term for our circumstances. It's not one person's decision to make, and one size doesn't fit all.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:48

They belong to me in the sense they are my DNA, blood and my children. I'm their mother. Ofcourse they are mine. Obviously when they are grown up I can't say you are mine never leave. They are their own person. I will just agree to disagree with you too. We see things very differently

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 10:50

I'll worry about being old later on when the kids are abit older

Right. That’s responsible and thought through then.

Here’s hoping you won’t end up relying on your children to provide for you.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:50

Get a grip at least they will remember I was around for them!!!?

DesLynamsMoustache · 29/01/2020 10:51

The thing is, it's largely pointless saying that kids should have a parent at home for the first X years. I think a lot of people do know the benefits of that, but it's a case of society not being particularly well set up for women to leave employment and then re-enter, as well as not economically set up for a parent to stay at home. If you earn minimum wage then yes, staying at home is probably cheaper than paying for full time childcare, or at least as close as. But plenty of women aren't on minimum wage jobs and their income makes a substantial difference to their standard of life and the opportunities their child has access to.

It's important to me to be around for my child's first few years and yes, I think it is preferable when all things are equal. But there are huge variances in people's lives, situations, and personalities, and what works for me won't work for others. I choose to work in the evenings and around naps. etc so I can be with my DD during the day, but not everyone a) has that kind of opportunity and b) would want that lifestyle.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:51

You might rely on yours.

Ironically my partner's sisters a Dr. She relies heavily on her mother for childcare and help with the house. Her mum's knackered!!!

SueEllenMishke · 29/01/2020 10:51

For a start my child has never been to the Carribbean. We do Haven a lot and have a caravan. He is getting to go to Singapore this year but my work is actually paying for us both.

My career is very important to me. I've spent years building it and don't feel I need to give it up just because I had a child. Nobody ever asks dads to do that do they?

Just because I have a career and work full time doesn't mean I don't prioritise my child. He went to an amazing nursery in the tiny village we live in - he benefited enormously from that experience. Because I chose to maintain my career I now have a huge amount of flexibility. I WFH at least 2 days a week so do the school run. I've never missed a school play, assembly etc. Even when I do go into work we're home by 5.30 at the latest.

Me working means I'm financially independent should anything happen to my DH. It means I have a good pension and most importantly I have a balanced life.
It's okay to love your career. It doesn't mean you love your child any less.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:51

They dont belong to you.

Sharing DNA has nothing to do with ownership. They dont belong to you anymore than they belong to the school when they start going.

How do the school take part ownership? If DNA denotes ownership.?

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 10:52

at least they will remember I was around for them

As will all our children.

However, mine will be set up financially to the best of my ability. And I’ll have provided for my own retirement.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:53

I cba with @shadyshadow

You ask weird questions.

Whatnametoday5 · 29/01/2020 10:54

@Scaredmumxx

I don’t understand that statement- ‘get a grip at least they will remember I was around for them’

my parents worked & I remember them being their for me? Got to the old age of 42 fairly secure in myself & good relationships with parents?!?!

Thoughtlessinengland · 29/01/2020 10:56

I think it could be part of the reason for the increase in MH issues in adolescents, which seems to have coincided with more childcare being provided outside of the family unit

Ooooh a correlation causation one! Cool. So - A has gone up in last decades. B has also gone up in last decades. How does that prove a linkage between A and B? Perhaps C has also gone up in last decades? And perhaps D has come down? How do we know which factor correlated with which other and how then do we know what factor has caused what? Surely you cannot possibly be implying that two random factors occurring in the same time means they are in a causal relationship? Because I dunno - that would be like saying - the use of sliced bread has gone up in the last thirty years as opposed to home baked bread. The use of advanced nail paint has also gone up in recent years. This must mean the two are in a causal relationship and that people aren’t baking as much bread these days because: protect that expensive nail paint! Stupid conclusion right? Yet how randomly easily causal connections are established like above. Just because

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 29/01/2020 10:57

The difference in Equality and Equity is the taking into consideration that popping children out is NOT A DROP AND RUN EXERCISE, mentally, emotionally, physically nor biologically! When keeping up status and with the Jones's is more important than family health and well-being, I despair.

I totally agree with this. And was going to make this point.

choli · 29/01/2020 10:57

I'll worry about being old later on
More accurately you will expect your children to support you due to your "sacrifice". I doubt they'll think it was worth it

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:57

You ask weird questions.

Nope. You spout shit and dont know what you are saying.

Yous aid your kids only belong to you for the first 4 years. Then that they belong to you because of dna.

So at what point does the school take part ownership? And how is that possible if DNA means they belong to you?

Wasnt it you talking about kids being used like commodities or dogs?

I own my dog. In law, hmshe is my possession. The fact that I have a dog Walker 2 days a week, doesnt mean they part own her.

You make no sense.

You dont own a child, neither does a school.

JacquesHammer · 29/01/2020 10:58

Well this escalated.

Just a quick point - SAHM doesn’t always equal someone else subsiding you, nor does it mean you aren’t providing for your old age.

Lots of assumptions and sweeping statements on “both sides” here.

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 11:03

Just a quick point - SAHM doesn’t always equal someone else subsiding you, nor does it mean you aren’t providing for your old age.

Who pays for these things then? There may well be some SAHPs of independent means, but I’d be surprised if there were many.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2020 11:03

at least they will remember I was around for them

Most children do not actually remember that much from their first years. If you want to remember you being around all the time, you should indeed homeschool.

katewhinesalot · 29/01/2020 11:05

Compromise is the answer.
I also think that it's difficult to reenter the workplace after a long time as a sahm shop for that reason party time is the better option.

If you don't agree to the extra hours will you be out of a job? Can you drop another day, take a small pay cut and they employ another person to take up the slack and the extra work?