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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
G5000 · 29/01/2020 10:33

They get 4 years before the government send them to school until 17. You literally get 4 years where they belong to you. 4 years where you choose how to raise them. You get to speak them in. You get to teach them. Then they have to shape around teachers and classrooms.

You can homeschool. You are just choosing to send your kids to those classrooms to be shaped by teachers, instead of raising them yourself.

choli · 29/01/2020 10:34

So your husband would rather stick your child in nursery
I know many children who attend a nursery. I know none whose parents "stick" them there.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:34

@LaurieMarlow

My choice is to stay home with my children. I've worked 10 years full time before my kids. I will go back one day when they don't need me. They come first right now.

I expect my partner to pay for me when I'm old Wink

Igotthemheavyboobs · 29/01/2020 10:34

Raise your hand if you're feeling sufficiently shit that you have to work but still can't take your children away to Butlins for the week let alone the Caribbean 🙋‍♀️

theendoftheendoftheend · 29/01/2020 10:34

Agree with Scaredmumxx , I know it's not a popular idea as some people have to send DC to nursery, but putting a child in full time nursery from a very young age means they don't get to have a primary care giver, it's not about quality time it's about quantity time, who is consistently there to ensure their needs are met. Personally (so, doesn't mean it's true!) I think it could be part of the reason for the increase in MH issues in adolescents, which seems to have coincided with more childcare being provided outside of the family unit.

choli · 29/01/2020 10:35

I expect my partner to pay for me when I'm old wink
Good luck with that

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:35

@G5000

See what you did there hahahaha Grin

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:35

But maybe you haven’t had a decent career @Scaredmumxx in which case it’s going to be difficult to relate to people who do. I studied and trained for 7 years to become qualified to do my job. It’s a lot to give up to go and work in Tesco is a call centre for 12 hours a week.

namechangetheworld · 29/01/2020 10:35

Can you STOP banging on about foreign holidays. It’s not about that.

The OP literally said that her husband wouldn't give up his foreign holidays and posh cars to enable her to stay at home.

Patroclus · 29/01/2020 10:36

Ahhh just get a better job! why havnt we all thought of that?

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:36

@choli

Thanks lol!!! I love Mumsnet. Taking 7 years out whilst the kids are young is going to destroy my future. Even though I'd loose my money to childcare

Yestermost · 29/01/2020 10:36

It is about that holidays and cars in this scenario. I went PT for years and we gave up a car and had much cheaper holidays, buy all our clothes second hand. I know some people already do that and work FT but this in jit the case here.

Im now full time and loved having those years with the kids. DH is now going tp drop down to 4 days and we will tighten everything again so he can enjoy a few months of time to himself and doing some activiites he enjoys. Yes we will be less well off (we earn under national average for our family size) but for us enjoying time ia more important.

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

crispysausagerolls · 29/01/2020 10:37

@Scaredmumxx

I don’t disagree with a lot of what you are saying - but I’m not sure how helpful it is to say these things. Yes, some people could shop at Asda not Waitrose, downgrade to one car and have less holidays, and one parent could stay at home. Which I personally believe is optimal.

But that’s not the case for a lot of people. That’s just the society we live in and the way in which things are economically structured. I am extremely lucky to stay at home and I am grateful for it; but I think it’s quite “mean” to express my genuine feelings about childcare or nursery blah blah to friends in real life. I wouldn’t do it. It doesn’t help them. And it doesn’t really help on these boards. No one will admit it (and I will get shouted down), but people feel guilty and get defensive and you will only get argued with/insulted. Nobody will change their mind, because they cannot afford to for whatever reason (and that’s their business).

I don’t think by the way that most men do have the same bond as a mother who has carried their baby and breastfed etc etc but that’s me. That’s the wrong opinion on MN but there it is. My husband adores our son but would never want to stay at home with him and he often remarks that the love our son has for me is extremely special/unique and different to the love he sees he has for him. Could just be that way as I have always done feeding/nights/stay at home. But seems quite natural to me that the woman is the maternal one with the bond.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:38

You literally get 4 years where they belong to you.

Your children, dont belong to you at any point. Or the school or the government.

They are possessions. You have responsibilities to your children. You do not own them.

My exh was brilliant. He had a breakdown and became abusive, then raped me.

I left, bought a house, set me and my kids up. No problems with Bill's. Took a year off work to get us settled and support the kids.

Guess why I could do that. Because I had a career. I didnt have to stick in the abusive household. I didnt need to go into a shelter. I could afford time off. When my older kids needed me I was there.

So, yes, I have a career and my kids are my priority.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:38

@ClappyFlappy.

I worked in a pharmacy. Nope not a special career person. Can go back into it one day if I choose I have certificates in dispensing. My partner has a good job so we do alright. We are sensible though. I do understand people have careers.

I'm saying simply that yes the op should have a couple of days a week home with the one year old.she is a baby and needs to see her mum. Just my view!

olivehater · 29/01/2020 10:39

I don’t think can make a straight comparison with men and women. Women are more inclined to want to be with their children when they are very little. It’s just biology. An no I know not all women are.

I think a compromise needs to be reached. You cannot put the burden of being the sole earner on him as he clearly doesn’t want it. He needs to compromise on his expensive lifestyle a bit. Dropping your hours to part time, maybe starting at 4 days a week if it’s possible, might be a start and see how you fair from there. Often a small reduction in pay sees not such a reduction in takehome especially when you count in Nursery fees etc, jumping down tax brackets etc. You haven’t said what your and Dh earnings are so it’s hard to advise really. Is there a huge disparity? That would makes a difference.

Winniefred · 29/01/2020 10:39

Hmm.... Equality .... Pros you both work full time, Cons: You: You work full time, are still BF and still in recovery mode from birth, while trying for another. DP. Works full time, gets a nice car and good holidays.

Hmm....Equity .... Pros you work part time, give your baby more one to one at the deepest learning curve time of their life and give your body time to settle ready to try for B2. DP works full time. Down sizes on car and holidays for a few years to raise a family.

If giving up on posher cars and holidays is his main concern, then in my world he is not Father Material and I would not be having another child with him until he gets over his self centred attitude. The difference in Equality and Equity is the taking into consideration that popping children out is NOT A DROP AND RUN EXERCISE, mentally, emotionally, physically nor biologically! When keeping up status and with the Jones's is more important than family health and well-being, I despair.

Good luck, hope you get to a rational, sensible conclusion that works for you both and most importantly the children you both chose to nurture!

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 10:39

The OP literally said that her husband wouldn't give up his foreign holidays and posh cars to enable her to stay at home.

Pension provision is still very relevant to the conversation.

If money that should be going on securing finances long term is being frittered on holidays, that’s a problem.

Becoming a SAHM isn’t the answer to that problem.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:39

@Shadyshadow

Riggggggght lol. They are mine. The law says they need an education. But they still belong to me until they are adults. I can't just leave them at the park and say they don't belong to me!

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:40

Oh and yes, I do have a lovely car. It's a company car though. But its costs me less in tax than I spent a year on my old banger, so I assume that's acceptable

Patroclus · 29/01/2020 10:40

I seriously wonder how people on here get through the day without being scammed nonstop. Its a friggin dreamworld.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:41

They are mine. The law says they need an education. But they still belong to me until they are adults. I can't just leave them at the park and say they don't belong to me!

No you are responsible for them. You dotn own them. The dont belong to you.

It's quite scary that you think you own another person.

G5000 · 29/01/2020 10:41

Taking 7 years out whilst the kids are young is going to destroy my future.

If you want to go back woring 12 hours per week in Tesco's call centre, no taking some time out probably won't make a massive difference. (nothing wrong with call centres, bloody hard work, have done it myself). If on the other hand you have a highly paid managerial job like OP, it might seriously impact her career, and she will not be able to keep that job on 12 hours per week, school hours only.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:42

I'm a sahm to take care of my kids who have nobody else available. grandma doesn't want to babysit. Childcare is expensive and we manage on my partner's wage. I enjoy being with the kids. I'll worry about being old later on when the kids are abit older. Right now I'm living for now and I'm happy that we've had these years together