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Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 29/01/2020 10:16

But sahm are not doing what's right?

What? This doesn't make sense?

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 10:17

For some reason you are desperate to spread guilt amongst women who have to work, why? Are you getting some strange kick out of feeling superior?

The irony is that you don't see that we're merely responding to you spreading guilt amongst women who are SAHMs. You are playing into the male narrative that women stay at home and do nothing all day, when that is not the case. Do you get some strange kick out of feeling superior, and kicking sand in SAHMs eyes? Way to support the sisterhood (not).

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:18

Unless you are living the high life, a single income should be quite sufficient. It is for many people I know. It's doable because if it were not, there wouldn't be so many SAHMs on this forum

We could not survive on one salary. We don’t live the “high life”. We are having a week in a caravan in the U.K. this year and cars are several years old and not flashy. We live in a bog standard 3 bed semi in a nice but not posh area.

Is it really beyond your comprehension to understand that just because living on one salary is doable for some people it isn’t for everyone? We need both salaries to pay for the basics.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:18

@G5000

Do it when your kids are at school and need you less?

I think birth to 4 years is the years they are building there relationship with you and developing so many things. They will never develop more than they do in these years again. Having children means they are the first priority. If your career matters more then do that before kids.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:18

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars I agree, that people need to make their own choices.

But plenty of us, who have fair set ups, post here too. Just some people cant differentiate between mn and real life.

If you are doing most of the domestic work and working, you are with a cunt. The answer to your partner being a cunt, should never be to give up work. Why be financially reliant on a cunt?

SueEllenMishke · 29/01/2020 10:19

For the sake of 3 years???

If i had have left my job for 3 years I would not have been able to return to my career.

AhNowTed · 29/01/2020 10:19

Have to laugh at the idea that 2 parents work to have "fancy cars and a yacht"!

G5000 · 29/01/2020 10:20

Saphfire what if BOTH parents what to SAH? in this (I belive fictional, but nevertheless) situation that the OP describes, the husband also declares that he wants to be a SAHD, it's his decision, it's what's best for kids and he's just going to do it?

Igotthemheavyboobs · 29/01/2020 10:22

SaphfireRose

I don't think you understand irony, I have not anywhere said women who stay at home don't do anything, just that is is a luxury to have that choice. If I could be a sahm I would, unfortunately I cannot afford to do this. This is the point I have been making the whole time, that not everyone has the financial freedom to be able to choose to be a sahp. Please can you quote me where I said anything you have suggested please?

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:22

I think birth to 4 years is the years they are building there relationship with you and developing so many things. They will never develop more than they do in these years again. Having children means they are the first priority. If your career matters more then do that before kids.

I disagree. Kids in their teens developed at an alarming rate.

Kids of working parents are still bonded to their parents.

Or do you believe no man ever had a bond with his child?

You can have a career and have your kids as a priority. You may not get that, doesnt make it not true.

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 10:22

*Then your argument doesnt make sense. What does sahm, being norm years ago have to do with anything. What if both parents want to be a sahp.

Where is the mans 'natural' need to provide for his wife and child and let his wife stay home, if he is staying at home.

Non of your points make sense. And what if ops husband wants to go part time or be a sahp and she does too?*

Of course my points my sense if you actually think about them and not view them through an 'all SAHMs are bludgers' prism.

Saying that traditionally a man would want to provide does not conflict with the idea that whether it be husband or wife (or husband and husband or wife and wife - to cover all bases, since I know absolutely everything on here must be spelled out, no room for simple logical deductions), that it is desirable - IF POSSIBLE for one parent to stay at home.

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 10:23

Unless you are living the high life, a single income should be quite sufficient.

Firstly, lol.

Secondly, does longer term financial responsibility not matter to people any more? You might be able to cover bills, but are you putting aside enough for a decent pension for both of you? Do you have a good savings buffer? Are you putting money away for your child’s future?

Living from pay check to pay check and ignoring future needs isn’t a smart way to live in my book.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:23

Do it when your kids are at school and need you less?

Your kids are quite young arent they?

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:23

It's like parents who say they hate being home and work for their sanity. For the sake of 3 years???

It’s not 3 years. My eldest son was well over 5 when he started school and the youngest was nearly 5. If I hadn’t gone back to work until my youngest was at school then I’d have been out of the workforce over 7 years. Maybe if you’ve not had a good job or career that doesn’t matter but if you do then that’s a massive impact. Your career might never recover. And regardless of what you think, it is actually possible to value yourself and your career whilst also raising a family.

G5000 · 29/01/2020 10:23

Do it when your kids are at school and need you less?

Do what - start an interesting well paid career when DH are all over 4 years old, after being working 10-20 years in a minimum wage job with several SAHMing periods in between?

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 29/01/2020 10:24

@Shadyshadow exactly, which is why those threads probably encourage just as many women to be WOHM as they do SAHM - it just depends on their viewpoint. Neither option will work for all families and there’s lots to be taken into consideration. I can understand why the OP wants to be a SAHM, I don’t agree she should make that decision alone though.

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:24

You can have a career and have your kids as a priority. You may not get that, doesnt make it not true.

Exactly this

choli · 29/01/2020 10:25

I would never judge a SAHM because of those threads alone, equally because of those threads I’d never judge a WOHM. I think you have to make the judgement based on your individual family and family needs.
And be fussier about choosing the father of your kids.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 10:26

Of course my points my sense if you actually think about them and not view them through an 'all SAHMs are bludgers' prism.

I think if being a sahm is the right personal choice that you make as a family, its ni one elses business. I dint have an opinion on sahp.

I have an opinion on people demanding that men must be the sole financial provider, cause someone stuck in the 1950s, say so.

Saying that traditionally a man would want to provide does not conflict with the idea that whether it be husband or wife (or husband and husband or wife and wife - to cover all bases, since I know absolutely everything on here must be spelled out, no room for simple logical deductions), that it is desirable -IF POSSIBLEfor one parent to stay at home.

No, that's not what you were saying.

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:26

@SueEllenMishke

So the kids just have to go out the way so you can build a career. They didn't ask to be born. They need a home life. They get 4 years before the government send them to school until 17. That's it then they are grown up. You literally get 4 years where they belong to you. 4 years where you choose how to raise them. You get to speak them in. You get to teach them. Then they have to shape around teachers and classrooms. It's important they get to socialise and nursery is good part time for this. But no I don't think children should be in nursery full time. It's exhausting for them. It's not home. it's a loud crazy place full of germs. They have feelings too. They don't want that. Some might love going but plenty cry and protest.

I'm not against nursery or working. But I feel one parent should be home some days to be a parent. To make their child lunch. To take them for a walk and hold their hand. To spend quality time with them and invest.

I respect people do it because they have no choice sometimes. But I also think plenty focus on I need my independence. They also have a car each.

My kids have a week in Dorset a year. It's beautiful. Having a UK holiday is just as decent as going abroad. People focus too much on things like that being crap. Kids are happy at Butlins for a week. They don't need a Carribbean holiday to be happy. People need to just learn to enjoy the early years abit more. Money and consumerism has taken over and the kids are coming second.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 29/01/2020 10:27

Sounds like you need to figure this financial stuff out before TTC number 2. I would go back to using contraception for now.

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 10:29

Kids are happy at Butlins for a week. They don't need a Carribbean holiday to be happy. People need to just learn to enjoy the early years abit more. Money and consumerism has taken over and the kids are coming second.

Can you STOP banging on about foreign holidays. It’s not about that.

How’s your pension provision?

Scaredmumxx · 29/01/2020 10:32

Just agree to disagree. I don't need to make you agree. Personally for me these years are more important than a career or not seeing my children all week. I take my child to school. I take care of my toddler and house. I cook and collect them from school again. I'm not ashamed of it. I'll be going back to work around the school day when my son's 5. Probably only 12 hours a week or something. That's my situation.

Op. Speak to your husband. Work out some figures. Tell him how life is so short and she will be at school before he knows it. Hope you can agree on something. Is don't blame you j really don't. It's the best thing I ever did.

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 10:33

Money and consumerism has taken over and the kids are coming second

Things like houses are more expensive now. My mum didn’t work until I started school and it was only 9 - 2 when she did and my Gran looked after us at lunchtimes. We went to preschool but no paid for nursery like there is now. But the housing market was such at the time my dad’s wage could cover the costs. When I was almost finished primary school my parents moved to a posh area despite having (in my dad’s case) an unskilled job and an ordinary office job in my mum’s case. The house has rocketed in value and no way could we even now with me being a professional and my husband in skilled work afford to buy one like it.

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 10:33

I have an opinion on people demanding that men must be the sole financial provider, cause someone stuck in the 1950s, say so.

I'm not suggesting that at all. I am merely responding to those who seem shocked at the thought that a man might provide for his family. As if this was same ancient philosophy. When it is not ancient of a 1950s thing at all.