Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

You aren't being unreasonable to want a less stressful job or less hours as a new mother. Your DH needs to understand that you are suffering, stress is affecting your health and your parenting, and these things unchecked can lead to far bigger problems than smaller cars and less holidays. Burnout is a real thing and can be a huge obstacle to overcome, prevention is so much better than a cure!
Nevertheless, it's a big step to go from the higher earner to SAHM and if your DH doesn't want to suddenly be the sole breadwinner that's understandable too.
You need to work through this together and find a solution that suits both of you. Perhaps he needs to apply for a higher paid job and you need to apply for something that is less stressful. I'd also leave having DC2 until you are both well established in new roles and a new economic dynamic. It's no fun to be pregnant or a new parent in a state of uncertainty. Your setup needs to change so that when you welcome your next child you aren't in this uncomfortable and stressful situation again.

Yes, got forbid the woman takes equal financial responsibility for the child she is an equal parent of.

Yes, god forbid the woman takes equal responsibility for her children and wants to contribute by raising a family. I forgot we were in 2020 where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else, where a woman is seen as GIVING 50% to the relationship by raising a family and supporting the household (OR SAHDs, for those that want to pounce, but on this post I am responding to the devaluing of SAHMs), it's no longer a case where morals and family values and good old fashioned common sense is timeless. Oh no, no one cares for timeless common sense anymore, when they can devalue the contribution a SAHM gives. FMD.

I've already said or SAHDs. Numerous times. In at least 3 posts.

So it's a game of dibs?

Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins?

*I actually feel sorry for people who think a mother doesn't have the right to stay at home. Who don't understand that marriage is a team, and one who does 50% of the work by staying home, raising a family, attending to the household etc is somehow 'lesser' than a man who does the other 50% by earning.

Staying at home is as much if not more so as taxing as 'earning', and I can only presume those that smugly insinuate a SAHM is a bludger, don't have kids and have no idea what it is to be the one at home raising the family.

The job is just as valuable as earning actual money. Isn't that what we women have wanted RECOGNISED?*

🙄

Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t care what other people do and don’t judge them for their choices but I was not put on this Earth to be kept by another human being and to spend my whole life as a mother and home maker. Not in my makeup.

@SueEllenMishke yes they are being raised by the nursery. My cousin works in one and a baby calls her mummy now. She sees her mum about 3 hours a day and is with my cousin 10.

I've also not said people should not work. Not judging people for not working. I said if you have no choice it can't be helped. I also said part time or one full and another part time. Mums usually are at home as they birth the baby. They get maternity. They breastfeed etc. It's just the way nature intended it. But of course there is no reason a dad can't sahm. It's perfectly acceptable either way!

Reading some of the threads on mumsnet I’m not surprised a high percentage of women on mumsnet want to be SAHM. How many times have we read things like ‘I work full time, I allocate all my AL to the school holidays, my husband won’t take time off if the kids are sick because he thinks his job is more important, my husband won’t shop, cook or clean and today I’m home sick and he refused to do the drop off’. I would never judge a SAHM because of those threads alone, equally because of those threads I’d never judge a WOHM. I think you have to make the judgement based on your individual family and family needs. OP cannot make any decisions alone but if I were her I’d question why he was against part time working if the finances wouldn’t be compromised - that’s very odd.

where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else, where a woman is seen as GIVING 50% to the relationship by raising a family and supporting the household (OR SAHDs, for those that want to pounce, but on this post I am responding to the devaluing of SAHMs), it's no longer a case where morals and family values and good old fashioned common sense is timeless

And where both want be a sahp?

Get over yourself. Men have managed to raise kids and work for generations.

Or are you saying those men didnt raise their kids.

Kids who go to school have stopped being raised by their parents at 5?

yes they are being raised by the nursery - so once they are at shool, your children are also raised by the school?

Oh and I wish people would give over with shit about kids of working parents “being raised by someone else”. Even if a child is in nursery 8 - 6 for 5 days a week that’s only 50 hours out of a week of 168 hours. In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”.

What do you do? We had a similar situation and I was able to negotiate a part-time first, now I work remotely for multiple clients. That being said, I have a specific job that could be done remotely.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars its mn. No one comes here and says 'I work fulltime and dp/dh does half the house work'

You arent going to see people posting about their totally normal fair home situation.

Well quite @KatharinaRosalie

I forgot we were in 2020 where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else
You are kidding right? A child in childcare is being raised by someone else? And treated like a dog?
You are utterly ridiculous. And as noted by the above poster - I presume then you acknowledge when your children go to school at age 5, they’re being raised by someone else - by your definition.

@Shadyshadow You have taken it upon yourself to change the narrative. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! poor man having to provide for his family) She has said they have discussed it, had many arguments about it, so she obviously is not just forcing him to provide for his family. Where you got that she would do it without discussing it, I don't know. But it's a false narrative and irrelevant.

*So it's a game of dibs?

Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins?*

Huh? What does that even mean? I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. When I did.

yes they are being raised by the nursery.

No they aren't. Raising children is so much more than being with them 24/7. Statements like that do nothing but make women feel like shit.

@katharinaRosalie

No they are getting an education!

I'm talking babies and toddlers. You noticed that animals in the wild keep their young with them. That's how it's supposed to be.

A bit of nursery is great. The child can play and have a fun. But when they go all day everyday they are probably exhausted and missing home. It's sad they don't have some calmer days at home. Playing with toys and spending time with family. Going to parks and stuff too.

Also children are often run down and poorly at nursery. They have to go. They can't take a sick day because mummy is working. So instead of lying on the sofa watching Tele and sleeping. They are on a chaotic loud noisy room.

You won't change my view. One parent should be available. You change your life for your kids

It's like parents who say they hate being home and work for their sanity. For the sake of 3 years??? Again part time is great. Going back full time because you can't stand being home sounds like you don't enjoy mother hood. I find that incredibly sad!

Even if a child is in nursery 8 - 6 for 5 days a week that’s only 50 hours out of a week of 168 hours. In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”.

How many of those 168 are waking hours? That parent will be seeing their child for a couple of hours at best on week days. So in that case, yes, the nursery worker is doing the majority of the child rearing.

@Shadyshadow that’s what I meant - on MN there’s a high proportion of threads where the woman works and does everything, so it’s easy to see why lots of women reading and posting on MN want to be SAHM. It’s equally clear why those threads may encourage women to be WOHP. That’s why these threads will always be so split and why it needs to be decided on an individual basis between the family, not one person in the family deciding for everyone.

In the interest in fairness...would you let him give up work or go part time?

@SueEllenMishke

But sahm are not doing what's right?

Well the price of childcare isn't cheap. So surely these full time workers give most of it away anyway

OP is the main earner and a high stress managerial job. I would guess she gets to keep more than 300. I need o calculate now but my childminder (2 DC full time) certainly doesn't get paid more than 10% of my personal income.

And how come all the men can afford to work, but all women have those tiny little jobs paying minimum wages? The ones where you can then later work 15-20 hours to get a bit of pocket money? How about an interesting well paid job instead, like the ones men seem to have?

You have taken it upon yourself to change the narrative. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! poor man having to provide for his family) She has said they have discussed it, had many arguments about it, so she obviously is not justforcinghim to provide for his family. Where you got that she would do it without discussing it, I don't know. But it's a false narrative and irrelevant.

Didnt say she did. I was referring to posters who said she should just quit. He should want to provide for her stay at home. It should be a natural urge for him.

Huh? What does that even mean? I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. When I did.

Then your argument doesnt make sense. What does sahm, being norm years ago have to do with anything. What if both parents want to be a sahp.

Where is the mans 'natural' need to provide for his wife and child and let his wife stay home, if he is staying at home.

Non of your points make sense. And what if ops husband wants to go part time or be a sahp and she does too?

@namechangetheworld

Well they sleep for the rest of it apart from a bath and tea. not sure what point they are getting quality time with the family.