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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He won't acknowledge me on social media

160 replies

purplerainmaker · 28/01/2020 11:47

Over allhe is a pretty good boyfriend and we are together 18 months .
He doesn't post too much but like and loves many posts of his friends.
Hi s profile pictures are always of him and his mates.
He can be a bit immature for a 35 year old man. He isn't ready for commitment or kids or even sharing a flat.
He has his own flat.
Even though he is a loving boyfriend, I am invisible to the outside work apart from his close friends and his family.
AIBU to be miffed? He is regularly interacting with lots of his friends who are women but doesn't acknowledge me really. I feel like deleting my accounts as it's painful to watch his presence yet I am not a part of his life on sm which is essentially the public and friends in his last life.

OP posts:
TheArtfulScreamer1 · 28/01/2020 14:30

Sorry OP you're a dofer (as in will do for now) he's made it quite clear he's no interest in any commitment to you wether it be real life or virtual life and after 18 months this is unlikely to change. If you want more than what you've got now you need to look elsewhere.

TwentyViginti · 28/01/2020 14:32

Sorry, but he wants to appear single and available. He's not into the relationship the same way you are. You are FWB or placeholder GF.

TeaAndCake321 · 28/01/2020 14:33

Why do you need to be tagged etc in things on social media, you must be very insecure if you need this. Most of my male friends don’t interact with their wives or girlfriends on social media, I think most people have realised it’s better not to over share on Facebook, especially if you have work colleagues on there. My husband has Facebook but he isn’t uploading pics of me or tagging me why would he, he’s 36 not 13! I’ve never updated my relationship status on there either, I’m very much married in real life.

Are you much younger or something? I’ve noticed a friend who has got with a girl mid 20s, the girl is constantly tagging them in things like “this is how much I love you” it’s all very immature and I cringe on the friend’s behalf, reminds you of having a boyfriend in year 9.

DearHappy · 28/01/2020 14:38

I can see exactly what you mean. He’s engaging with other women online but not you!

Lweji · 28/01/2020 14:41

I feel like deleting my accounts

Don't delete your accounts. Delete him. He is the one causing you grief.

My relationship doesn't have a social media presence. I might update if we start living together or get married.
But, we do comment on each other.
We sometimes post photos of similar places at the same time.
None of us flirts with the opposite sex online.
We don't avoid each other online.

Your actual relationship doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. It's not slow. It's stationary.
Not that 18 months is a long time, but if you are similar to his age, don't wait around for him to find a better offer.

Peachesforfree · 28/01/2020 14:43

5 years ago I could have written this post. I'm married now....to someone else! I'm still not featured on my husband's FB but the difference is that he's not flirting with multiple other girls who don't know about me either.

AnnaFiveTowns · 28/01/2020 14:54

Yes social media is bullshit but so what. Sorry but it's a big red flag. He's acknowledging and even flirting with other women on SM but fails to acknowledge you. He's essentially playing down or even denying the nature of your relationship to other people. Not very nice.

AnnaFiveTowns · 28/01/2020 14:59

Forgot to add, you need to fuck him off if you're looking for more than a casual relationship. He's not arsed about you. Sorry.

Cookiecrumblepie · 28/01/2020 15:03

I haven’t read this whole thread but I think it’s reasonable to want some recognition on social media. Especially if his social media says he’s single.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/01/2020 15:05

The fact he has got himself as single on social media is not good and at 18 months into the relationship and he does not have some sort of idea what he wants is strange. Has he been badly hurt in the past which is making him cautious? I would probably end it (only my opinion) because you need to know what you are doing in terms of the relationship. My fiance and I moved in after two months, just over 3 years ago (very fast but we knew) but I always said that if after a year we didn't have an idea of what we both wanted from the relationship then I definitely would have seriously considered whether I wanted to finish it or not. He just seems like he likes the single life with you there when he wants you to be.

averythinline · 28/01/2020 15:05

I think you're right to be concerned I think you're probably 1 of many or possible ...He's not that into a relationship with you... and doesn't sound like he wants to change....his status either online or offline.

That's fine if you're happy to be a FWB but if you want more time to dump and move on find someone that wants to grow up!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2020 15:13

He’s bantering with women you don’t know. My guess is that he actually wants to be with one of them... or at least someone else. Just because you’ve met a few people he’s close to, it doesn’t necessarily mean that much. They are loyal to him, not you and may even know how he feels or if he is playing the field.

You sound like an option rather than his first choice. As others have said, don’t come off social media, get rid of him instead.

BigButtons · 28/01/2020 15:27

I'm afraid I would say he's just stringing you along.
The red flag is his single status on FB and his obvious ability to commit. I'm sure he is very happy to have you as a FWB but i'm guessing you want ( and deserve) more than that?

If you want more from a relationship and a relationship with a grown man instead of a man child I would start casting my net around again.

ILearnedItFromABook · 28/01/2020 15:27

People use social media differently, and if he were someone who never updated/tagged/posted/whatever and only used it to keep up with what others were doing, I might not mind that he was still marked as "single", had no photos of me, etc. However, if someone is a frequent user/updater, comments regularly on other's posts, but almost never mentioned me or acknowledged my existence in his life, yes, that would bother me.

YANBU to feel a bit hurt and to wonder if he's doing this intentionally. Especially since you've raised it with him and he hasn't changed behaviour despite knowing that you're hurt or confused by his insistence on leaving you out of his social media "presence". He's being weird. There's middle ground between pretending you don't exist and "making a fool of himself" in the event that you eventually split up.

I'm afraid it doesn't bode well. He should be excited to have you in his life and proud for others to know about it. This feels wrong, and I'd take the time to carefully reevaluate your relationship, decide what you want for the future, and find out whether or not he's on the same page.

BigButtons · 28/01/2020 15:29

btw I do tag my Dp on Fb every now and again- it's usually about something he would find funny. I'm not into parading your relationships on FB or taking massive of selfies and posting them but all friends know that we exist as a couple . Surely that's normal?

FrauleinF · 28/01/2020 15:41

You're a placeholder, pure and simple. He won't change as this is actually the exact scenario he wanted from the start.

You're obviously an attractive enough prospect to keep around for his convenience (sex on tap and presumably you facilitate other things in his life), and you have also proven to be suitably docile to not demand too much, so he gets a decent return for minimal effort. But he isn't into YOU. If he was, you wouldn't be at the same point you started at after 18 months.

He has essentially told you by his actions (or lack of them) you're not in a relationship with him, and has taken the fact you haven't kicked him to the curb as your tacit approval of the current situation.

My main bugbear in relationships used to be people lying by omission and game playing like this. Such a waste of time and effort. It's only solved by putting yourself first in the pecking order and walking away from it.

When he finds a better prospect, you won't see him for dust. Hopefully, you won't have wasted too much of your life on this twatbadger by this point.

Think about what you actually want in life - I doubt he's actually providing any of your real romantic hopes and dreams. And by convincing yourself this is ok, you'll never get anything more until he chooses to bugger off.

Pinkbonbon · 28/01/2020 15:51

Yeah nah, not OK.

I had a guy friend on fb that I initially met on tinder and was flirty with. He turned out to have a gf but I would have had no idea if it hadnt been for a friend tagging them. So I thought maybe I'd misunderstood and we were just pally for a while. Then about two yeara or so later, the flirting started again and his prof said single ect once again. Until I did some digging. Couldn't believe the git had done it again. I confronted him and he waslike 'oh she is OK with me talking to other girls'. Yeah right pal. Then practically the next day was like 'oh we broke up'. Bullshit lol. I deleted and blocked him.

Even if these girlfriends are just girl friends, there still should've some indication that he has a gf on his profile if he us chatting to women on there. So that there are no misunderstandings. The fact that there isn't, wouldn't be OK with me as a gf. But then nor would him chatting to a bunch of girls, if that is the case.

3rdchristmaslucky · 28/01/2020 15:54

I'm not present on my boyfriend's social media. And I accept this. Because he has a wife. (Separated and divorcing, just keeping it sweet until it's all finalised).

Unless he's got an excuse then there is no reason for him to still be single.
You can have no relationship status on FB.

Besidesthepoint · 28/01/2020 15:57

He doesn't want you. He will never commit to you, marry you, live with you or want to raise a child with you.

Stop wasting your time on this man. Stop waiting too long for men, plenty move in together within 6-12 months.

Bluerussian · 28/01/2020 15:57

Social media is crap. Do you really want your boyfriend posting pictures of you and talking about you on there? Not a good idea. You say he doesn't post much and that is good. Don't complain about it, it's far better to be discreet than baring all to the world.

I have no pictures of myself at all on social media and anyone I know has strict instructions not to post anything about me. So many people live to regret it.

eomma · 28/01/2020 16:08

i think a lot of the people replying to this post saying you are bu would probably be hurt if they were in your position. it’s fine if he doesn’t wanna change his profile picture, maybe that’s a bit too out there for him, but if he won’t even like your posts or ignore your comments he’s a dickhead and if he has his status set to single then he is, again, a dickhead. if he doesn’t wanna put up that he’s in a relationship then he should just change ‘relationship status’ from public to private instead of pretending he’s single. refusing to acknowledge an 18 month relationship, even if it is just on social media, is weird. yanbu.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 16:11

People who showcase their relationships on social media tend to be trying to prove something to themselves.

I believe this is true too. The happiest couples I know don’t post much about their OH at all whereas the miserable ones constantly post ‘happy couple selfies’ and affirmations of their undying love.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 16:13

Stop waiting too long for men, plenty move in together within 6-12 months.

And how many of those last? Six months is far too early to move in together imo. I waited three years to move in with my DH and I’m glad I did.

SaphfireRose · 28/01/2020 16:17

And how many of those last? Six months is far too early to move in together imo. I waited three years to move in with my DH and I’m glad I did.
Wow. Many people I know move in with each other around 2 to 3 months of dating. 6 months is a bit of a stretch. 3 years? If you're not going move in together after a year, then it's over and you call it quits.

Josette77 · 28/01/2020 16:18

He isn't into you that much. He doesn't want to live with you. Or acknowledge you. This isn't about Facebook it's about your relationship. He will no marry you or live with you. Move on,

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