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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won't acknowledge me on social media

160 replies

purplerainmaker · 28/01/2020 11:47

Over allhe is a pretty good boyfriend and we are together 18 months .
He doesn't post too much but like and loves many posts of his friends.
Hi s profile pictures are always of him and his mates.
He can be a bit immature for a 35 year old man. He isn't ready for commitment or kids or even sharing a flat.
He has his own flat.
Even though he is a loving boyfriend, I am invisible to the outside work apart from his close friends and his family.
AIBU to be miffed? He is regularly interacting with lots of his friends who are women but doesn't acknowledge me really. I feel like deleting my accounts as it's painful to watch his presence yet I am not a part of his life on sm which is essentially the public and friends in his last life.

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 28/01/2020 13:27

I think he's wasting your time tbh
It's either he's ashamed of you or wants to pretend he is single. If it was me I'd be really hurt

PatellarTendonitis · 28/01/2020 13:27

This isn't about social media. It's about thinking you're a girlfriend when he's made it clear to you that you are a friend with benefits. If you want to be someone's girlfriend, you need to move on from this one.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2020 13:29

So what happens if you tag him in a 'Me and my boyfriend enjoying a romantic dinner' kind of photo? will he ask you to delete it?

KatherineJaneway · 28/01/2020 13:30

Sorry but you sound FWB to me with no future for the relationship. Fine if you are not interested in a future, but you need to decide if you are that is what you want for your future.

Butterflyflower1234 · 28/01/2020 13:32

OP I'm sorry but it's likely his not that into you. He might be keeping his options open for other women to be involved with. He might be embarrassed about you.

Either way this isn't good signs. If he has never had anything to do with ex's on SM then perhaps I could understand but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

You need to weigh up how important it is to you? After 18 months you should know if you would like a future with someone, it sounds like he doesn't with you.

soconfussedwithwhattodo · 28/01/2020 13:33

Probably not the same reason, but my ex wouldn't tag me in anything, but would his mates. When I tagged him in any pics the posts were hidden off his facebook and our relationship status was hidden on his facebook. He always gave me the excuse he was a private person. It turns out as time progressed he was abusive and didn't want any of the previous three fiancée's potential mutual friends contacting me and warning me of him. He loved to withhold affection as a means of control and to get my chasing. It soon changed as soon as I wanted to leave him though. I hope it's not this reason.

messolini9 · 28/01/2020 13:37

He can be a bit immature for a 35 year old man. He isn't ready for commitment or kids or even sharing a flat.

Purple, I can understand your frustration, but you might be better off if instead of focusing on what your b/f is ready for, you decide what YOU want & are ready for, & make a firm decision about whether that matches what b/f is able to offer.

Or you are going to be waiting a long time (maybe forever) for somebody else to mature, when you could be cracking on with your own life goals while remaining open to someone who actually shares them.

crosspelican · 28/01/2020 13:41

Are you both the same age?

If you're 35 like him, I wouldn't bother carrying on with a relationship with somebody who isn't interested in committing after 18 months.

I asked him about moving in and helping with his mortgage but he said that he doesn't want that. He said if that happens, where do we go from there. Umm... does he need a dictionary? Although for the love of God don't help him with his mortgage when he won't even admit you're his girlfriend on Facebook!

You have been to his flat, right?

Anyway, it's not like when you're 22 and have all the time in the world. A guy of 35 who isn't able to be in a committed relationship (with you) after that long isn't going to change (for you).

You're wasting your time with him. The FB thing is a red herring. Get rid and go out with somebody who actually wants a relationship.

Jux · 28/01/2020 13:41

You said it yourself, he's not ready for commitment. The more you push the further away from you he'll go, until you are not present in his life at all.

Leave him to it. At 35, if he's not ready for commitment it means he's either never going to be, or he's just not ready for commitment to you.

justasking111 · 28/01/2020 13:42

Just checked my and OH status, he says married I say absolutely nothing. Married 43 years Blush

messolini9 · 28/01/2020 13:45

I am his friend on fb. I once got upset because his interaction with a girl he works with came across as tongue in cheek and inappropriate. It wasn't when he explained the context.he then tagged me in some silly innocent meme the next day as a peace offering I expect.
He keeps me sweetbut yet won't compromise on it.

Ugh.

You don't need to accept his version of events, being thrown a manipulative meme-bone to 'keep you sweet', or his lack of desire to commit to taking your relationship further.

I suspect he is causing you more pain than pleasure, & wonder why he is compartmentalising you.
If you are happy to stay with him on his terms only, crack on - but hoping for something doesn't make it happen, & you may find being single causes you way less angst.
At least then you can take time out to get past the upset of this relationship not being what you might have wished for, & then be free to meet a man who wants the same as you do.

diddl · 28/01/2020 13:46

So his close friends & family know about you so you're hardly a secret!

But if you want hings that aren't happening, then leave him.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/01/2020 13:53

I'm the other way, I have no social media and told my wife that I didn't want to be mentioned at all on anything she posts and didn't want any photos with me in posted. I've got nothing to hide, I just don't want to be on there.

Look upon it as a blessing, social media isn't the real world and it's one less person liking and sharing stuff about you.

Incrediblytired · 28/01/2020 13:56

So a lot of people are saying a relationship doesn’t have to be paraded on social media to mean something and this is totally true.

However what people do and don’t post on social media says something about an image they’re trying to project. People who really don’t care about social media simply don’t use it.

From what you’ve said, your partner does care about social media and his image is single and sociable. To me this sets alarm bells that you aren’t on the same page. You’ve said he’s immature for his age and I wonder if you want the same things right now? It’s no big deal not to post loads of lovey dovey pics, many very solid couples don’t but to be totally excluded sounds odd...

MummyJasmin · 28/01/2020 14:00

I'll be (happily) married for 4 years next month, have a 1 yo and another 1 on the way. Husband and I have yet to share photos of 'us'...in fact I've yet to change my rel'p status from single (or whatver it was when i joined 13 years ago lol.)

We're just not about that life.

SaphfireRose · 28/01/2020 14:00

I think there is a big difference between not updating your facebook page (which indicates you don't use facebook much) to the OP's boyfriend who is on facebook every day, hence has the chance to update it but won't, and who likes posts by his female friends and comments on them, but won't with his own girlfriend. The fact he pretends you don't exist on facebook, combined with not removing the 'single' status, shows he is playing the field. You can even change the settings so that 'relationship status' doesn't even show up. That he won't change from single to in a relationship, ok, fine. But why can't he delete the relationship status field, altogether? Why advertise he is single? Of he doesn't believe in all that stuff, why even have that on there at all? I don't even HAVE my relationship status on my Fb. Yet he chose to leave that field in his settings, and leave single there. He is treating you like a F8ck buddy, sorry.

PickAChew · 28/01/2020 14:11

I reckon he's either hedging his bets or there is someone you haven't met that he doesn't want to be aware of you. He might genuinely feel that 18 months is too fast to move in together but if he's doing other things that leave you feeling insecure then is this what you really want for the forseeable future? He ight reach a point where he wants to make a deeper commitment, but what will you do if another year or more passes and he still keeps you at arm's length?

Highonpotandused · 28/01/2020 14:15

I asked him about moving in and helping with his mortgage but he said that he doesn't want that. He said if that happens, where do we go from there. It's too fast for him. It's been slow to get to here.

18 months can be considered quite soon to move in together, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you.

AJPTaylor · 28/01/2020 14:17

You want different things
You want a committed relationship
He wants a girlfriend.
SM is neither here nor there. You know what the score is.

measelsmumpsandweasels · 28/01/2020 14:19

He's not that into you. Sorry.

DrManhattan · 28/01/2020 14:20

Player

Hazelnutlatteplease · 28/01/2020 14:23

It would be a hard no from me

I had one like that, didnt do sm apparently. Eventually i found the other account with the aren't i hot photos....

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/01/2020 14:24

It's irrelevant that other people aren't into social media or look on once every six months and have been married for decades.

This guy socializes on the internet all the time, and takes pictures, and chats with friends and meets up with other friends and you are not part of this life. I would be extremely upset if someone didn't just include me as part of that, not as an announcement, but more just part of having drinks with friends, taking a group shot and not being silly about it.

He's deliberately not putting you on there which is different than simply being disinterested in social media or too lazy to change your settings when you have been married decades. It takes effort to leave no trace of you (like not taking photos or posting them ever when you are together). It's on purpose!

Don't demean yourself by asking- he's told you the truth, you are not visibly part of his life and he's not ready to settle down. If that suits you, great, if not, dump and move on.

Andylion · 28/01/2020 14:25

He won't update.ive asked

OP. it's pretty clear that he wants people to think he is single.
Dump him.

dreamingbohemian · 28/01/2020 14:29

Like so many people on here OP, you are focusing on the symptom (social media) and not the actual problem (he's a raging commitment-phobe).

You say it's taken a long 18 months to get where you are, but where are you? He still seems to be keeping you at arm's length.

It's okay to want commitment. Guys like this will make you feel wrong or guilty for wanting it, but it's okay.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what you're doing. It doesn't matter if things are good on a daily basis, if he's never going to commit it's all a big waste of time.

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