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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sorry for colleague ripped off at strip club?

551 replies

Bibbiditybobbidy · 26/01/2020 23:00

30 year old colleague went to a well known strip club on a stag do, and woke up the next day with £7k missing from bank acct.
He was so drunk it appears he managed to spend all that without knowing. When he complained they sent him evidence of himself ( CCTV) at the bar authorising each transaction, times receipts etc
He parents have had to lend him ££ as he’s at his over draft limit and he’s paying them back.
He’s weeping and wailing about it but I just think he’s been an arse and should learn as lesson AIBU? He’s getting lots of sympathy about the ‘injustice’ of it in the office... but he's exactly the kind of guy to show off in front of his mates playing the big man, while he’s actually a bit of a beta male...I have NO sympathy for him, the little creep!

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 27/01/2020 21:30

Greeneyed some women have higher standards and don't expect their man to make a choice between exploiting paid women for sexual kicks, or using the 'local bike' for free. It can be neither.

ruthieness · 27/01/2020 21:30

One way clubs can scam punters is to say that the transaction did not go through and can they put in the pin again. I would want to check the audio and find out how close together the transactions were.

Whether they are a scam or just that the punter has buyer's remorse this should be publicised so that these places lose customers and die out.

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:32

But when you asked about a woman in a strip club you were told it was exploitative too. I don’t know what you’re hoping for - mumsnet has entered this weird MRA loop where every single misfortune relating to a man has to be balanced with something shit happening to a woman to compare how ‘fair’ posters are being.

Few posters have disputed that strip clubs are exploitative. That’s not the point. It’s about why this particular man’s behaviour, foolish as it was, has attracted such opprobrium and whether it’s more severe because he is (1) male and (2) in a strip club, as opposed to a bar or a casino or even Nando’s.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:32

taking advantage of

Taking advantage of doesn't mean rape though so why are you saying that's what I meant? Plenty of ways people can be taken advantage of, all more likely if they are drunk.

You've just decided that I must only be talking about being raped, when I'm not at all and when you asked I clarified.

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:32

Your posts at21:13 and 21:14

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:34

So that's why I see double standards on here - because they exist on here.

So because there is often different advice for women you have to go on every thread where a man is getting a hard time and start talking about mythical scenarios and rape?

iklboo · 27/01/2020 21:35

Well how often I wonder does op describe a woman as being a beta female (is that a thing?) Because they aren't in good shape, go after blokes who are better looking than them and are perpetually single?

Oh please. Women rip each other to shreds on appearance, relationships, life choices etc ALL THE TIME on here. With far less kind words than 'beta'.

FloreanFortescue · 27/01/2020 21:37

DH's ex colleague had an incident on a stag do a number of years ago - £250.00 on a credit card machine was actually £2500.00.

Ouch!

Sagradafamiliar · 27/01/2020 21:38

The sheer idiocy on this thread.
The reaction would be the same if the exact situation was identical, only with a female misogynist instead of a male one. There is no double standard!
Rape has got shit all to do with it.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:38

I'm sure everyone on here would agree that you can't consent to sex when blind drunk and that even if you did say yes the person having sex with you is in the wrong.

How come then that being scammed whilst blind drunk is your own fault and you deserved it, that according to some, he wasn't scanned but spent the money of his own free will?

Your own pathetic words Hooves, unless you think there’s another word for cant consent to sex that isn’t rape.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2020 21:40

How are we actually comparing rape to (potentially) getting ripped off in a strip club?

TBH I don't think "we" were - but there was some objection to the obvious double standards being brought up, so it turned into "I think you were conflating this with rape ... so you must have been ... so you were"

The real ironies are that the thread was never about rape in the first place, and that most of us had little sympathy with the guy for being ripped off anyway, even if we felt the club were wrong in doing it

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:40

So because there is often different advice for women you have to go on every thread where a man is getting a hard time and start talking about mythical scenarios and rape?

Why would there be different advice, say about sex and boundaries, for.men and women though? Surely no.one should be coerced into doing something that they don't want to do, or coerced into taking drugs to make sex possible if they don't want to take them irrespective of their sex?

And I didn't mention rape. I was asking why, in some circumstances, we accept that despite appearances people may not been in full possession of their faculties due to alcohol and so therefore aren't able to make certain choices yet in other circumstances it's all "well, they made the choice so too bad".

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:41

Oh please. Women rip each other to shreds on appearance, relationships, life choices etc ALL THE TIME on here. With far less kind words than 'beta'.

Agreed, but how often do you see the qualities you describe being presented as one of the reasons a woman deserved to be taken advantage of?

Sagradafamiliar · 27/01/2020 21:43

And you were talking about non consensual sex, i.e. rape, hooves. Why deny it? It's all upthread.

Pedallleur · 27/01/2020 21:46

Job done by the bar staff. He can see what he spent the money on when he gets his statement. £100 A drink? £100 + For entertainment? Soon adds up. Not as though their clientele are going to complain to their wives.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:46

Your own pathetic words Hooves, unless you think there’s another word for cant consent to sex that isn’t rape.

But that isn't comparing it to rape.

That is saying how come, rightly, in one instance you are deemed incapable of knowing your own mind ie saying yes to sex, but in another you are judged to be in complete control of your faculties and choose to spend £7k on drink.

That isn't comparing anything other than under what circumstances can we make choices for ourselves.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:49

Why would there be different advice, say about sex and boundaries, for.men and women though?

A woman who’s recently given birth, for example, would get different advice to a man who isn’t really up for it. There are a thousand reasons around how we sexualise women vs men that make a difference. There are statistics on sexual violence against women and the perpetrators of that violence that change how we view women and sex and men and sex. Also considering the fact that it’s a predominantly female site and women are generally more sympathetic to women in a recognisable situation to them - carer of small children, mat leave, back to work after mat leave, SAHM and so on.

It’s bizarre to pretend that being male and being female are exactly the same and therefore the advice should be exactly the same. How much time do you spend on pistonheads talking about double standards for men and women?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:50

And you were talking about non consensual sex, i.e. rape, hooves. Why deny it? It's all upthread.

As I've said, I was talking about being able to make choices whilst drunk and under what circumstances we say that people weren't able to make choices because they were too drunk.

That is in no way comparing this with rape. It is saying if you can't make the choice to have sex because you are drunk then can you make other decisions whilst drunk?

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:51

For those wanting to know how rape got into this thread the answer is the post at 06:11 today:

"He was drunk so he was asking for it."

That dispicable phrase is the exact one used against women who have been raped to blame for their own rape.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:52

Your first post was deleted for saying something remarkably similar siring1

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:55

Pumperthepumper

So are you saying then, that because women give birth, that men should not be able to consent to sex or should be made to do certain acts that they don't want to do?

I really can't understand your reply - men's Nd women get different advice about sex because women have children? But how does that answer my post about a man with ED being told that he must take drugs and do certain things that he doesn't want to do in order to satisfy his wife?

How does it answer the thread where the wife is receiving sympathy for having had 1 affair and being about to embark on another?

And you don't think that's evidence of double standards?

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:58

There were some others too.

The exact phrase that are used to shame and victim blame women for being raped.

The second these awful phrases were - and used with such delight and pleasure - the discussion about rape was always going yo happen.

Nobody would ever say what happened to this man was comperablw to rape.

But these posts opened the door to discussion about men taking responsibility for their drunken behaviour and a possible double standard in relation to women where they sometimes don't.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 22:00

I think I’ve explained it pretty comprehensively Hooves and I can’t really face getting into another round of mythical scenarios and hints of rape. Your posts are identical on these threads, you are just about the only poster I ever remember because you post exactly the same way every time.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/01/2020 22:02

Like I keep saying, there is CCTV footage of him in the club. If he looks pissed then he should take it further. If he looks fine then the club would have no reason to think he isn’t. Likewise there will be an electronic record of the transactions, which coupled with the footage of his buying drinks etc will show whether he was being scammed or not. It’s all really not that hard.

siring1 · 27/01/2020 22:03

Pumper

You called me attention seeking then responded to every one of my posts.

Why?