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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sorry for colleague ripped off at strip club?

551 replies

Bibbiditybobbidy · 26/01/2020 23:00

30 year old colleague went to a well known strip club on a stag do, and woke up the next day with £7k missing from bank acct.
He was so drunk it appears he managed to spend all that without knowing. When he complained they sent him evidence of himself ( CCTV) at the bar authorising each transaction, times receipts etc
He parents have had to lend him ££ as he’s at his over draft limit and he’s paying them back.
He’s weeping and wailing about it but I just think he’s been an arse and should learn as lesson AIBU? He’s getting lots of sympathy about the ‘injustice’ of it in the office... but he's exactly the kind of guy to show off in front of his mates playing the big man, while he’s actually a bit of a beta male...I have NO sympathy for him, the little creep!

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:00

Just realised that I asked pretty much the same question as @Hearhoovesthinkzebras.

Who I think makes some good points.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:00

Yes. I’d still say she took part in an exploitative industry and was stupid to lose so much money, and that’s her responsibility.

If she was raped while intoxicated that night, I’d still say she didn’t deserve that and it wasn’t her fault. I’ve explained this several times. Same as him. Deserved to lose money, doesn’t deserve to be raped.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:02

So again, show me the double standards.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:03

So if it had happened anywhere other than a strip club then they wouldn't deserve it?

So, in a casino, or a bar in London - would that be ok still or would that be exploiting people who are drunk?

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:04

siring1 yes, I agree that getting drunk and taking responsibility for your actions is absolutely true in some cases. So, getting drunk and spending lots of your own money on crap - your responsibility. Getting drunk and someone else raping you - not your responsibility.

Do you agree?

Original poster
Bibbiditybobbidy · 27/01/2020 21:04

@iamawombat - yup, I’d a woman went to a strip club and was daft enough to spend that money to watch naked girls prance around then I would also have little sympathy.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:05

Hooves, I answered your question already. Answer mine - where are the double standards?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:07

The double standards are here for all to see. You can keep asking to be shown them and I've explained what I see as double standards.

Saying he deserved it, his description as being a beta male, not in good shape, perpetually single... All double standards. Basically because of who he is and how he looks he deserves what he got.

I don't think that anyone, on a night out, deserves this. And I'd say the same regardless of their sex, or appearance, or who they choose to date, or what establishment they went to.

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:08

I don’t think that every drunk person, male or female, who is rinsed by businesses like strip clubs - who specialise in it - deserves to lose large amounts of money just because they were in a strip club and must therefore be terrible people.

We all know that drunk people are easily taken advantage of. What’s irksome about this is the idea that the man in question deserved an unpleasant outcome because he was in a club with strippers and, whether posters will admit to it or not, because he is a man.

I’d close every strip club tomorrow if I could but the level of venom on here is something else.

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:09

I agree.
But you answered a question I didn't ask.

If a women has several drinks and gives a clear, enthusiasic yes to sex is that rape?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:10

Answer mine - where are the double standards?

I have answered that multiple times. You not accepting my answer doesn't mean that I haven't answered.

And you saying that you don't have double standards and would equally blame a woman who lost money in the same circumstances is not the same as every other poster concurring.

You are not the only poster to say that he deserves it and so you saying you don't have double standards doesn't account for all other posters.

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:12

Just noticed your "some cases".

I go with all cases.

Do these "some cases" only rekate to women?

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:12

Saying he deserved it, his description as being a beta male, not in good shape, perpetually single... All double standards. Basically because of who he is and how he looks he deserves what he got.

That doesn’t even make sense. It’s only a double standard if it’s a different rule for women, and it isn’t. A woman in his exact same scenario would get exactly the same grief.

And as to your other question - yes, if someone I knew went into a casino and gambled away £7k I’d think they were an idiot and it was their responsibility.

I still don’t think women getting drunk and being raped is comparable.

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:12

I’d a woman went to a strip club and was daft enough to spend that money to watch naked girls prance around then I would also have little sympathy.

OK so if one of your female colleagues had gone on this stag night and she’d been charged £2k for champagne, say, would you be posting on here, gloating about her misfortune and making spiteful remarks about her appearance? “Little dumpy woman...wears frumpy clothes...thinks she deserves a handsome fella...HAHAHA the idiot!”

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:13

If a women has several drinks and gives a clear, enthusiasic yes to sex is that rape?

No. Do you think it is?

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:14

No, men can also be raped siring - as I’ve said several times. If he’d been raped while drunk, not his fault. Do you agree with that?

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2020 21:15

That doesn’t even make sense. It’s only a double standard if it’s a different rule for women, and it isn’t. A woman in his exact same scenario would get exactly the same grief.

Maybe from you (although I’m unconvinced) but read back over the responses to this thread and you’ll find that most of the “no sympathy from me!” “He was trying to look like a big man” etc posts focus on him being a man ”thinking he can exploit women”

SleightOfMind · 27/01/2020 21:18

Ah well,
He’ll live and maybe learn not to treat the human body as a commodity.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:20

That doesn’t even make sense. It’s only a double standard if it’s a different rule for women, and it isn’t. A woman in his exact same scenario would get exactly the same grief.

Well how often I wonder does op describe a woman as being a beta female (is that a thing?) Because they aren't in good shape, go after blokes who are better looking than them and are perpetually single?

I still don’t think women getting drunk and being raped is comparable.

Not do I and I haven't said it's the same. I'm asking at what point are you unable to give consent due to drink. That's not saying being fleeced and getting raped are the same at all. It's saying that no one deserves to be taken advantage of because they are drunk.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:20

But when you asked about a woman in a strip club you were told it was exploitative too. I don’t know what you’re hoping for - mumsnet has entered this weird MRA loop where every single misfortune relating to a man has to be balanced with something shit happening to a woman to compare how ‘fair’ posters are being. Why?

siring1 · 27/01/2020 21:22

It appears you agree with me Pumper.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:23

You did Hooves, several times, although you were careful not to use the word rape, instead pumping for ‘taking advantage of (no further clarification when asked, but lots of talk of sex and the morning after)’. Don’t be a coward.

Pumperthepumper · 27/01/2020 21:23

About what siring? What are we agreeing on?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 21:29

mumsnet has entered this weird MRA loop where every single misfortune relating to a man has to be balanced with something shit happening to a woman to compare how ‘fair’ posters are being. Why

Why should different standards be applied to men and women?

2 threads I'm on at the moment 1 a woman is complaining about her husband,says she's had 1 emotional affair and is in a flirtatious relationship with another man now and posters are sympathising with her - I don't get that at all. Since when is having 1 affair, let alone 2 deserving of sympathy?

The 2nd one the husband has had erectile dysfunction for 18 years and has a very straight laced attitude to sex due to his upbringing - posters are saying that he needs to do things that he isn't comfortable with, should take Viagra more often than he wants to and should have counselling in order to meet the needs of his wife - none of which I would find acceptable if it were a man expecting it of his wife and I don't think many posters on this thread would think it's ok for a man to demand that from his wife.

So that's why I see double standards on here - because they exist on here.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 27/01/2020 21:30

When you take out the type of establishment he was in, whilst he wasn't scammed as such, it is illegal to sell alcohol to a person already drunk. Other places have to abide by these rules or potentially get closed down. And there is also a fine for the individual who has served the drunk customer as well as a potential job loss. So the fact that it is a strip club should make no difference, they should not be allowed to serve anyone that drunk.

This is all true, but in practice, fines rarely happen. Theoretically this rule would make 2 for 1 happy hours and pitchers of cocktails unviable.
If the person is able to stand at a bar, verbally order a drink, and pay with chip and pin, it would be very hard to argue that person to be too drunk to legally serve.

Most licensee offences are stuff like selling imported alcohol that you haven’t paid VAT on. They go for big, easy to prove with material evidence stuff. Drunkenness in a pub/bar context is subjective (unlike in a drink driving context when a breathalyser is used to prove it).