Not to give OH my login details?

[EmmaNumberThree]

OH and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together and recently set up a joint bank account. I am working this week and he isn't, so he has suggested that he moves all the direct debits across to the new account (they are currently all in my name and coming from my bank account), but in order to do that he needs my login details for all the service providers (virgin etc).

AIBU to not be ok to give him those logins? I'll happily do it myself later in the week but something feels weird about giving him all my logins and passwords etc.

OP, I think you have been through some things that make you cautious, and rightly so. The new guy may be completely different, but he might be the same or even worse. You just don't know.
It is still a reasonably new relationship, and he has already been reluctant to draw up an agreement on your house. Maybe it's because he sees it as a waste of money, but could it also be because he feels if he pays you rent he is entitled to equity if you do split up? Again, you just don't know. But you have to protect yourself.

I would just speak to your new partner, reiterate what happened with your ex (assuming he knows), tell him right now you're not comfortable doing what he wants as everything is still quite raw, and when you are ready you will let him know.

He doesn't NEED to be on the utility bills if you don't want him to. He doesn't need your passwords when you are more than capable of putting his name on the bills IF you want him to be.

I also don't know what it might mean if someone is on the utilities etc if you did split? Does it mean he could have a claim on your house as he can show he is living there and has been paying the bills as they're in joint names etc? I don't know.
I have owned my house for 15 years, my husband moved in 9 years ago (married 4 years) and he's not on any of the bills. More of a 'he doesn't need to be so why spend time changing it all'.

But speak to a solicitor and protect your property.

I can't imagine trusting a partner enough to move in and set up a joint bank account but not giving them access to services that you will be jointly using and paying for. I'd be seriously pissed off if my partner kept our internet provider etc secret for me so I wasn't able to deal with issues with the account.

Surely he can see all the bills without having access to the account?
Just print off copies of the bills if they are only online.
My water and council tax come by post and the tv licence isn't exactly exciting or regularly changing!
He can have Netflix in his name!

OP, if I was moving into someone's house that THEY owned I would not expect access to the utilities.

I would think it extremely reasonable to pay my way.

I think you should be very very careful.

I would think it very strange he was adverse checking things out.

OP, for goodness sake don't get caught a second time.

@burnoutbabe What if there's an issue with the internet and OP's away - he wouldn't be able to call up and discuss it with them. I would want my name on the accounts if I was living there and contributing to the bills.

Oh, and OP, I'd certainly never apologise to anyone for being financially savvy.

There are enough naive women around being taken advantage of without wanting to join their ranks.

Protect your assets.

Your bank would not approve you giving login details to your personal account. Just get the DD moved to the joint account yourself. If youe account was compromised even though it was nothing to do with your oh the bank would not play ball. Just tell him that, nothing to do with trust.

Please get yourself a password manager like LastPass, you should NEVER use the same password for more than one site. This is Urgent

Please get yourself a password manager like LastPass, you should NEVER use the same password for more than one site. This is Urgent

Also, wherever possible enable 2-Factor-Authentication (2FA) for everyone that offers it. Especially your email provider (Google and Microsoft offer it).

Agree about Last Pass although it can be moody on my Android mobile. DS has an i-phone and he never has problems. The free version seems adequate.
I agree it is a good idea to see a solicitor to protect your house ownership.

DH has all my logins for everything. But weve been married over 10 years, together 15 and have kids.
Not sure if i would hand everything over after 2 years tbh

Why does it matter about using the same passwords, so long as the bank ones (and any accounts where you store payment details) are completely different?
I keep getting locked out of accounts because I have 3 different email addresses and can't remember email and password combinations. It's a total pita!

@Aderyn19 if one account gets hacked it's much easier to hack the others. If a hacker uses a random password generator and gets lucky they'll access all of your other accounts too. If you've accessed the different accounts from the same device/IP address or sent emails between the accounts, a good hacker will find them.

If someone you trusted wanted to screw you over - they'd easily be able to access everything too.

If a hacker uses a random password generator and gets lucky they'll access all of your other accounts too.

Most hacks are done from credentials databases that shit security have allowed to be downloaded. Hackers get your username (usually your email address), password and will then try those (using automated scripts) on any and all sites they can think of.

I always tried to advise people that the second you press "enter" on your machine, you have no idea how or where your details are actually stored. Worth bearing in mind.

I have different passwords for my email addresses and for my bank (and for MN) but mostly the same one for parentpay/Netflix/utilities apps. Basically the accounts that I don't think of as 'important'. Should I change those then? I couldn't see what a hacker could do with access to my parentpay or British gas app.

Aderyn19
"She's weird to me to sleep with someone but not trust them with your bank details.
If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be living with him imo"

Are you high?
I certainly wouldn't entertain giving my bank details to everyone I'd slept with!!!!
My OH doesn't have my personal bank details, we've been together 6 years and share a house together.

I have different passwords for my email addresses and for my bank (and for MN) but mostly the same one for parentpay/Netflix/utilities apps. Basically the accounts that I don't think of as 'important'. Should I change those then? I couldn't see what a hacker could do with access to my parentpay or British gas app.

It's just good internet security hygiene. Think of it like washing hands before preparing food and in between handling raw meat and other foods.

Better over paranoid than complacent as I am sure Jeremy Clarkson would advice, were he a MNetter .

You can set up someone as a named person on utility accounts so they will speak to them. I'm on all my dad's accounts. I don't have online access but I can phone and speak about the account.

If your ex has left you hesitant about finances then why are you dealing with joint accounts?!

What is being paid in to the account?
Both your wages - he has full and equal access to your money.
Just his money to pay bills - he can do standing orders to your account instead.

BrimfulofSasha you know full well I'm not suggesting giving bank details to everyone you've slept with. Although it does make me that you take better care of your money than you do your body. Personally, I would only be sleeping with someone I trusted, but each to their own.

I still think it's weird to live with and have sex with someone that you cannot entirely trust not to fleece you. I would not live with someone under those circumstances.

That's not to say I'm opposed to separate finances. I think that is the best way to go if you have different approaches to spending or if you don't want to muddy the waters wrt opening separate assets or needing to protect children's interests from a previous relationship. But you really shouldn't have someone in your home who you think is capable of defrauding you.

Aderyn19 - she trusted her ex, look what he did....

I understand her caution. I'm not telling her to share all this info. I think she should reconsider the living together because if a man is willing to put you in a vulnerable position but stalls on spending any money to protect you, I do think it would be better to slow right down.

GiveHerHellFromUs and DGRosetti, thank you for your replies. I'll change passwords.

@EmmaNumberThree
There's a reason why you don't want to share this information, I've no idea what it is and at the moment you don't either.
Ah, just seen your update, definitely protect yourself. Yes, him not wanting to spend his money could be seen as a red flag.
Keep listening to that inner voice, sometimes it's very helpful.

Aderyn19
Consent works for money and sex.
Just because we had sex once does not entitle the partner to do it whenever they want without permission.
Just because I showed my partner my bank account once does not mean they can look whenever they want without permission.

Also tired of the subtle slut shaming. I can use my body however I see fit. You don't have to like it, it isn't any of your business.