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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to give OH my login details?

127 replies

EmmaNumberThree · 26/01/2020 19:57

OH and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together and recently set up a joint bank account. I am working this week and he isn't, so he has suggested that he moves all the direct debits across to the new account (they are currently all in my name and coming from my bank account), but in order to do that he needs my login details for all the service providers (virgin etc).

AIBU to not be ok to give him those logins? I'll happily do it myself later in the week but something feels weird about giving him all my logins and passwords etc.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 14:32

OP will be back in 6 months complaining about her cocklodger DP who won't do his share of the admin tasks

safariboot · 27/01/2020 14:38

YANBU.

It's a good security principle that you don't share your logins. Tell him you'll get it done soon.

If he did something stupid like completely stopped the payments, you'd be the one on the hook for it.

Hadjab · 27/01/2020 14:40

There seems to be a serious lack of comprehension in this thread - the OP says she doesn’t want to give her OH the passwords to the accounts of the services, e.g., gas, water, electricity, etc, -not her bank details

BlueJava · 27/01/2020 14:41

No, don't give someone your personal bank details, only you should have them. He's a bit of a knob for even asking.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2020 14:52

It would almost take me longer to gather up my account details and passwords and send them to him, that it would to just change them myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

newyearsresolution2010 · 27/01/2020 15:01

My DH gives me a set amount each month (half of all bills). He pays it into my account, I pay the bills. The bills were in my name before he moved in and it's just carried on. We've been together for 9 years and married almost 5 years now.
If anyone deals with the companies it's me, so seems silly going through the hassle of adding him to them when he wouldn't ever be the one calling/sorting them out.

The concern I would have for you is if he wants your bank log in details. He doesn't need this, and you say you've been together 'almost' 2 years, that's not that long. My OH doesn't have my bank log in's, he's never asked as he doesn't need them.

He also can't add himself to the account, you have to call them and do it. Plus if you have all the log in's and he doesn't then you'll have to write them all down, give them to him, he may have questions he needs to ask you, so extra work for what? If you want to add him to the account or change the bank details then you do it.

Alsoco · 27/01/2020 15:04

I wouldn’t hesitate to provide them to be honest if it’s just logins for services.

champagneandfromage50 · 27/01/2020 15:09

Very quick to be getting a joint account...... I still don't have one with my DH after 20yrs never mind 2. We don't share passwords either and utilities are in my name and I deal with those . Protect your house by the way

DGRossetti · 27/01/2020 15:37

You should never have to share login details to access shared services. Any company that tries to insist on it is shit.

That's it really.

Most T&Cs make it a condition you don't share details anyway. If you do you lose all protection (as obviously they have no idea who is responsible if things go pear shaped).

doublebarrellednurse · 27/01/2020 15:42

So let me get this straight, people come on here & constantly moan about “wife work” & carrying the “mental load” yet when someone’s partner takes the initiative to do some “life admin” there’s an instant accusation of ulterior motives & red flags simply because he asked - not shouted / not demanded / not sulked / not bullied but asked - for SERVICE PROVIDER logins. Nowhere does OP say he asked for her personal banking information.

I thought the same thing. What is he going to do with her gas bill info ffs, run off and start a new life in Barbados? Hmm

PhilCornwall1 · 27/01/2020 15:55

it's me, so seems silly going through the hassle of adding him to them when he wouldn't ever be the one calling/sorting them out.

Until one day (and I hope not), you are say in hospital and unable to call to sort an issue and he can't. It does happen and has happened here, so to both be named for utilities, etc. Would make sense. OPs situation is different in a way, as the property is completely hers. If it was a joint property, it would make sense.

Alsoco · 27/01/2020 15:57

OP yes you should have a legal document particularly if you’re mortgage free. You can have a living together agreement where he confirms he has no claim over your house or the like. Go and see a solicitor. In the meantime register for updates on your property at Land Registry. They’ll email you if something changes on your title.

If you’re worried about things like this though it’s probably not good news about the relationship

billy1966 · 27/01/2020 15:58

The OP owns her house, she is barely with this guy two years and he is going to move in with her.

She is very naive to do anything at this point that makes it in anyway complicated to split up.

That's not being negative or pessimistic, it's having basic cop on.

It's a huge pity more people don't have it re their finances.

She should keep absolutely everything to do with her house solely and completely in her name.

She should accept rent and utilities from her boyfriend.

If he has any problem with this, then she should realise she could have a problem.

I would say the very same to any man in a similar situation.

Protect your assets.

As a relationship progresses things, things can change.

Protecting her assets should be a priority.
He boyfriend should understand that.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2020 16:04

I would be seeing a solicitor about protecting your home, that I can assure you. It's incredibly foolish to not make every effort to protect yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2020 16:08

She should keep absolutely everything to do with her house solely and completely in her name.

I completely agree with @billy1966and

It seems to me that the op's partner views her home as his. It is not. He is simply being granted the courtesy of living there in exchange for rent and a share of utilities.

Crunchymum · 27/01/2020 16:14

Never mind the log in details @EmmaNumberThree

Why is this person living in your [mortgage free] house and you have only today realised that you may need to protect your assets??

Seriously! Get thee to a solicitor and get yourself protected!

Purpleartichoke · 27/01/2020 16:40

If a woman came on here and said her husband wouldn’t give her access to their service provider accounts, there would be screams of financial abuse. Well warranted screams because it is financial abuse.

PityParty4one · 27/01/2020 16:47

What's he gonna do nick your Virgin account and pay the bill?

Seriously you are asking him to share the cost but you wont share the responsibility.
Why shouldn't he see what hes paying half for?

Hes not a child and you want him to take adult responsibility to pay half the Bill's but not be able to access what he is paying for?
That's quite controlling.

You are asking him to trust what you say about utilities but you don't trust him to have access to the accounts.
If I were him I would maybe rethink the relationship.

PityParty4one · 27/01/2020 16:50

No, don't give someone your personal bank details, only you should have them. He's a bit of a knob for even asking.

He didn't ask for bank details just utility log ins for which he is paying half of. Or did I miss a further post from the OP?

Hugoshome · 27/01/2020 16:52

I think it comes down to trust. Ultimately if you are both on the accounts for direct debits then it’s also his passwords?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2020 17:18

If a woman came on here and said her husband wouldn’t give her access to their service provider accounts, there would be screams of financial abuse. Well warranted screams because it is financial abuse.

The man in question is NOT her husband, and that changes everything.

Alsoco · 27/01/2020 17:29

But there was a post the other day where the lady referred to her "DP" not "DH" and there were a lot of financial abuse claims on there I have to say

PityParty4one · 27/01/2020 17:29

The man in question is NOT her husband, and that changes everything.

Why?

Pollaidh · 27/01/2020 17:33

Do not give your personal banking details to him, but the water and electricity account info you can share.

Even DH doesn't know my personal bank log-in for my personal account, and we've been married 10 years.

Original poster
EmmaNumberThree · 28/01/2020 08:32

I think part of my wary-ness is because a lot of my passwords are the same for logins (which I know is really bad and I'll try and change that asap).

The other thing is that with my exH, everything was in our joint names, and he ended up 35k in debt without telling me. We split up 3 years ago and I recently found out that I was still named on his house insurance. I am worried about things going in joint names and for him to have access to things pertaining to the house that I own solely in my name in case we were to split up and it ends up financially messy. He is much better financially than my ex, but it's still a worry.

Thanks for all the suggestions to contact a solicitor to sort out an arrangement. We looked into it a while ago as I was buying the house and he stalled on it (because he would have to pay for a solicitor too to check that the document was fair for him, or something) and he said he was reluctant to spend money on it (as I recall it was going to cost me 2k and him 1k). Maybe that should have been a bit of a red flag at the time.

I've recently written my will so will contact the solicitor from there and see if they can draw up something about the house too.

OP posts: