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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 09:16

@GiveHerHellFromUs oh no their child isn't going.
Dsil mum will be watching their child.

@champagneandfromage50 again hard to tell as he hasn't seen his brother and the girlfriend since our daughter was born 18 months ago, they've genuinely had no contact.

I'm definitely not going to be as keen to reply quickly anymore and cut the contact right down. I've expressed before about how nice it would be for all of us (the 4 of us) to go out but she just ignores that part of the message which now I realise speaks volumed

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 09:17

@ByeFeliciaa either way my point was that it's not a case of childcare issues Smile

Are you actually happy with your partner? You sound completely indifferent about him.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 09:19

Tbh I'm not happy about life lol. Deep down I am but on the surface everything is just a stress. We have no money, in debt with a lot of companies, have 2 young daughters that don't sleep and one needing regular dietician appointments as she doesn't eat and losing weight.
I lost the will to live a long time ago.

OP posts:
windycuntryside · 27/01/2020 09:23

I have read the whole thread. I generally get the feeling your sil doesn’t regard you as a face to face friend. I noticed some years ago there are people who will message to get replies, because they are bored and lonely. They send general messages to a number of people and wait for replies. I’m sorry but I do not think she is your friend in the way you speak of her.
The family is massively dysfunctional, and trying to figure them out sounds exhausting. It is also the reason he you not invited they don’t know how to interact and be nice. I wonder if your partner is actually embarrassed about and by them? That could be why he doesn’t push for you to be included or he is a prick, I hope it’s not the latter.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 09:23

It's time for him to go back to work. You work evenings and weekends so he can work in the day.

You both need to focus on getting back on track in your home life before you worry about what other people think.

Do you still love each other and want to be together?
Because the alternative would be co-parenting and it sounds like in some ways that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 27/01/2020 09:26

OP, you sound lovely, and also very stressed. Stop wasting your time with these rude people. You have made a huge effort with them and they have responded by excluding you and treating you as a go between because they can't be arsed speaking to your DP (or your DP can't be arsed speaking to them?)

From now on I would stop all the flowery simpering messages and just be polite, brief and direct. Every time they ask you to make arrangements in behalf of DP just say "I don't know, maybe you should ask DP." Every time she sends you a message about how the kids slept, just say "fine thanks. Hope you are well."

And yes, it is weird that you are never invited to anything. DP is wrong about that. Trust your gut.

kiki22 · 27/01/2020 09:54

Ilovemypantry

I just ask because I have a friend who is t total and another who never wants to ask t total friend out on a night out, drinking friend says it's because she's no fun and judges everyone for drinking which is a load of crap. I think its more to do with drinking friend being embarrassed at the state she gets in and knows her relationship with alcohol in unhealthy having a non drinker there seems to make her feel that shes doing something wrong. It's completely the drinking friends issue she's paranoid about being judged I just wondered if it was something like that.

I also wondered if it might be to do with drugs as in the past I was excluded from a friendship group because I wouldn't try coke and had no interest so when they went out on coke I never got invited because I wasnt part of their 'thing's again I always felt that there issue was paranoia about being judged more than anything else.

I'm trying to think of reasons people exclude others jealousy dislike and because they are scared of being judged

DeeCeeCherry · 27/01/2020 10:11

You probably are also invited but he doesn't tell you that/is telling people you have to or prefer staying home with the DCs.

Me & OH go out together, and separately with mates too. But we always spend NYE together I'd turn down any other invitation for that. & we go out together otherwise.

Your man could've got a babysitter and done same. Thoughtless. He wants a social life without you.

Nomorelaundry · 27/01/2020 10:15

Honestly do you see your relationship going the distance. Because I don't even think you like each other that much.

moretolifethan · 27/01/2020 10:19

OP, I would ask the question directly - either to the girlfriend who you seem to know quite well, or to the brother himself. You don't need to be confrontational, but possibly just ask if there is a reason you're not invited as you find it a little strange.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/01/2020 10:22

His whole family dynamic sounds really off.

Stop acting like his secretary, if he wants invited to things then he can give people his direct contact. Stop facilitating him attending things with people who are so rude they only invite you as an afterthought when you ask why.

I take it from you referring to him as OH that you aren't married? What is the house situation? Why is he not working if there is so much debt?

PP who suggested he might just want some time away from the kids...he might but why does that mean excluding his partner? He isn't asking for a couple hours to be by himself, he's attending social functions. Socialising in a group wouldn't even mean he'd have to sit with her all night, DH and I go to parties where we end up spending half the night in completely different groups of people, often in separate rooms (kitchen/living room).

I'd be pissed off and binning the lot of them, OP.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/01/2020 10:25

well x says it's up to you and you can come along if you want to

I'd reply along the lines of "I'm not feeling any enthusiasm for having me there from your response. The reason I asked is because other girlfriends/partners will be there, as will you, so wondered why I specifically was excluded?"

You said in an update that your OH gets on well with his dad and that FIL invited the brothers for Christmas lunch. Were you invited to that too OP, or were you excluded again? It would be extremely rude to invite your OH to lunch on Christmas day and exclude you (and the kids?)

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 10:37

Christmas day lunch was at our house so yeah I was there.

No not married, no money to! House is a council one, my name is on it. He isnt working because he can't get a job, he has tried but there isn't many out there atm. As I said I work in a resturant and my shifts change every week so it's not just a mon-fri 9-5 job.

I've already asked the girlfriend and she has replied. I've had another 3 messages from her and still haven't replied. I have no enthusiasm to now.

OP posts:
SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 27/01/2020 10:37

Yeah honest in my experience that's not normal. I see my DH everyday (actually we spend quite a lot of time together as he works a combination of various different shifts and in a SAHM) but nothing is a substitute for actually going out and spending some quality time together. I think that issue needs addressing rather then worrying about the rest of it.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 27/01/2020 10:38

Honestly*

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 10:41

PP who suggested he might just want some time away from the kids...he might but why does that mean excluding his partner?

Do you never just want to go and have fun and chill out away from your partner and kids? It doesn't matter how much you love them, sometimes it gets overwhelming as a SAHP and you want some different company.

Popc0rn · 27/01/2020 10:41

Don't reply to her OP. She can get to fuck keeping up her weird clingy messages but being so rude by excluding you.

AllHeart1 · 27/01/2020 10:56

OK have caught up with the thread from yesterday and it’s obvious that it’s about them and not you.

Can I ask, how often does he go out? And does he ever stay out overnight?

This might seem a bit out there but could it be possible that he’s seeing someone else and his family know? So they’re not inviting you because they’re caught in the middle so to speak....?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/01/2020 11:00

Do you never just want to go and have fun and chill out away from your partner and kids?

Absolutely but he isn't even going out at any point for fun with her! And it doesn't sound like she gets any social time at all as she is never invited to anything.

Ponoka7 · 27/01/2020 11:09

Did they judge you having a toddler to someone else then having two babies in quick succession and him needing to give up work so you could cope, do you think?

You might be the Meghan Markle of their world ie it's all your fault?

Tbh, you need to give up on them.

I think you and your DP would gain from going out as a couple, 'date nights' are sneered at on here, but it sounds as though you need to rediscover each other. You're very bogged down with life.

It's easy to say (as someone with Adult children) that in two years, things will be so much easier, living those two years is a different kettle of fish. You both need to have fun again.

RockinHippy · 27/01/2020 11:14

I've read a few of your posts & from this, the common factor in you not getting an invite is your DH. He's also gaslighting you by telling you that it isn't weird, when it absolutely is.

You have a DH problem I'm afraid & id suspect you have been invited & he isn't letting in as he likes to go alone. He's a dick

EKGEMS · 27/01/2020 11:21

Oh sure he can't find a job

fishonabicycle · 27/01/2020 11:29

Your husband sounds horrible. Sorry.

Ginfordinner · 27/01/2020 11:29

I'm a little sceptical about the jobless situation as well. what skills/qualifications does he have?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 11:32

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup but she doesn't want to go out with him either