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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 27/01/2020 03:49

Is there an age difference between you and your DP? Sounds like you should ask your mum to babysit and you both get out on a proper date night.

Tinkerbell456 · 27/01/2020 04:00

Seems very odd to me. Unless it’s a stag do or something. Usually fairly automatic that any partner is included in a social invitation. Not to do so seems a bit particular. Especially if other partners are invited. I’d be very hurt if my other half said we have seperate lives too. What is marriage for then? Of course it’s healthy to have outside interests not necessarily the same, but that would hurt me.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 04:26

OP I wonder if he genuinely just wants some times for himself. It's hard being a SAHP (and it's completely unnecessary for you both to be at home all day if you can't afford it but that's your business). Sometimes you just need a couple of hours to yourself - it's not unreasonable for him to want/need that.

The NYE thing was probably a case of his friend only inviting him because your OH said there was no childcare or whatever.

Thebeesgomarching · 27/01/2020 04:36

What a weird family.

SIL is weird. Your OH is weird.

stellabelle · 27/01/2020 04:43

Since your sil keeps up a frequent communication with you, wouldn't it be possible to ask " do you know why DH gets invited to events and I don't ?" I'd think she'd have to answer , since she seems to know what goes on in the family.

If she brushes you off with some excuse like " oh but you have to stay home with the children" you could say no, that doesn't have to happen, I can easily get a sitter and I'd love to attend these gatherings. You could even say bluntly " look, has DH said I don't want to attend ? " because tbh that's what this sounds like.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 07:48

Not really, we are 10 days apart in age.
There is an age gap between me and dsil and dsil and the brother though

I haven't bothered to reply but just got another message from her saying how her daughter slept and asking how did my children sleep

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 27/01/2020 08:07

Reply politely to the child comment, if she asks again about food just say something like ' you'll have to ask DH yourself, I haven't been told anything about this meal so I assume he doesn't want me involved in any way' and see what she says

KellyHall · 27/01/2020 08:09

If you're happy having a virtual friendship with the girlfriend, i.e. texting but never meeting, carry on. It's not that different to chatting with all of us is it?

It sounds off, your partner saying you have separate lives but you also said you're not bothered about having time just the two of you. So you are ok with having separate lives.

I wouldn't be taking unpaid time off or acting as your partner's secretary if you're not happy to do it. It's easily solved: give your partner the girlfriend's number, tell him you're not organising his night out for him. If you really want to lower yourself to their level, work so he can't go.

If you want to be involved in a get together, you're the one in touch with the most people so you organise something. Make it clear you want to do something for all the brothers/parters/children. I try and get all my family together once a year because I want my dd to have a sense of her wider family as she grows up.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 27/01/2020 08:12

The fact you've just said it's not worth going out with your DP alone speaks volumes about your relationship.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 08:16

Really? I see DP every day as it is though. It seems like a hassle to get my mum involved to babysit just for us 2 to go out. When it would be nice to go out in a bigger group. I'm sure most of us would feel like that but maybe not lol

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 08:19

Seeing each other isn't the same as spending quality time together.

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2020 08:23

I agree with another poster, just text her, "how come I'm never invited out with you guys, but husband is? Did I do something wrong?" She has to.reply to that, otherwise you wont reply to anymore messages. I believe you are invited but your husband prefers it without you and the children. But at least this way, you'll know for sure.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 08:31

@Beautiful3 already messaged her and she's already replied. Her reply was posted on my updates around midnight

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 27/01/2020 08:46

Well it's good that you've been invited, but goodness me they're not very gracious are they!
I'd suggest you go along and see if these are the kind of events you want to be part of - perhaps you might decide that you're not missing out at all.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2020 08:50

That's just very odd. Totally unenthusiastic response from her.

I think in this instance I'd go op. See how your partner deals with it.

Something is being left unsaid.

damnthatanxiety · 27/01/2020 08:51

well x says it's up to you and you can come along if you want to"

Hardly welcoming. Sheesh these people. I would have thought 'of course F can come.'

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2020 08:52

My guess is they think uou don't want to go, you don't want to socialise with them.

Text back and say, oh I'd love to come, thank you. Here are my choices.

And then tell your partner.

Popc0rn · 27/01/2020 08:58

I interpret her reply as "you can come if you want to, but we're not bothered either way/would rather you didn't". Honestly how rude of them! I'd be ignoring her daily messages from now on, it's odd that she texts you so much but always has an excuse for why she can't meet up Hmm.

champagneandfromage50 · 27/01/2020 09:00

I get the feeling there apathy towards you comes from your OH. I wonder how he refers to you when he is with them.... it's as if your not part of the family despite having DC together

Forestwitch · 27/01/2020 09:02

Why's it weird? I've got two SIL and I don't get invited. Someone has to look after the kids.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 09:08

@Forestwitch but in this case both the brother and SIL are going so presumably they're taking their child. And it's not the first time.

Sleepyquest · 27/01/2020 09:08

I don't think they treat you very nicely.

I would also tell the gf you don't much care how her daughter slept. It's strange she messages you all the time but hasn't met up with you. I don't like it and I feel bad for you.

hammeringinmyhead · 27/01/2020 09:09

What's the point of your relationship if this is the case?

Yeah we can go out but it's less fun if it's just us two.

Your partner is supposed to be your favourite person. I genuinely don't get it. You sound like you live like flatmates who happen to share kids.

hammeringinmyhead · 27/01/2020 09:10

If he refers to you so indifferently to friends and family then that'll be why you're not invited. They think you're not bothered about wasting a babysitter on each other.

ferrier · 27/01/2020 09:11

I think you need to be more clear with your OH that you want to go out with him. So when he gets an invite which isn't clearly a lads invite and you have an available babysitter the expectation is that you both go.
Talk to him about it. Remind him it's normal to go places together (despite what his own family norm seems to be). Tell him it makes you feel left out all the time. Put your foot down. Your OH is supposed to want to be with you.