Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 26/01/2020 20:59

@Bluntness100

Fair enough. I figured the why she was not invited could be worked out once she'd called them out on the lack of invite originally.

VenusTiger · 26/01/2020 21:05

In fact he actually said I was weird for thinking I would be invited You are being invited OP - every time. Your OH is telling them you can't come because of the kids.

Didkdt · 26/01/2020 21:17

Felicia
He saw you coming with your friendship difficulties ( how do you get on with your family) and your MH problems and he has built a reconstructed reality around you that you are now defending
But the people reading this are saying run for the hills. Independence is not the same as separate lives.
Family gatherings are just that a gathering of family and friends and if after 4 years and 2 children together he doesn't consider you family then he is free loading off you in lots of ways not just financial.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 26/01/2020 21:47

Some Children don’t sleep for a small window in time, this is apart of life-sounds like a bizarre excuse to give up work. I suppose everyone is different but if my DH said he was stopping work because of that I’d be flabbergasted. Op he’s keeping you separate for a reason, he’s the strange one here. You should break out about start a hobby or try and make some mum friends. There is an app called Mush which is like tinder for mums.

Supertrooper98 · 26/01/2020 21:50

Have you asked her yet?

FilledSoda · 26/01/2020 22:00

This is so weird , definitely just ask her.

GooodMythicalMorning · 26/01/2020 22:08

I think your partner has said something, like u don't like going out or something. not inviting long term partners to meals isnt normal.

Greydove28 · 26/01/2020 22:11

Are you a different nationality or race op? Im wondering if they are racist or something. I read your text and it is overly polite. Be more direct as they are being rude to your face and dont care. Dont let them take the piss to your face anymore OP.

Popc0rn · 26/01/2020 22:18

I wouldn't even bother replying to her tbh, it's clear in her invite message that the invite is just meant your partner, not you. How chuffing rude of them! But if you are going to send that text I'd cut "But none the less I know x will have a cracking birthday! Especially having all his brothers there 😊" out, don't go out your way to be so polite to her.

Popc0rn · 26/01/2020 22:25

Also, it is not normal to not be invited to family events after 4 years and 2 children together! The fact he thinks it isn't weird is weird!

We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

Where was he invited? Again, that is odd if it was something that involved couples rather than a 'lads night out', and very rude and thoughtless of your partner to go and leave you on your own on NYE.

Ginseng1 · 26/01/2020 22:36

Everything about this is wrong. Stop being so sodding polite 4 yrs & 2 kids you not invited to things & he thinks that's OK? And all this messaging with Sil & she never wants to meet? On no level are you friends. Just say it & stop pandering to them.

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 26/01/2020 23:08

It's beyond weird. Just ask her.

Apirateslifeforme · 26/01/2020 23:24

Felicia, when I brought up that you were financially supporting him, it wasnt to accuse him of being a cocklodger, but I bring it up as it shows a level of commitment, as does the fact you have two children together.
In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine going to family functions without my husband and spending his money on going out for dinner and drinks if he was not Invited.

I'd not want to be around people who continually tried to disassociate themselves with my partner who I had two children with, or those children.

FWIW it's sort of telling that he isnt in direct contact, but I'm lacking the understanding of why hes going to these meals etc and not feeling quite offended that you're not included

SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2020 23:48

I wonder if your bil has "banned" his partner from writing up with you as he and your DP aren't close and your DP doesn't like her? They seem to have a weird view around boundaries.

What's their relationship like with their mom? How does fil treat MIL?

Ilovemypantry · 26/01/2020 23:53

@kiki22
”are you t total”

What a strange thing to ask! I’m “t total” as in I don’t drink alcohol but this does not mean I’m excluded from any family occasions! I can have as much fun as the next person...just because I choose not to drink doesn’t make me a freak or an unsociable person.

Craftycorvid · 26/01/2020 23:58

To me it’s basic manners to include a partner in an invite - unless it’s clear it’s a specific friendship group or similar (e.g I wouldn’t expect partners at a work ‘do’ etc).

AFirst · 27/01/2020 00:08

Have you ever invited his family to your house? Maybe they think you don't like them?

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 00:29

Okay so I did send my message.
I've only just seen her reply which is
"Thank you we were worried we wouldn't get his food choices back before it was too late 😂 well x says it's up to you and you can come along if you want to"
The rest of the message talks about work and how their child is.

Not that I should have to defend myself or my OH but I'd got to point where I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a night due to our children taking turns of waking up for many hours a night. (I do have an older child which isn't OHs) it was like
Child A would wake at 11pm until 1, child B would wake 2 to 5. I was struggling, fighting on my own and I needed him. More than we needed the money.
I didn't have mh problems until we had children that don't sleep so no I wasn't vulnerable when we met Hmm such is MN to twist everything! Being in the home wrecks my head, the children just scream and tantrum a good 80% of the day. Only peace is when they are asleep and that is barely!(I'm awake awake dd2, 18m!) So it was decided that I would be happier getting out of the house.
If he could get a job that was FT he would be out the door tomorrow!! My job is utter shit, min wage my shifts get cancelled or finish earlier due to not being needed but it's the only money we have coming in(name search me if you must!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 00:34

His parents are divorced and hate each others guts 🙈 quite why both of them are going I've no idea. Them two are more likely to create drama than I am!
His relationship with his mum is again much like low contact, he talks to her if he sees her in the street but won't go out of his way to invite her to dinner.
Relationship with FIL is spot on. Had him and the 3rd brother over for Christmas dinner. They are at ours for the kids birthdays too without question.

I have invited the brother and the girlfriend up on 3 occasions. 1 was to have dinner, 2 was to have drinks and 3 was just a random invite if they were bored "you wanna pop in if you're up this way" type thing. Brother works until 7pm. Only day he doesn't work is when she is working. So they use that as a big excuse. The girlfriend will not come to mine as it's too far (two buses away). They won't go to my FILS either (brother drives) the only time he gets to see his grandchildren is when he goes to theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 00:36

Again I'm not sure why he is going, I think it's to show face. The others would be asking why my OH wasn't there, the only brother to not go.
I can't imagine they will speak much after but the girlfriend has said to me that "x would like to speak to my OH more so maybe this could be the start of that" but who knows

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/01/2020 00:37

X says it's up to you and you can come along if you want to

What the fuck

I'd reply

Well that's jolly kind of x, but why wasn't I invited in the first place?? PS fuck off you're all clearly bonkers

Sadiee88 · 27/01/2020 01:05

Very strange!
You say you & your oh haven’t been out together either. How is the relationship in other areas...

katy1213 · 27/01/2020 01:18

You're not his social secretary so I'd ignore any requests for his food choices. He can eat what he's given if he can't maintain contact with his own family!
But surely you can get dolled up and go out together without involving your in-laws? Especially if their idea of a big night-out is standing on someone's driveway with a bonfire!
It does sound as if you're pushing the brother's girlfriend too hard, though, if you're messaging her every day. I don't want that level of contact with anybody and I'd be backing off. You need to make some friends of your own and be less invested in your partner's dysfunctional family.

Wingedharpy · 27/01/2020 01:39

Like a PP, I too wondered if there were any cultural issues here OP, such as, are the Brother's girlfriend and the DM, doing all the cooking, serving and clearing up and it's just the men that will be socialising?

TBH, it doesn't sound like the party of the century to me, given how you've described them😉

Don't go.
Stock up on your own treats, put your feet up, loosen your corsets and have a great night in.👍

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 02:23

No cultural issues.
It's a resturant they've booked and everyone pays for their own food and drink so not even like they are having to fork out for me!
Ha unfortunately losing a days wage and sitting in with 3 children under 6 isn't much of a treat so come Saturday I will probably be in a bad mood 🙈

The standing in the garage was NYE and it was my partners friends who organised that, again the invite didn't extend to me!

Yeah we can go out but it's less fun if it's just us two. When it's a big group of people you're socializing with, who you've not seen in a few months(talking about his friends here) then it's a bit better. We are less likely to go out just us, doesn't seem worth it lol.

Again she is always the one to message me first. I'll get a message about 8, saying morning. How her child slept etc. Then I'll get another message, if I haven't replied to either of them then I'll get another message asking why I haven't replied. This has been on going since mid June! Its definitely her that starts the contact. I'm not some weird clinger on-er

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread