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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me what you do...

125 replies

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:22

With teenage stepchildren.

They come EOW.

More often than not this is the only time I see my OH too as he works away.

Pissing with rain this weekend. I did a 5 hour round trip to collect them on Friday and they have spent the majority of the weekend sat in their room on their phones, don’t want to read, play a board game or go swimming.

They also haven’t brought coats with them (ongoing source of frustration - they had coats here but took them home aged left them there and we don’t have a never ending supply of money to continually buy coats).

What is the point of them coming? What do others do? Argh!!

OP posts:

Obligatorync · 26/01/2020 13:29

How old are they? How far from their other home are you?

letsdolunch321 · 26/01/2020 13:31

I would suggest an evening of no phones (7-9pm) on Saturday of the weekends they are with you and they chose what they want to do. Wasting time on phones is not allowed.

They can suggest what they want to do ..... either a games evening (board games, twister, card playing) ten pin bowling, a takeaway where discussions take place or cinema and make sure this happens. Also explain when they moan this is what is going to be happening from here in.

If you talk to the exw, text her saying can the kids bring coats next time they visit. Do this on the day before collection & a reminder the day of collection. If not, when collecting tell them if they appear without a coat to go and get one.

In this situation you are the adults, the kids have to respect this

Thestrangestthing · 26/01/2020 13:34

That's probably what they do at home too. Teenagers generally don't want to play board games or go swimming with their parents. When you say read do you mean read alone?
Cinema? Go for dinner?

Namechangers87171717 · 26/01/2020 13:34

That’s teens for you! How old are they?

Old enough to leave at home? If so just get on with your weekend like their mum would do if they were at hers!

If you leave them to it they will eventually wander on down and have a takeaway etc.

They want to relax after a busy week at school not be forced into activities

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:35

We are 2.5 hours away from their home.

We do not have a great relationship with their mother and repeatedly ask that they bring coats and they do not.

We went for a meal last night which was nice but also conscious that we shouldn’t have to fork out on treats every single time they come.

They, and maybe their generation in general seem quite crap at amusing themselves without their phones. I have quietly insist that DH takes their phones off them ON as he has no idea what they are doing on SM or who they are talking to

They are 13 and 15

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:36

Also they spend a large amount of time with their mum at the local pub and the local social club and we are really really conscious not to do activities which involve us drinking alcohol.

OP posts:

mrsbyers · 26/01/2020 13:36

Turn off the WiFi

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:38

Funnily enough that’s what he used to do to my teenagers!!

OP posts:

Namechangers87171717 · 26/01/2020 13:39

A meal out is nice though, would you do that if they weren’t there? Not really a treat if so.

2.5hrs from home is some distance so I’d imagine they will be chatting with their friends and working out what they are missing out on etc.

Honestly it’s not going to be forever that they want to keep coming all that distance and missing out on things back home so I’d make the most of it while they do. If sitting in their rooms and coming out for a 15 min convo is as much as you get at the moment then that’s fine.

OhNoMyCheds · 26/01/2020 13:41

Could you do a family pizza night (or other food related night) where you make dinner together? You could have a bake off competition or something. Separate into teams and one team makes the main and the other team makes the dessert.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2020 13:43

We make meal times an important part of the day so DSD has to sit at the table and interact; same with dinner. Someone told me that at dinner time they always ask their children questions like what’s been the best part of your day, what nice thing have you done for someone else, what could have gone better so we go round asking things like that. I started it as a jokey thing but it really gets conversation flowing in a way that doesn’t normally happen and we find out a lot about DSDs week that way. We also watch a film agreed by all on Saturday night with no phones allowed (that includes me and DH).
We also don’t give the choice of staying in so it’s “we’re going out today, do you want to go to a or b. Or another suggestion?” Usually on a Sunday tho it’s a bit of a chill out day for us all; if DSD then wants to spend a lot of time on her phone that’s ok as I might do the same and DH might want to chill out and watch a film while we do that

Bluerussian · 26/01/2020 13:44

Don't take their phones away, there's not much point in that and they are big enough to be able to choose what to do or what not to do.

They sound like fairly typical teenagers.

Regarding coats, ask them to bring coats next time they come, not their mother. They aren't babies.

I don't think it's unreasonable to go out for a meal once every other weekend; at least no one has to cook on that night.

It's up to your husband to organise things for his children, you do more than your bit by collecting them. I'd hate to have to drive all that way on a regular basis, it's a bit much. Is there no way they can get a train and you meet them or something?

Just carry on with what you want to do while they are visiting, that's what happens most of the time with families as children get older. It's a pity they don't have friends local to you to mix with occasionally.

It won't be long before they'll be doing their own thing anyway so while they are still visiting dad's house regularly, it needs to be a home from home where they feel comfortable to do what they like or do nothing. Just don't try so hard, be a bit casual.

Ponoka7 · 26/01/2020 13:45

Would they need a coat if they went to the pictures?

How proactive is their Dad? It's him that needs to be directing this. Does he really resent paying for food out?

Who moved 2.5 hours away? You use 'we' a lot but he needs to work on keeping his relationship with them going.

FAQs · 26/01/2020 13:45

They are old enough to decide on bringing coats, most teens don’t wear one, it seems to be in their DNA. Also staying in their room is pretty normal. Swimming activities etc is something which might interest a 6 year old, not their age.

Obligatorync · 26/01/2020 13:48

I think if affordable cinema and meals out are a really normal part of teenage life. As are phones - don't take them away as they are 2.5h away from their friends.
If these things aren't affordable, pizza and movie at home maybe? Or a climbing wall? Shopping?

StormBaby · 26/01/2020 13:50

I have a very large blended family here, ages range from 21 down to 11. We don't always know who we will have coming every weekend, but it's always fun, noisy, hectic. I do activities with them if they want to, if they don't then that's fine. We watch movies at home, get a takeaway, go to the cinema, the boys do sports clubs, we go swimming, go on dog walks, do baking and crafts. Sometimes we crack out some instruments and make a racket. Sometimes we play Uno. We go camping in the summer lots, bbqs most weekends, the pool is up all summer, they have water fights out the back. At no point do I ever restrict gadgets. They join in if they want to.

olivesnutsandcheese · 26/01/2020 13:52

Make Saturday night pizza and film night. Something you're all happy to watch. Make popcorn, pizzas in the oven and some sort of ice cream for pud. No phones allowed for duration of film.Then let them do what they want the rest of the time. Entice them downstairs for brunch on sunday with bacon

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:52

They do actually like going swimming tbh.

They aren’t brilliant swimmers, we taught them to swim.

It’s better when we just have one of them as when they swim together they just flick water at each other which does my head in.

We don’t resent paying for a meal out but we can’t afford to do it every time they come.

I do baking with them sometimes which they like, we do tell them consistently to bring coats and they don’t. DH can be a bit of a helicopter parent and worries about them getting cold whereas I fully believe that they have to take the consequences of their actions (ie you didn’t bring a coat, it’s January and you will most likely get cold).

No one really moved away. They were up North when they split and she moved to where her parents live in the South and I live 2.5 hours away from her and he still works in Scotland in the forces.

OP posts:

MovingBriskyOn · 26/01/2020 13:53

Some time to chill is important.

Do they know any kids their own/similar ages where you live? Can you introduce them to any? Any club or activities they can join in with?

And surely at those ages they could borrow a coat or warm jumpers from you or your OH

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:56

They are bigger than me they wouldn’t fit into my clothes.

They have a lot of (unnecessary) time off school so yes chill time is important I agree but I also think you can have too much of a good thing!!

OP posts:

cloudchaos · 26/01/2020 14:03

Surely when you pick them up you say "where are your coats?" and send them back in for them if they are not wearing them?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/01/2020 14:05

They sound like most teenagers. Orher than on MN I have never come across families of teens that have board game nights or pizza and film nights. As generally they are in their rooms or out with friends. And this is not a new phenomenon as a teenager I was either out with friends or in my room listening to music and reading Jackie or Smash hits or something. Occasionally we did a family activity or all watched the same program but that was it.

Original poster

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 14:09

Their mum leaves their stuff in the shed which I collected before getting them from school .

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 26/01/2020 14:09

Surely when you pick them up you say "where are your coats?" and send them back in for them if they are not wearing them?

That's just what I was going to say! I wouldn't let them get into the car without their coats. What if the car broke down? It's just ridiculous going 2.5 hours away without a coat.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2020 14:11

Is there anything on Netflix they like to watch, that you could all watch together?

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