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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me what you do...

125 replies

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:22

With teenage stepchildren.

They come EOW.

More often than not this is the only time I see my OH too as he works away.

Pissing with rain this weekend. I did a 5 hour round trip to collect them on Friday and they have spent the majority of the weekend sat in their room on their phones, don’t want to read, play a board game or go swimming.

They also haven’t brought coats with them (ongoing source of frustration - they had coats here but took them home aged left them there and we don’t have a never ending supply of money to continually buy coats).

What is the point of them coming? What do others do? Argh!!

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 26/01/2020 14:15

Sound like typical teenagers to me. Turn off the WiFi if it’s family time. Watch a film together or Netflix binge? Stranger things is quite good for variety of ages or do some more baking with them?
I would also insist they get their coats from the house before leaving next time.

Thingsthatgo · 26/01/2020 14:16

I think that it’s not a bad thing that they are just hanging out. When I was a teenager I was mostly avoiding spending time with my family (although they are lovely). I would eat meals with them and then disappear to my room. (I was mostly doing creative stuff in a sketchbook or reading, but I’m sure if i’d had access to the internet I would’ve been doing that).

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 14:17

I don’t pick them up from the house I pick them up from school.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 26/01/2020 14:17

If the coat thing is an issue for you could whoever picks them up make 'have you got your coats?' the first question when they get in the car so they can go back and get them if not? It might feel like micromanaging them but at least there wouldn't be an extra limitation on what you can do when they're with you.

How does DH feel about them being in their rooms? They do sound fairly typical teenagers to me but I could understand the concern if DH feels he's missing out on what little time he gets to spend with them. If he and they are happy with things as they are I would let them get on with it in your position though, if they're not worried why should you be?

roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 14:18

Let your partner plan activities or just let them be.

Di11y · 26/01/2020 14:20

could you buy a couple of cheap waterproofs and fleeces and make sure they leave them at yours - not even in the car on the way home?

Hidingtonothing · 26/01/2020 14:21

Ah, cross post, do they not have their coats at school then? Not that I'll be surprised if you say no, DN(15) won't wear one for love nor money! Smile

bigchris · 26/01/2020 14:33

Aw op you sound like a great parent !

They want to chill but you can make them a nice dinner and all chat while eating that

What about homework at weekends

I've got a 13 year old watching the footie with me now and a 15 year old on you tube , next weekend is busier ( taking dd to a concert ) but they need chill out time, 15 year old just done mocks and is knackered

bigchris · 26/01/2020 14:36

Mine won't wear coats by the way,just hoodies , even to school

Try getting a teenager in an anorak or fleece Grin

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 14:46

No they don’t take them to school and we brought them quite expensive ones Sad

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 26/01/2020 14:56

Fleeces and waterproofs at yours definitely. I agree that really they are just doing what most teens do. They really don't see the concept of 'quality time' as important or frankly, think that their parents are the people they want to 'hang out' with. I agree with activities like bowling (look for Groupon deals) and meals out can be pizza hut or all u can eat buffets, doesn't have to be £££

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 26/01/2020 14:59

It sounds like there are a few issues. One being that their dad had firm rules for your children, which he's not enforcing for his (turning off the WiFi).
I imagine you're collecting them as it seems helpful, but perhaps this is another case where their dad should be doing the legwork. A five hour roundtrip is a lot to ask of you. Maybe he could travel nearer to where they live and have a weekend away with them.
Do your own children live there or visit? Do they feel welcome?
You mention that he works away. Is this your house, and he stays there occasionally, or did you buy it together?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 15:05

He comes home from the opposite end of the country (8 hours) and I take some time off work sometimes and do this bit of the journey to alleviate him (and avoid him being tired and grumpy all weekend). I am seeing him about two weekends a month atm so if he had a weekend just with them we would only see each other once that month which is very difficult esp as he will be going away for an extended period this year.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 15:13

You have to keep his children entertained and put yourself out massively to keep your partner from being tired and grumpy all weekend??
With respect, you sound like a surrendered wife !

MrsWhites · 26/01/2020 15:23

I think you are trying too hard to be honest OP, you only see your partner for two weekends of a month yet here you are bending over backwards to think of activities for his children. Why doesn’t he think of activities to keep them occupied.

Although to be honest I don’t think it’s necessary. If they are happy to chill, watch movies and mess with their phones, that’s pretty normal teenage behaviour. I appreciate your intentions are good but I really would just leave them to it and get on with your weekend!

bigchris · 26/01/2020 15:24

From your latest post is he worth it

You hardly see him and when you do the kids are there

I'd be creating a life of my own tbh

Who wants to spend their weekends miserable

MrsWhites · 26/01/2020 15:24

Only just spotted that you have teens of your own, in that case, invite them along with whatever you are doing with your children. If they choose to tag along, great (although they need to take some responsibility for themselves and bring a coat), if not, they’ll have to stay home, your can’t make them join in!

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 15:30

No - two of my kids have left home and the one at home works weekends and is soon off to Uni.

OP posts:
Possiblynotever · 26/01/2020 15:32

It is a very difficult call as they are not your children, but I think that you should establish some rules. In general, they should not be left in their room alone on their phone....it is like leaving them in a room with strangers. You need to be very careful. So, use of phone only when they are in common areas.
Also, they can survive without coats - I am sure they can borrow a few jumpers off you and you DH. They will not look great which serves them right.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 15:32

@bigchris it’s not unlike any other military family tbh.

I choose not to live on patch as I have a career here and house that I owned before I met DH (now jointly owned).

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 26/01/2020 15:57

Not a step parent but I remember DD going to stay with some of DH's relatives and they were shocked at how much time she spent alone in the bedroom. On her phone obviously.

It must be frustrating not having coats.

I'd be tempted to do a take away tea on a Saturday and play board games or watch an appropriate film together.

roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 16:47

I would recommend you take time to go out,see friends, etc.
Leave your DP alone with his kids and let him relate to them instead of expected get you to do it.
They may all prefer that.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 16:54

He doesn’t expect me to do it. I guess I am a bit more practical with kids than he is (I brought up 3 alone). He has never really brought up his kids and can be a bit clueless at times and I probably just step into “mum” role when they are here as it’s natural to me.

If I pissed off out with my mates when he is here I would never see him.

I have a good relationship with them.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 17:00

He needs to step up and be their parent . You are enabling this situation.
None of us had a clue how to parent at the beginning, we just got on with it.

Arthritica · 26/01/2020 17:00

Cook with them on a Saturday? A good life skill and can be fun, especially with a playlist.

Sunday morning walk - buy a couple of cheap fleeces to leave in your car - that's not optional, just to get some air for an hour. Occasional family bowling trip or takeaway and DVD?