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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me what you do...

125 replies

MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 13:22

With teenage stepchildren.

They come EOW.

More often than not this is the only time I see my OH too as he works away.

Pissing with rain this weekend. I did a 5 hour round trip to collect them on Friday and they have spent the majority of the weekend sat in their room on their phones, don’t want to read, play a board game or go swimming.

They also haven’t brought coats with them (ongoing source of frustration - they had coats here but took them home aged left them there and we don’t have a never ending supply of money to continually buy coats).

What is the point of them coming? What do others do? Argh!!

OP posts:
JRUIN · 26/01/2020 17:22

They sound like typical teenagers to me. If they're happy let them be.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 17:28

I worry about the amount of time they spend online tbh.

DSD1 has form for posting some really inappropriate stuff on Insta and I don’t really want that going on on our “watch”.

OP posts:
OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 26/01/2020 17:57

Since you're not their mum, it has to come from him. It sounds like he won't back you up anyway.

What happens when your own children are at home?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 17:59

I wasn’t suggesting for one minute that I am their mum - they are usually quite respectful towards me and I am perfectly within my rights to have my own rules in our own home and I will enforce them where necessary.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:00

You're not actually taking advice here OP, so why ask?
These children are your partner's responsibility,not yours. By all means, should help him but not be the one responsible.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:03

We are a team.

If they are staying in our house we are both responsible for them.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:07

It doesn't look like that from here. It looks like you are taking on the majority of responsibilities to keep your DP sweet tempered.
It sounds like a very sad situation for you while everyone else is content with the situation.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:08

No that’s not the case at all.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:08

You ask "what is the point in them coming?"
Possibly to see their Dad and give their Mum a break.
What is the point of you stressing.
Leave them be.

Vulpine · 26/01/2020 18:10

I wouldnt ask my partner to do a 5 hour round trip for kids who weren't his

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:11

He didn’t ask me to, I suggested it and have done it 100s of times in the last 10 years.

OP posts:
roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:11

I would start with not collecting them, thereby, giving them time in the car with their Dad and letting him take responsibility for his children actually getting to their other home.
Help out when they arrive, but don't lead...seriously you are doing too much here.
Your DP may be taking advantage of you.

roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:13

You are way too accommodating.
You sound like you want to appease your partner.
Try spending one weekend away while they are there and let them get on with it.
Be less available.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:15

He lives and 8 hour drive from home 12 with picking up the girls on top.

I sometimes go and get them, he drives home for our relationship, I don’t travel to him (when I do I fly) he doesn’t have to, not all guys do.

I am easing the burden sometimes by getting his kids and they are probably safer with me actually too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:16

I am hardly going to go away for a weekend when he’s coming home and I haven’t seen him for 2 or 3 weeks Hmm

OP posts:
JRUIN · 26/01/2020 18:18

I could be wrong here, but it sounds to me more like you are criticizing their mum's parenting rather than being actually worried about these kids. As long as they are respectful to you I would suggest that it is tup to their parents to decide whether they are spending too long online or not, not you.

roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:18

What do you mean by 'they are safer with you' ?

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 26/01/2020 18:19

I want suggesting that you thought you were their mum. What I've said since the start is that you're doing too much, making it easy for him, what's he doing etc. When I said
Since you're not their mum, it has to come from him. It sounds like he won't back you up anyway.
I was again saying that their dad had to take the initiative. Much like he did with your children, when he wanted the WiFi switched off.

To be clear :
He is happy for you to take time off work to do a 5 hour trip on a Friday (and again on Sunday?) "so that he's not grumpy all weekend" but he's not actually doing much to get them off their phones, is he?

And presumably your other child is still at school, what happens when they're at home?

roisinagusniamh · 26/01/2020 18:20

If your partner was single he would have to sort the transport out.
You are being used.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/01/2020 18:21

I presume she means he has already had a long drive and another couple of hours on top is going to make him extremely tired.

ThePants999 · 26/01/2020 18:21

Voted YABU for clickbait title. Would it have been so hard to put the "with teenage stepchildren" in place of the ellipsis?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 26/01/2020 18:21

As in they are safer with driver who has driven a shorter distance and who isn’t tired.

No I haven’t taken them today he has.

OP posts:
Knitwit99 · 26/01/2020 18:21

You sound like a good team to me, sharing the load. Don't know why people are so quick to suggest he's a bad parent and partner.
The amount of time my older kids spend in their rooms annoys me but I'm sure I was similar at that age. I would make them come out for meals and that's about it.
I might say "dad and I are watching xyz tonight, want to watch it with us?" Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
They usually appear for Casualty on a Saturday evening.

Vulpine · 26/01/2020 18:21

It would be easier if everyone lived a little closer to each other especially whilst they're young

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 26/01/2020 18:22

I don't know what you mean by
he doesn’t have to, not all guys do
Not all guys do what?