Please tell me what you do...

[MrsBrentford]

With teenage stepchildren.

They come EOW.

More often than not this is the only time I see my OH too as he works away.

Pissing with rain this weekend. I did a 5 hour round trip to collect them on Friday and they have spent the majority of the weekend sat in their room on their phones, don’t want to read, play a board game or go swimming.

They also haven’t brought coats with them (ongoing source of frustration - they had coats here but took them home aged left them there and we don’t have a never ending supply of money to continually buy coats).

What is the point of them coming? What do others do? Argh!!

Not all guys who travel (in the forces) go home every weekend they aren’t on duty.

And you are grateful for that?
Seriously, are you a surrendered wife type?

No I am not “grateful”. He puts a lot of effort into a difficult situation.

I have no idea what a surrendered wife is.

I do things for my husband and he does things for me - that’s marriage isn’t it?

OK, so what if like 'other guys' he didn't come home on non working weekend, would the teens still come to you?
Google 'Surrendered wife'
It sounds (and you're the one giving the facts, remember) like you are accommodating you partner's parenting of his kids.
Seriously, leave them to it, just for one weekend, and see what happens.

Of course they wouldn’t come if he wasn’t here.

When you haven’t seen your husband for weeks on end and emir comes home you do not “go away” for the weekend “to see what happens” it’s such an absolutely stupid suggestion.

If I had plans with friends then yes I would go away (and have done). He’s perfectly capable of parenting his own children.

Well then, you've answered your own question.
Leave them all to it and concentrate on your own needs.
He is their parent you are the step.
He parents, you help, not the other way around.

PS; you're the one being 'stupid' .
You are absolutely being used.

By offering to do something to make the person I am married to have an easier life is not “being used”.

He cleaned the house while I was gone. I absolutely hate cleaning.

I am alone a lot, I concentrate on my own happiness a lot, I do three sports a week I see my friends and family when I want, because he is away and I need to do those things to keep myself sane sometimes.

When we are together (4 days a month atm) what makes me happy is making someone else happy.

@roisinagusniamh that’s a bit harsh. They are a family, why should OP not help parent the dc. It’s not an us and them situation. She would just like the dc to be a bit more sociable but like most young people they are glued to their screens as am I at the moment and I should know better.

You said:

Not all guys who travel (in the forces) go home every weekend they aren’t on duty.

Are you referring to other dads who only see their children for a few days a month? If so, they're hardly a good example of where to set the bar.
If you're referring to single or childfree men, that's not really the same thing, is it?

It'd be interesting to hear how much he has done for your own children. You've said that for the past ten years you've been ferrying his around, and certainly at the moment you don't seem to expect much from him. It does sound like you are grateful that he comes home.

If you're both concerned about Internet time, and he misses his children when he's away, then he needs to be the one who talks to them about it. He should be the one who thinks up ideas for what they can do together for quality time at the weekends.

Maybe I am, but from what the OP has said it would appear the DP leaves a lot of their parenting to her. She also sound a bit resentful of them (swimming , coats and meals out, etc)
"They're not very good at swimming" why say that...it's a bit off, imo.
Ideally, he shouldn't live so far away from them.
And OP doing all that driving and leaving work early so he won't be grumpy over the weekend is a red flag.

As I said in the sentence you actually quoted - I was referring to service men/women.

I said they aren’t very good at swimming because they aren’t very good at swimming

They aren’t on MN they aren’t reading this - I wouldn’t actually say that to their faces.

Yes I know you were referring to service men / women.And I still think the bar is set very low if you're saying "well they don't all go home to see their children whenever they have a weekend off." It's really not anything unusual. As I said, I'd judge service people with children differently to those without.

You rather pointedly mentioned that you and their father taught them how to swim OP. Just wondering why you didn't teach them better?

My teens would have laughed me out of the house...if id suggested swimming or board games....just leave them alone...the more you try to force activities on them the more they will retreat to their rooms on their phones.

Your step children are a similar age to my DC. We are fairly easy going with regards to tech, but have a firm rule that Saturday night is family night and the tech gets put away and we have popcorn and watch family TV together. Could you try that?

We live on the coast (as do they) and apart from swimming being a very important life skill (DH agrees) we also do a lot of water sports which they would like to take part in but neither of us are happy to take them in the sea to do these until they can swim properly - these activities would be nice to do as a family or for DH to do with them but atm they aren’t safe.

They never go swimming other than when they are here so don’t get a massive amount of practice and fuck about flicking water at each other and trying to drown each other rather than trying to become stronger swimmers.

That is why I mentioned swimming.

All your answers defend your lifestyle so what do you need help with

How old are they ? All things are phases , if they're 16 it's a matter of months before they won't want to come , etc

You have teenagers in your life who wear coats?
yes I really am struggling on that one.
Coats... not even fleeces... but actual coats ?

If they enjoy flicking water at each other then what is the problem with that? You don't need to be in the pool with them at that age, anyway.

I get that you want something structured to happen so suggest that you get some ongoing specific planning with your DH for him to spend quality time with His Children. He can flick water back at them in the pool, etc.

We got told off for allowing them in the pool alone because they were running and they were out of their depth in the deep end.

You are not being completely honest with yourself OP.
I think the issue is not with the stepchildren, it's with you partner and you are projecting it onto his kids.

You've posted about him/them before haven't you? Your threads always go the same way, you ask for advice, people tell you that your DP isn't actually a great dad (or partner!), you refute this and spend the thread defending him.

Rinse and repeat.

@ WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles.

No I have not.

I asked what people do with teenagers who come and stay - that’s it.