AIBU to expect to be offered a drink?

[PurplePunk]

Just that really. Went over to MILs for a meal / drinks. I drove and was the only one not on alcoholic drinks.
AIBU to be slightly annoyed that I wasn’t offered a drink all night?! I don’t feel comfortable enough around MIL to help myself and was always taught it’s rude to outright ask!

as it would be a criticism of their hospitality

A very valid criticism. Perhaps if they cared for all their guests they wouldn't be "insulted" in this manner.

as I am not allowed anyone in my house and I only have one drinking vessel in any case this would not happen

DDIJ

I think you might need to seriously consider that your upbringing might have screwed you up. I'm worried for you if you think that you really can't challenge your mother. You are likely to be treated badly in relationships if you really think as you have said, and you are a prime target for CF's.

Read some book's on assertiveness.

@DDIJ

Did you want a drink of water or something else? I would not dream of asking for water at my mum's and it's not something she would offer. I certainly wouldn't get up and help myself

I’m confused- so when you go to your mum’s, do you just sit there dying of thirst?

I would not dream of asking for water at my mum's and it's not something she would offer. I certainly wouldn't get up and help myself

Wow, just wow @DDIJ So you would make yourself sit there getting thirstier and thirstier and making a martyr of yourself, for something that isn’t rude in the first place? Is this the home you grew up in? Did you not help yourself to a glass of water or other drink when you lived there? Why on earth do you feel you can’t ask your own mother for a glass of water? Is she really so scary? In what family dynamic/culture would this be considered rude?

Sorry but I DO think it is rude to jump up from the table, burst into someone's kitchen and start rummaging in cupboards looking for a glass and help yourself to a drink

You ask if they mind you going to get a glass of water. Are you afraid of your parents?

so, it would be rude to start demanding water

It is rude to demand. It really isn’t rude to ask. It sounds like you need to do some assertiveness training.

I am utterly gobsmacked at the meekness and overthinking sensitivity of some posters who allow people to walk all over them, especially for something as simple as asking for a glass of water

This is the 21st century where women have a voice. We aren't meek downtrodden creatures that the older generation can control.

clappy you call it over thinking, I call it thinking. This is where the value of sites like this becomes apparent; clearly most people would consider my position to be a bit mad. Whilst I clearly don't consider it to be mad, these results have encouraged me to act more rudely (at least, in my own mind) in future encounters

I agree that it's a valid criticism Soup, but if you've been raised in the firm belief that you must never ever criticise someone even indirectly (because then they might not like you and the world would end), then it is a bit daunting. Minor level daunting, obvs - it's not like Everest or some shit. But daunting nonetheless.

If you are too nervous to ask your MIL or make your own, maybe say to your husband beforehand to make your drinks for you?

My MIL prides herself that anyone can get anything in her house and it's so homely, but I only ever have a can of coke becuase I know where they are in the garage

@DDIJ
No, but as I am not allowed anyone in my house and I only have one drinking vessel in any case this would not happen. I would have to refuse them in any case as the mug would probably not be washed

Please tell me this a wind up?

Please!

No, but as I am not allowed anyone in my house and I only have one drinking vessel in any case this would not happen. I would have to refuse them in any case as the mug would probably not be washed

Why are you not allowed to have anyone in your house? Who is controlling your life?

I agree with katewhinesalot. It sounds like you need to learn how to put yourself first and put up some sensible boundaries. What you describe here is definitely not normal.

It would also be rude to ask someone else (ie not my mum) at their house as it would be a criticism of their hospitality.

It really isn't rude to ask for a drink, the majority of people would say sure what would you like or sure help yourself.

@DDIJ are you ok? Mumsnet can help you if you tell us what's going on

Sorry but I DO think it is rude to jump up from the table, burst into someone's kitchen and start rummaging in cupboards looking for a glass and help yourself to a drink.

Why the ridiculous dramatic language? Jumping, bursting, rummaging rofl.

It goes as follows: you don't mind if I just pop and get a glass of water? Host either says 'of course not, help yourself the glasses are in the cupboard on the ' or 'you stay there, I'll get it for you'

Tbh if someone is so touchy that they consider someone asking for water 'rude' then that if frankly their problem not mine.

"Rude" does not mean asking for any of your needs to be met. You are allowed to have needs and to ask people for things to help them be met. Have the posters who think this is rude been brought up to always put themselves last, always suppress their own needs?

Asking someone for a glass of water politely is not rude in any way, and is not a criticism of anyone. People get thirsty. People get thirsty at different times. Water is easily available and costs your host nothing. Asking for a glass of water is completely normal behaviour.

it would be a criticism of their hospitality

It's real life not come dine with me, my hospitality is far from perfect but the most important thing for me is guests are comfortable in my house.

Why the ridiculous dramatic language? Jumping, bursting, rummaging rofl.

This ^^

It's so typically Mumsnet!

Any sign of OP?

This thread reminds me of a girl I used to know in my teens, she had no qualms about going in to peoples kitchens and helping herself to a drink even if it was the first time she’d been to their house!
The first time I saw her do it I was a bit shocked! she didn’t even ask first, just walked in to the persons kitchen and started opening cupboards looking for a glass and helped herself! I wouldn’t have the guts 😂

OP must have collapsed of dehydration.

@DDIJ that all sounds rather concerning. I hope you can seek help

@ContessaferJones I have a cheek to criticise anyone for overthinking, I’m the queen of it, except where eating and drinking is concerned

OP must have collapsed of dehydration.

But to be fair to her she wasn't being unreasonable to expect to be offered a drink. They were shit hosts - if I have people coming round who won't be able to drink I make sure we have a selection of non-alcoholic drinks.

It was the batshittery over not being able to ask for a glass of water or her DH not saying anything. They all sound as mad as hatters to me.

when there is a household of people drinking alcohol non drinkers often get forgotten

Yes its rude not to get asked but your a grown women. Ask for some water or whatever next time. It's so easy to sometimes forget without meaning to be rude. And even if she doesn't want to ask you should not just go without becouse it's silly. My mil offers but has always said go help myself if I want.

Why is it your mil's fault? Surely other people were present, including your own husband. Is it just expected that your mil does everything because she's the woman of the house?

You could have easily turned to your husband and asked him to get you a drink.

"Mil can I have a drink please?"

was always taught it’s rude to outright ask!

And this is why silly old fashioned rules are silly. If you're thirsty asking for a glass of water isn't rude.