11yo DD getting inappropriate messages from 12yo boy

[bonnie1981]

Need a bit of advice and no criticism please as I already feel like a really shit mum and wonder how I could have missed this.

DD is 11yo. We are in Scotland. She's in the first year of high school and is one of the youngest in her year but also one of the tallest and looks much older. This is a worry for me in terms of how she is percieved and her desire to 'keep up' with her older peers.

She says we are far too strict - we don't let her go to the houses of friends we do not know, we do not let her go into the city on the train with her friends unless an adult also there, we don't let her stay out past a certain time, we have a tracker on her phone, there are certain places she's not allowed to go and we've only recently allowed her to walk home from school.

She's doing well at school - getting good reports, getting results between 70-80% in tests, 100% for music. All homework submitted in time.

But I have felt that she's becoming more moody, more argumentative, blaming me for everything, saying she 'hates school' etc. I initially put it down to hormones, typical teenage behaviour etc. When she moaned I was too strict, I worried that maybe I was being overprotective.

It kind of came to a head last week. We had a big argument about her moodiness and snappiness. Also her eating habits - she's hardly eating anything and I was getting rather concerned. She was also mad because she wanted to go into the city (hour each way on the train) with some friend I'd never heard of before and DD has never been on a train herself before and hardly at all as we have cars. I asked DD if there was anything else going on and she lied and said no.

I asked a few times to let me see her phone and her messages because I was suspicious that maybe something else was going on. Maybe she was being bullied. Every time I asked, she would say "Oh my phone's dead" or she would say hang on, take her time which made me think, is she deleting messages. I even tried sneaking into her room whilst she was asleep to get it only to find it nowhere even though she nearly always had it on charge and in sight before.

Anyway tonight we had another argument. I said let me see your phone. Its dead etc etc. I said okay lets charge it right next to my chair. She then started to cry. Turns out she has a boyfriend! He told her not to tell her parents. Messages her saying not to hang out with x friend or y friend, do you want to skip class and even worse, he sends her sexually explicit messages! DD has not responded in a similar manner, other than a few love yous, miss you etc. She tells me she really likes him!

Obv I went ape shit. Telling DD she is 11 yo, she's not to see him or talk to him anymore, his messages are inappropriate, I will call his mum and the school if it continues, she is grounded for a month, only allowed phone whilst at school (in case of emergencies / sick etc), no more walking to or from school, homework to be done at dinner table not in her room etc.

I did get her to text the boy to get his home number before blocking him, meaning I'm able to call his mum if needs be. He did say before being blocked delete my home number so I think he's worried now.

AIBU to threaten to call his mum if he doesn't leave DD alone? Will I get into any trouble for maybe harassing him? My DH wants to call the police, but this boy is 12, is that too extreme?

I'm devastated. I did everything I could to keep DD safe got told I was overprotective, and yet this still happens. I'm worried there might be more going on that I don't know. I worry that I've let DD down. I worry what else may be to come if this is happening at just 11 yo. She comes from a good home. We've always been open and honest with her about safety, relationships, responsible behaviour etc. I never thought we'd be the kind of family that this happened to.

I'm worried that DD may get bullied now by this boy and/or his friends.

Has anyone been in a similar position and what else can I do?

I’m another one who thinks you’ve been too strict on this girl in real life while simultaneously allowing her way too much internet freedom.

I’m not saying this to be mean, but you’ve asked how to handle this going forwards and you therefore need to understand what has gone wrong in order to move on.

She needs to be able to talk to you about things which she might find potentially embarrassing (eg boys, bullying etc).

It sounds like she’s received these messages, but not responded in kind or necessarily encouraged this boy to be inappropriate. I suspect she was flustered and didn’t know how to respond to it, so she’s kind of ignored it / buried her head in the sand.

I’d not be happy she lied to me, but I’d be coming from the angle that she can tell you anything (even if she thinks it’s bad) and you can work through it together. She needs some freedom, but the right kind of freedom. She might then see you trust her and will open up.

In relation to the boy, Inform school with copies of the messages and speak to their safeguarding lead (and maybe the nspcc) for advice.

Another point is if you do not give her (appropriate) freedom, you’ll make her a target for either bullies or those who want to get her in trouble for a laugh.

You definitely need to give your DD some freedom and try and make yourself someone she comes to. If you went ape shit because she has a boyfriend you're pretty much guaranteeing she'll never come to you with stuff like this in the future. Unless it's a particularly dangerous journey she should be able to go into town on her own for certain periods of time. By 11 you still need to be in charge of keeping her safe but there should also be dialogue - she can explain what she's doing and who with and you can decide how to allow that to happen safely. Otherwise she'll be socially isolated. In terms of the boy obviously just tell the school and they can communicate it to his parents.

All you'll achieve by blocking contact during the time you can control is intensify the contact during the times you can't.

You need to find a constructive way to deal with this and encourage her to make her own decisions about forming healthy relationships.

You've got maybe 2-3 years tops where if you don't help her to find her way through these that she'll just do whatever she wants, and she'll be bug enough to out shout you. Kids these days know that you can't physically restrain them or lock them in the house past a certain point and will use that to their advantage. Just make sure you use the time between then and now to help her be as mature as she can by that time.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett that advice is fine if she’s a teenager but she’s an 11 year old child. Big difference.

The child is not even a teenage yet. She is 11 years old. In the panic of the moment the op locked everything down - not a terrible instinct? I also think that oft younger kids/tweens lie to stall for time while they are trying to figure something out. It is less about dishonestly or the relationship with the parent, and more about their increasing & developing ability to figure things out but also time, which passes differently for them.
Good luck to you and dh OP. Your daughter is in good hands. I would love you to come back and tell us the upshot. I have three racing to that age and try to learn by reading these boards.

I would tell the school about the messages and ask for their advice on how best to deal with it going forward if you’re not sure.

she is grounded for a month, only allowed phone whilst at school (in case of emergencies / sick etc), no more walking to or from school, homework to be done at dinner table not in her room etc

Definitely showing her who is boss which is important. Do this early and harshly enough like this and she won’t rebel against you in future.

busybarbara, I assume yours is not a serious post?

I don't think you're a terrible parent, it's so hard this stuff. I have a ds of a similar age and looking at what your dd is allowed to do in RL vs her phone then maybe allowing her to do more in RL might be age appropriate. Ds is allowed to walk to/from school (we have no train but I wouldn't be happy with 1hr train journey either). He has much less privacy on his phone, app monitoring usage, no phone in room overnight, agreement that we may check messages etc (you can get parent/kid contracts for this type of thing on-line). I'd be concerned she didn't come to me and the secrecy. I totally don't agree with being too strict, I had very strict parents and was a good kid, but all age inappropriate strictness did was make me secretive. I don't see why a boy messaging her inappropriately would mean she can't walk to school anymore? I'd be teaching her how to deal with this by setting boundaries (not ok for him to send) and showing her you're there for her by not punishing her for what he did,-,you can take the action you need to with him/,his parents too.

She is identical in age to my DD. She has been allowed to go out in town with her friends since she turned 11(Y6). She has been driven to the shopping park with friends and allowed to shop with them whilst an adult had coffee and waited since she started high school. She has been able to walk to very close by friend's houses since 9. We too live a distance from town and rural bus services are sporadic, so she is always dropped off by us. We would not dream of have a tracker on her phone.
Your parenting feels smothering even to read. And your reactions to what have happened will push her away and make her more secretive. It's no wonder she didn't tell you the truth for so long, she knew how you would react! Why on earth have you grounded her for a month?? She needs your help and support dealing with the boy. By punishing her you are victim blaming. Your poor daughter.

I've just read that you've grounded her for a month! Missed that bit! Why on earth are you grounding her for someone else's behaviour! She's been sent horrible explicit messages and you've punished her! You are sending completely the wrong message. I am actually quite appalled by your response to this.

You need to take some responsibility here too. You should have been keeping much more of a watch of her internet use. This time it's a 12 year old. Next time it could be online grooming by an adult. Have you sat down with your daughter and discussed safe use of the internet and social media. Have you discussed sex and boundaries and that she has the right to decide who sees, touches etc her own body? If not you need to gave these discussions now and quickly.

@PGtipsplease well sorry you don't like my "advice" but I think it needed to be said. I think I that is an absolutely shocking reaction which the OP doesn't seem to think is a problem. How awful for her poor daughter who is the victim here. Remember that an 11 year old has been sent explicit messages and images and then her parent shouts at her and punishes her. Awful.

Saying an 11yo could end up being raped and/or pregnant due to strict parenting is ridiculous and a horrible thing to say to a mother who is already upset. Is that not over reacting?

Ant this - is exactly why the OP left the thread when she was here asking for advice.

If the OP can’t cope with being called out for victim blaming her own pre pubescent daughter then there’s not a lot we can do about it here is there. She will have to solve her own problems and I will pray for the daughter

@bonnie1981 I was hoping for advice on what to do next, I wasn't expecting to be told my parenting is "awful" and that I sound a "nightmare".

AIBU is a discussion part of Mumsnet though so you'll get arguments and all sorts on here. If you need advice in future, pop onto the Parenting boards where it's much calmer.

strictlymomdancing
Saying those things in the way some have on this thread is horrible.

Saying, as others have, that being overbearing, flipping out etc is the sort of parenting approach that often leads to secrecy later on is reasonable. Later on the consequences of a teen feeling they can't turn to a parent if they're in trouble because of the parent's previous reactions has much higher consequences.
Eg. Child A and B are 16 and go to a party where there's alcohol. Both have a few drinks and end up a bit tipsy. At some point in the night A/B decides they've had enough. A's parents may not be impressed but they've responded proportionally in the past and have given A appropriate freedom so A calls their parent to be picked up.

B's parents spent years insisting on them only socialising out of school with peers their parents approve of and where they know the parents. B's parents expected almost every detail of their social lives to be shared and anything less was classed as lying and needed punishing. B is fed up at the party, but they had to tell their parent they were at an approved friend's house and get dropped off there because their parent polices their social life. B knows the fallout with their parent just from going to their friend's party will be filled with emotional guilt tripping and anger. As a result B decides to make their own way home alone or walk alone back to their friend's to be collected there. A lone 16 year old under the influence of alcohol is vulnerable.

Of course, the child and the parent wouldn't be to blame for the actions of someone with bad intent, but the lack of communication over the years places the child in a more risky situation.

I think you need to cut her some slack tbh, OP. She is not responsible for what this boy sent to her and you could greatly damage your relationship by punishing her for something she didn't have much control over.

I caught my 12yo brother watching porn a couple of months ago with some of his friends, I immediately took his phone away and checked his phone and was horrified by some of the things I saw, friends of his sending him porn videos, him discussing masturbation/porn with his friends, his 12yo girlfriend asking if he could touch her butt next time he saw her?? I also read a message of him from a couple of month prior asking if they could have sex (then followed by '' friend sent this, ignore, sorry!''), she said no and I was glad that he apologized for asking but was low-key mortified he thought that was okay.

I had a massive chat with him about appropriate phone use, pornography and what's an okay thing to ask/request and talk about with his 12 yo girlfriend, I also talk about the legalities of watching porn and sending each other inappropriate pictures/videos and how that could escalate into something really sinister (they didn't send each other pictures, thank god!)

I wasn't proud of him for acting this way, and was actually quite mortified but he is just a dumb 12yo who is discovering his sexuality and was born in an era where kids have phone that give them access to porn and things that wouldn't have been possible before (sexting/nudes etc...).

I also remember being 12 and the also sinister things me and my friends did (unbeknownst to our parents), I do remember people pushing the line though and not feeling confident to tell their parents and getting themselves in worse situation (revenge porn was a thing in my school in the early 2000's and I clearly remember of a girl who would be bullied into (or they tried to at least) doing sexual stuff for either money or them to stop, it was awful, she never told anyone, because she was scared her parents would react the way you did.

I wanted to blow my fuse when I saw the content of my brother's phone but I didn't because I had to remind myself what it was like being 12, I also had to remind myself that I did get assaulted as a 12yo and also didn't say a thing because I didn't want to get in trouble/my mother had never tried and create a relationship where communication was easy and guilt free.

So I held back from my knee-jerk reaction and talked to him, I forced myself to hear his side and acknowledge his point of view/feelings, I made sure he understood that I wasn't angry at him exploring relationships/his sexuality but that the way he was doing it wasn't healthy and that it could get him in trouble and that there was healthier way to explore those aspects.

I have no guarantee that this will stop him from doing it again, but I know he knows that if anything happens to him, if he thinks he did something wrong or that he is being coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do, that he can come to me and that we will work together to fix it. And that I would rather he call me and admits he has done a mistake than make more mistakes and get himself in more trouble by trying to hide things from all of us.

Attitudes like yours are why we have so many teenagers who lack respect, smoke, drink, take drugs and get pregnant! Parents aren't supposed to be "cool friends" FFS!

No, it's parents who go ape shit at absolutely everything who drive their children to rebel. I had a very damaging early adulthood because I was desperate for affection and approval, however shit the person who gave was.

OP, you are acting as though you're 18th century parents whose daughter has just destroyed her reputation and her marriageabilty. Stop making it about yourself. Yes, I am aware that you've run away from unwelcome light on your actions.

I'm sorry if I upset the OP with anything that I said. I wasn't saying that anything worse would happen, but telling her what did happen when my siblings and I were growing up; my DM used to react like the OP when she found out things, in this knee-jerk way. She thought she was so approachable as well. But the result was that we didn't tell her we were being abused and it was so devastating to her when we told her. a few years ago.

If you overreact, rather than giving time to talking things through with your DC and giving them a chance to talk to you knowing that you will listen, then they won't tell you if something worse is happening.

All of us overreact sometimes as parents, and the thing to do is talk to our DC after we've calmed down and back down if we know we went too far. We're human and if we're honest enough to admit it to them, they're more likely to feel able to talk to us.

I think you need to take a look in why she lied.

Look back at your responses to anything else she has done.

My Ds 12 doesn’t go into city similar distance alone however has been to local town with mates swimming, makes his own way to scouts but us collected, gone to local cinema with mates.

It’s all steppingstones.

She is going to get it wrong by punishing this will not make her open up.

I said I would step away from this thread but now that the month is almost up, I wanted to come back and give a wee update.

DD has had no contact at all with this boy who is blocked. He hasn't approached her at school. DD also blocked some of her new 'friends' even though I didn't ask her to do that. I asked her to make them stop swearing at her in their texts but I'm pleased she made her own decision to drop them.

We have seen a HUGE change in DDs behaviour this past month. She's less moody, less snappy, she's happier and lighter and she's engaging with us much more. This morning we were laughing, hugging and tickling. She's back to her old self

Her phone is charged every night downstairs and we check it all the time and all is good.

After two weeks, we decided she was no longer grounded due to the big change in her behaviour and also because she had a really good parents night. That was such a relief because we were worried about the impact on her school work and she was telling us very little about school other than she 'hates it'.

Also it was half term and I didn't fancy being stuck inside with a bored tween all the long weekend so I relaxed the rules for both of us .

Its been a learning experience for us all but we seem to have nipped it in the bud before it got any worse.

Thank you for all your feedback and advice on this matter.

Lovely update OP.