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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you mention kids in dating profiles?

133 replies

Shadowcats · 24/01/2020 21:22

If you are looking to date [for the first time in a decade], do you mention you have a child (a 2 year old) in your [tinder] profile?

I feel like matching is on looks and personality from a bio - baggage is a later convo.

YANBU - no mention
YABU - mention them

OP posts:

loserssaywhat · 27/01/2020 06:23

I didn't. I'd heard a lot from men who target single mums coz they think they are an easy touch and desperate!
So no. However when I met someone I liked, before we exchanged numbers I told them. I gave them the opportunity to decide if they wanted continue chatting further or if the kids was a deal breaker in moving forward.
It worked for me.

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/01/2020 06:26

Yes I did, there was a section in POF where you ticked of you had dc. I only wanted to date somebody with children of there own. Mine were teens - went on one date, marrying him on Saturday!

Juann00 · 27/01/2020 08:04

You won't find a decent relationship on tinder but then maybe you are only looking for a casual fling. Match is a better site for lasting relationships. I'm speaking of 7 years experience of lots of online dating sites .

Juann00 · 27/01/2020 08:07

Sorry forgot to mention your question. Yes you need to mention if you have kids as some men don't want to date people with children just don't introduce them until you are 100% sure they are genuine.

sashh · 27/01/2020 08:12

No.
Never.
Nada.

Imagine a paedophile wants access to a child, what better way than to start a relationship with a single mother?

ShatnersWig · 27/01/2020 08:24

Juann00 In YOUR opinion. If you'd read the full thread you'd see people who have found husbands on Tinder but had more wankers and players on Match and other dating sites.

SinkGirl · 27/01/2020 08:37

Sorry forgot to mention your question. Yes you need to mention if you have kids as some men don't want to date people with children just don't introduce them until you are 100% sure they are genuine.

My mother was married to my father and had two children with him with no idea he was capable of abusing me. Child abusers are masters of avoiding detection and biding their time. It’s not sensible to publicly advertise that you have children while looking for dates. It should of course be discussed if you want to date someone but there’s no need to make yourself a target in this way.

Poorolddaddypig · 27/01/2020 09:10

Not on tinder! The whole point of tinder is that it’s super shallow and literally based on looks alone. If you get speaking to someone then mention it. But I definitely think it would be weird on the profile.

Original poster

Shadowcats · 27/01/2020 09:51

A nearly 50/50 split. Interesting.

I do think it’s a good point that other types of ‘baggage’ wouldn’t be mentioned. I doubt Jon, who is a carer for him mum, would mention it in his profile.

But then I’m still not sure what to do. I don’t think I will be putting it in my profile, but I’ve no idea when to mention it. And what if something starts as a fling but then progresses to something more and I’ve just never mentioned having a child before?

I think I might be overthinking now.

OP posts:

RightEarlobeBreath · 27/01/2020 09:56

Bear in mind the 50/50 split will be swayed by people who are too naive to consider the risks and haven’t bothered to read the thread to see the comments alerting them to the risks. A lot of people are still very naive and unaware when it comes to internet safety. A lot of parents who a dangerous person may see as vulnerable or an easy target are completely unaware of the fact that they are vulnerable or are in denial about the fact.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/01/2020 10:18

Back when I was dating I wasn't interested in any man who had DCs under 21 so yeah, I'd want to know so I could filter them out immediately. I don't want a 'by the way' later on.

I don't think it's bad to mention you're a mum. Sounds like some here have paedo fears but that can happen offline too & you surely wouldn't be in a hurry to introduce them to your DCs anyway? If it's a casual thing, no introduction at all. Find a way around it & if you can't then don't do casual dating.

RightEarlobeBreath · 27/01/2020 10:26

“Paedo fears” about online dating are very real.

In real life, if you meet someone in a pub or at work etc you don’t have a sign on your head saying “SINGLE MOTHER WITH THREE KIDS AT HOME” or “VULNERABLE WOMAN WHO HAS A HISTORY OF ABUSE”. Online dating is like a shopping catalogue for someone who is specifically looking for a child or a vulnerable woman. So many profiles with stuff like “I’m a single mummy of three gorgeous girlies!” or “my little boy is my whole world so you have to accept he will be part of the package” or “I’m just looking for someone who will treat me right for once”. Often pictures of the children are included too.

They can literally online shop for a victim.

Aloe6 · 27/01/2020 10:34

If you aren’t going to put it in your profile, I do think you need to mention it early on. I know men who aren’t interested in dating someone who is a parent, have cancelled dates when they later found out etc. So better not to waste either parties time by keeping it quiet for too long.

3rdchristmaslucky · 27/01/2020 10:36

I've done it both ways.

If you're looking for a relationship being upfront about having kids weeds out the time wasting.

If you're just dating for fun then don't bother.

Lily193 · 27/01/2020 10:39

Yes. Absolutely no way would I consider a man who had children and I would not appreciate someone wasting my time like this.

codenameduchess · 27/01/2020 10:42

Isn't the point of tinder hook ups rather than relationships? For a casual/one off type of thing I wouldn't mention kids, or much personal.

If looking to date/have a relationship then I would keep kids off your profile as the 'peado fears' are all too real, what's more convenient for a predatory peadophile to pick off the vulnerable women with young kids? A few dates in when you know you want it to carry on is fine unless it comes to earlier naturally.

Aloe6 · 27/01/2020 10:44

Isn't the point of tinder hook ups rather than relationships? For a casual/one off type of thing I wouldn't mention kids, or much personal.

Not any more. Amongst my age group (20s) it’s just seen as another dating site now. You often see the same faces on tinder and bumble.

Eyefatigue · 27/01/2020 11:23

I mentioned I was mum to one teenager, no other details. I didn't want to meet men with young kids and reasoned that there'd be men who thought similar, so it saves some time wasting. And then take appropriate measures when you do connect to ensure the other person is perfectly normal and safe.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 27/01/2020 11:28

I appreciate some people wish to avoid potential partners with children but the risk of predatory men far outweighs any other consideration in my mind. No way I would mention children on a profile.

fligglepige · 27/01/2020 11:30

No, i would mention at the start when chatting but in a profile for fear of attracting creeps.

ShatnersWig · 27/01/2020 12:07

Thing is you get all sorts on dating apps, not just predatory men.

All my profiles have said that I've chosen not to have children and am not looking to date a parent. Because as much as I don't want my time wasted I also don't want to waste someone else's. You don't have pages to read on Tinder, so it's pretty clear.

Had a match once, her profile didn't mention children. Plenty of messages exchanged, coffee date, very nice, arranged a dinner date. Very nice. On third date she said "I do have something to tell you... I have two kids". I asked why on earth she had kept it quiet, had she somehow overlooked what I'd written on my profile? "No, but I thought once you got to know me, my having kids wouldn't matter to you after all".

I mean, really?

MRex · 27/01/2020 12:58

I agree pictures of children on dating profiles is enormously inappropriate and the clear lack of boundaries that shows is more likely to encourage anyone dodgy. Mentioning "spending time with my children" gives a gentle heads-up in a profile, but you can leave out age / sex because that isn't relevant for early days. If you don't say anything then what happens when somebody asks as one of their first questions? You can't just lie if you ever hope to have a relationship and you still haven't met them.

What's most important is understanding what healthy boundaries are really like, so new men you're dating don't get to be in the same space as your children until you've known them for at least a year and are as certain as can be that this is a happy, healthy long-term relationship. You shouldn't want to have children with somebody you barely know, so don't inflict a stranger on the children you already have.

Appy21 · 27/01/2020 13:29

looking to meet someone who is interested in me/my personality. Not whether I do or don’t have a child

It's a tricky one OP.

But I do think, whether or not someone likes your personality and you individually, having a child does make a difference to some people and whether they would date you or not so personally I'd rather they know upfront. There's nothing wrong with that, some people just do not want to be involved in a step parent sort of scenario.

Eyefatigue · 27/01/2020 13:37

I suppose having a child is an aspect of my life,

It depends what your goal is. If just casual dating then agree parenthood shouldn't matter (unless it impacts on availability in which case it would crop up) but if you're looking for a long term relationship then the child is more than an aspect of your life.

Grumpos · 27/01/2020 14:51

My partner had a photo of him with his children (not youngsters and doesn’t give any details away) -
Could have been relations / god children / Children of friends etc, didn’t directly mention in his profile but one of the first questions I asked was “who are those children?”
I think if you don’t want to actively mention on your profile you should be direct once you’re chatting to someone - A simple “To let you know I have children - sorry have not included in profile due to safety but wAnt to be open from the outset”
Some guys are going to say no thanks straight away, fair enough that’s their choice.

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