They didn't use car seat!

[jollybobs89]

Ok so DD almost 2! Grandparents looked after her at the weekend for the day asked if they needed the car seat to which they said no probably won't go out!

Anyway turns out they did go out and took DD in the car with no car seat on MIL knee to a supermarket which was probably a 13 mile round trip!

DH has gone mental said it's not acceptable at all which it isnt! Caused a massive row as they said she was 100% safe that they are upset that we think they would put her in danger?! (But they did there was no need to take her in the car one of them could have stayed home) they have said that she was probably safer on MIL knee that she would be in a car seat!!! And said thats just what they do ?! They have numerous grandkids.

AWBU? To be mad re this?? They didn't tell us they'd gone out it was till a few days later we realised from pics they sent of having her.

Just don't want everyone falling out re this! But they won't hold their hands up and apologise they just think it's acceptable

I think it's time to call it quits on the ILs. These are YOUR children and you have every right to keep them away from toxic people or at the very least, insist that there are no meetings without you present and this includes SIL. You don't have to be pleasant either. Your DH needs to be on board with this.

My parents are from “that generation” (mum in her 70s) and they went to the effort of asking me which car seat would be best and then going and buying it and ensuring one of the people in the shop helped to ensure it was fitted properly.

It’s not the generation: it’s the people.

Op I think it’s time you stopped contact with these awful people. Is your DH supportive of that?

Cut contact. It's not worth it. They all sound like the type of people to try and find something to be angry about despite how reasonable you try to be! Save yourself the heartache and just leave it be! Sorry it's turned out so horribly, YADNBU!

That's awful
When DH was a baby in 1981 my FIL (now 76) had a baby car seat fitted (tbf it was fairly specialist) as he had been in a bad accident a few years before.

Late 80s my own GF went out and bought a car seat for me as a baby as he was very pro car safety

So your DPs/ILS have no excuse to be this irresponsible. I would go APESHIT

Well DP has put things straight with his parents and told them what he expects etc and they have promised won't ever happen again!

However his SIL now she's just causing trouble again! So we are going to go NC with her especially after everything she's said to me just feel awful as once again the family has been broken and means cousins missing out on each other but I just can't have that toxic person near my children and my DP is fully in agreement

Would I be wrong to go NC with SILs children also?? Or is it unfair to involve the children? My DP parents are saying it's not fair to take it out on the kids however my DD is 2 so she won't know any difference. I feel like would be difficult to not have contact with SIL if we allowed the children to mix.

How old are the children? I'm LC with my nasty sister but her eldest is 10 and I can FaceTime her directly and speak to her younger brother that way too. I also mail all cards and gifts directly to the children. If your DNs are younger there's little you can do. You can't just take your kids to your PILs when the DNs are there to socialise without agreement from their mum.

There's 7 grandkids in total mine are 2 and 4 months.

PILs are asking for all kids to be able to mix without us being present at their house if we can't get on with SIL however allowing the kids to see each other will mean that SIL will end up being there as she's always at her parents house and I feel like she's too toxic to be around my children.

It's all just a mess wish I'd never bothered resolving the situ in the first place.

In my experience guilt over children 'missing out' keeps people in toxic relationships for far too long.
This woman is clearly going to keep dwelling on your every move and making mountains out of molehills (does she regularly bitch about you with PIL? I wonder as it does sound like she has allowed resentments to fester).
So yes it would be impractical to continue contact between SIL and DC.

@jollybobs89

There's 7 grandkids in total mine are 2 and 4 months.

PILs are asking for all kids to be able to mix without us being present at their house if we can't get on with SIL however allowing the kids to see each other will mean that SIL will end up being there as she's always at her parents house and I feel like she's too toxic to be around my children.

It's all just a mess wish I'd never bothered resolving the situ in the first place.

If we can't get on with SIL?!!! She basically rang you up & assassinated your character!

@tobedtoMNandfart I know !! His dad asked yesterday if he could take DD to her sons birthday party 'if we can't all get along' to which we said no and I think this has nothing to do with us getting along she's just awful!! I was prepared to allow a second chance!!

DP just thinks it's not fair on his mum and dad as they would normally have grandchildren at there's together etc but I know as soon as we allowed that she would go round to see them and I am really uncomfortable with her being round them without me present! Also yes she has cleared watched me for a very long time and harboured some bad feelings what makes me said as she was actually a friend well I thought she was! I would frequently invite her out with my friends etc and she came away with my friends and myself for my 30th and I think how long have you cleared hated me!!

What makes me sad*

And yes they might miss out on having a large ... TOXIC ... family!

I think they are not in danger of her turning on them until they are older, by which time they will have a relationship with her and it will hurt a fuck of a lot.

However they are quite likely to pick up on snide comments made in your absence.

Obviously your DP feels conflicted. But this situation came about by poor behaviour by his parents, followed by absence of apology. Followed by appalling behaviour by SIL, followed by absence of apology.
If they start to experience the consequences of their behaviour it still does not make it your fault.

The abusive texts 2 days after you gave birth is enough in itself for you to step away and protect you and yours.

I’ve had a very similar experience with my SIL. Both SIL and MIL refused to listen to us regarding our child, they badmouthed me terribly. I found out and gave MIL an earful. SIL stopped talking to me (a silver lining!) then called my DH to tell him what an awful person I am. Completely tore me to shreds. I was there for the phone call and was blown away by how vicious she was.

I told my DH that I would have nothing to do with her from that point on and neither would my DC. She is toxic. Why would I want someone like that near my kids?! Nope. I said to DH that I honestly didn’t care if he had a relationship with her, but I was out.

He decided that her behaviour was too toxic also and it’s been two years since I’ve interacted with her. Life is so much better! My DC don’t know their cousins but they have so many friends their own age whose parents treat us with respect. They are not missing out at all. It’s made relationships with the rest of the family awkward but hey, my mental health and that of my kids comes first!

I will never allow my PILs to be alone with my DC. They’ve made it blatantly clear they don’t respect our wishes as parents, so why would they respect our wish to have no contact with SIL and her family? MIL especially is the type to be underhanded, so definitely no chance!!

@yesyesdear your completely right! I feel like I've spent months and months feeling like shit no more I can't do it anymore!! My DD has so many friends and other cousins she won't miss out and his parents will have to come to terms with that's how it's going to be like it or lump it I'm not being a pushover or a scapegoat anymore!!

Why do people have to be so awful

Exactly, they’ll just have to accept it! It’d be great if they also accepted that some of the situation was due to them (the rest due to SIL’s shoddy behaviour), but even if they say it, they’ll never see it that way. 🤷‍♀️ Not your problem!

I was a pushover a bit with my PILs too, didn’t want to rock the boat etc, went along with most things, but they went a step too far and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore! Now, I’ll brook no bad behaviour or challenges to my parenting from them when I see them in the future.

It’s taken me awhile to get where I am, but I no longer give SIL any headspace. It’s been hard for my DH, but I’ve never told him not to have contact with his family, it’s up to him. I, however, no longer have any contact with the in laws, it’s his family so he deals with them and I deal with mine. We were going to visit PILs at Christmas (pre-Covid) and DH wanted to stay at theirs. I said the kids and I would stay at a hotel but he could stay with his family and we’d visit during the day. Went down like a lead balloon with him.

I hope your DH stands by you, it did cause us some troubles but we’re in a great place now.

Wow, she sounds like someone horribly toxic. I think its lundy bancroft who talks about the 'garden of resentment" where people plant the seed of any perceived mistermeanor to then use against you. Horrible woman. Definitely go NC. If cousins mixing was that important to everyone SIL would have sucked it up and given you a genuine apology rather than a catalogue of perceived slights.

@tobedtoMNandfart

In my experience guilt over children 'missing out' keeps people in toxic relationships for far too long. This woman is clearly going to keep dwelling on your every move and making mountains out of molehills (does she regularly bitch about you with PIL? I wonder as it does sound like she has allowed resentments to fester). So yes it would be impractical to continue contact between SIL and DC.

This. SIL is vile and her parents are condoning it by trying force you to do her bidding, or worse, being sneaky. And then they top it off by implying you are partly to blame for ‘not all getting along’.

It might be different if you had considerably older children who already knew their cousins well. But they are tiny and the idea that it’s ‘not fair’ on them is silly.

I hope your DH supports cutting ties. If you want to see ILs they could visit you?

Your SIL sounds vile. She is likely to mouth off about you in front of her kids which would impact on the relationship your kids have with them. Cut your losses! Encourage your kids to build strong childhood friendships with other kids - they really won't be missing much.

It's not worth putting up with nasty back biting behaviour to pretend that you are happy families.

I think it is an awareness thing. I was born in 1961 and my parents had a van. My uncle was an engineer and could make anything. He made a seat for me which fitted between the 2 front seats and effectively partly fitted over the handbrake. They thought nothing of it, makes me shudder to think about it now but with my son they didn’t think twice about using the car seat or booster seat. They did that automatically and would never have not used them. Of course you could say their grandson was more precious to them !! but I prefer to think it’s because things change and improve and safety is a classic example of this

I don’t understand the set up tbh.
How could your children see SIL children without you? You wouldn’t drop them on her doorstep? Are you talking about Christmas etc? Surely you’d have the children with you and choose who you invite? Perhaps I’m missing something? I would have thought going NC with SIL should be reasonably easy as you don’t like each other!!!
FWIW I think you and your DH have been spot on with the car seat fiasco and SIL sounds like a nasty piece of work and it makes sense to go NC.
Perhaps you’re thinking of big birthdays for the Gp? I guess if there was a big family do they couldn’t choose between grandchildren and in those circs if suck it up but surely that would be once every few years? Think I must be missing something 🧐🧐🧐

@coldwarenigma

I'm on the flip side of this situation. My DC had seats in the late 80s, religiously used. My DC were brought up expecting to use seats. My DS1 has 3 DC with ex. She regularly drives without the seats I bought in so that she can take the kids and their cousins. DC1 had kicked off but was told if he interferes/ reports them she will stop access. She would! So if he reports he will lose contact with kids and she will still drive around like it..

This is ridiculous. He reports her, the police have a word. Do you really think she gets to keep her kids if she risks their lives. Time for your son to grow a pair and put his kids first. He can't see dead kids either..