They didn't use car seat!

[jollybobs89]

Ok so DD almost 2! Grandparents looked after her at the weekend for the day asked if they needed the car seat to which they said no probably won't go out!

Anyway turns out they did go out and took DD in the car with no car seat on MIL knee to a supermarket which was probably a 13 mile round trip!

DH has gone mental said it's not acceptable at all which it isnt! Caused a massive row as they said she was 100% safe that they are upset that we think they would put her in danger?! (But they did there was no need to take her in the car one of them could have stayed home) they have said that she was probably safer on MIL knee that she would be in a car seat!!! And said thats just what they do ?! They have numerous grandkids.

AWBU? To be mad re this?? They didn't tell us they'd gone out it was till a few days later we realised from pics they sent of having her.

Just don't want everyone falling out re this! But they won't hold their hands up and apologise they just think it's acceptable

It is as easy as that. It's exactly as easy as that. Remember they've put your bairns lives at risk and you don't want to upset them. They're trying to divide and conquer.

You are in control. You have your nuclear family. They need you more than you them.

@jollybobs89 And yet he lives?

I'm also nearly 50, and I don't remember ever having been without a car seat or booster. Likely because I had to use one for a long time - I'm very petite! It got kind of embarrassing, actually (in California at the time).

@UncleShady I'm confused lol what do you mean x

Has your partner asked his parents to apologise to you? If not, that's what he needs to do.

The fact that they apologised to him is a good sign. We had a sort of similar situation with DH's parents and they have never apologised to him about anything, sadly. But you are right to be wary of them wanting to make up with him while still ignoring and excluding you. That's not on.

I really recommend the books "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward.

@ArnoJambonsBike what do you mean by divide and conquer? X

@AnotherEmma my partner said he was going to tell his mum she needed to apologise but then I just think what's the point in telling her? As then she's just doing it for the sake of it.

I’m 43 and remember trying to undo my car seat straps at around 2.

You’ve found out who your friends are though!.

@jollybobs89 he needs to back off until they apologise to you.

This will all blow up again

Why did your partner change his tune?

@LovePoppy he didn't change his tune he went to meet to see if it could all be resolved and they cleared the air etc. We then thought that she would have apologised to me and cleared the air but we thought wrong.

DP has said he will tell them to just forget it if I want if they aren't willing to apologise but I just feel like it's being petty if we do that.

At the end of the day it’s his family, he knows how things work and the dynamics.

Honestly I’ve saved myself loads of batshittery by staying out of things even when dh asks my opinion.

I class everything as a private family matter now.

we used first style car seats in late 70s/early 80's - initially you put dc in carrycot & used reins inside cot with cover & used special straps that had to be fixed inby garage - than we had seats much the same as today but again you had to garage to fix them in
They were being stupid - my dm who bless her if she was alive today would be in 3 figures! understood & used them - but a lot of people than were a lot more casual than us - dumb!!!! & selfish

Well you're a united front, arent you? So by her only speaking to him, she can drop little poison into his ears - "you know it's ok really, it's just Jollybobs being silly".

Once she's got him more on side, then your relationship is weakened and the boundaries can be bent. If she has access to the kids, then she can do the same to them as they're growing up. They've proven untrustworthy guardians of the children, why let them get further in.

Do not let your kids near them.

I do worry you’ve been too nice here and are possibly a bit of a people pleaser. They have shown you no respect and have been complete drama llamas over something they did that was wrong.

"Just don't want everyone falling out re this!"
Why not?
Imagine the worst case scenario, you would do more than fall out.

@Savingshoes well at the time I'd just thought that they'd made a mistake and a very poor judgement call and would have thought they'd have just apologised x

@Cremebrule yeah your probably right there 😞 I don't like confrontation either need to grow a pair

@jollybobs89, protecting your children and your family is never petty. Ever

Don’t let her cause dissent.

@ArnoJambonsBike never thought of it like that but yeah that's probably what would happen!!

"my partner said he was going to tell his mum she needed to apologise but then I just think what's the point in telling her? As then she's just doing it for the sake of it."

Sorry but that's a bit ridiculous. If he asks her to apologise it shows her that he is only willing to engage if they show respect to you, too, and not just him. If she apologises because he's asked her to, she's still apologised.

It would be a damn sight more than we've ever got from DH's parents!

Cutting them off completely is a huge step and you need to think very carefully about it. Actually it has to be your partner's decision not yours. And if he chooses you over them that's great but it also comes with a lot of complex emotions.

My DH chose me and even though I know none of it was my fault I still feel guilty sometimes. If his parents had been willing to make amends I would have given them another chance. Of course it might not have worked out. And everyone has their own boundaries and deal breakers.

(PS DH's parents did a lot worse to mean than your partner's have done to you, FWIW.)

@AnotherEmma I don't want him to choose and I don't want him to cut them off completely as like you said I'd still feel guilty about it even though I'd done nothing wrong.

They want to meet at some point as they haven't seen our new son who is now two months old so there was a suggestion of a outdoor meet once the weather is nice so I was thinking maybe I'll get a face to face apology and to just wait and see what the reception is like when I see them?

Imo they will pretend it never happened. Your dh resuming his relationship with them will allow them to think its all done and dusted.

They're not mind readers, you can't wait and see if they apologise - they won't. If you want them to apologise, you or DP have to ask them to. Or at least tell them that their behaviour upset you - which should prompt an apology in a reasonable person who genuinely wants to smooth things over. It remains to be seen whether they are!

@AnotherEmma this is what I have done. So she bought DC some clothes and I messaged to say thanks for the clothes, to which she replied and said no problem and that she was glad things were getting sorted. So I replied and i said that i was upset that I got the blame for it all and she hasn't replied this was over a week ago. Yet she has messaged DP quite a few times this week just normal chit chat!