They didn't use car seat!

[jollybobs89]

Ok so DD almost 2! Grandparents looked after her at the weekend for the day asked if they needed the car seat to which they said no probably won't go out!

Anyway turns out they did go out and took DD in the car with no car seat on MIL knee to a supermarket which was probably a 13 mile round trip!

DH has gone mental said it's not acceptable at all which it isnt! Caused a massive row as they said she was 100% safe that they are upset that we think they would put her in danger?! (But they did there was no need to take her in the car one of them could have stayed home) they have said that she was probably safer on MIL knee that she would be in a car seat!!! And said thats just what they do ?! They have numerous grandkids.

AWBU? To be mad re this?? They didn't tell us they'd gone out it was till a few days later we realised from pics they sent of having her.

Just don't want everyone falling out re this! But they won't hold their hands up and apologise they just think it's acceptable

More developments and thoughts appreciated!! So at the time DP fell out with parents his sister got involved 'sticking up' for his mum and dad she was messaging DP at the time calling him a c u next Tuesday etc etc. She even messaged me a few days after I'd given birth and sent some very nasty messages because DP still hadn't resolved things with his parents.

Anyway since then DP is now on talking terms with his parents etc but not his sister as she choose to get involved said some horrendous things to me which I can't forgive her. Anyway she's contact DP today to ask if she can see DD as she's going to other sisters tomorrow for the day to play with her cousins to which my partner has said no as she's not apologised for how she acted/spoke to me and the things she's said and he's said she can't expect to say everything she has and then us just be like let's forget all that and see the kids etc.

She's not happy about it obviously as she's not got her own way his mum basically saying it's not right and she won't tell her daughter not to come round if they ever have our daughter round! I just feel like now we're being backed into a corner again to let her see the kids!! I just feel like she's extremely toxic and to not want to resolve things with DP and myself but expect to see the kids so her children can play with our children is ridiculous it's just no relationship and I can't see how it would work!

AWBU? I just feel like why should she be able to go round to her mums and sisters when we aren't there and see our children and act like she's done nothing wrong! I don't even want her near our children to be honest!

Some of the messages she sent after I'd given birth (2 days after) that I was controlling, that I was a money grabber (not sure why as I've always worked and not as if my partner is loaded) that I've ruined her family (please bare in mind that this is all still because of the car seat) oh and she called me an average joe

You're definitely not being unreasonable! Your SIL is an idiot and you're right to stand your ground. They all sound really toxic.

YNBU but your MIL is clearly telling you that she isn't trustworthy and couldn't give a flying fuck what you think. She didn't use a car seat, isn't bothered about her daughter sending horrible messages (because clearly its your job to get over this not for her daughter to apologise) and now is saying she would overrule you if contact with DD. I'm afraid its achingly simple; you can never leave DD unsupervised with her. Ever. Its one of those 'when people show you who they are. Believe them' moments. She'll clearly be inviting SIL around to play happily families with your DD the moment you leave her there.

@blackcat86 yeah I feel like this is why SIL is the way she is constantly getting away with her behaviour! I do believe that too when people show you who they are. SIL has basically said to my partner that she would still let him see the kids if the situation was the other way round with is utter rubbish in my eyes!! She's been crying etc to her parents about it all and I just feel like it's just her trying to get her way!

I am standing firm on this because I just think I let slide how his parents treated me and I'm not prepared to do it with her. I actually thought she was a good friend etc prior to this happening I'd invite her out with my friends etc on numerous occasions how wrong was I!

Wow, sad to read this update. Well done to your DH for standing up to his DS & defending you.

Personally I would never leave the DC with your in-laws as they have proven themselves unsafe over the car seat decisions & refuses to learn from that. I could not forgive this so SIL would have no access to the DC as I would not let her visit you all and she could not visit via the parents either

Lots have gone on and pil are unreasonable. However if you chose to leave your dd with mil then you cant dictate who can visit mil house while your daughter is there.

@Waveysnail I understand that however I don't think it's fair for them to just invite them round when we aren't there and I don't think it's right

You can't leave DD with the ILs. They can't be trusted to keep your DD safe, or away from people you don't want to see her.

There is no compromise that can be made here. Your MIL still doesn't respect you, and has openly told you that she will allow SIL round while your DD is there.

@Motoko

You can't leave DD with the ILs. They can't be trusted to keep your DD safe, or away from people you don't want to see her.

There is no compromise that can be made here. Your MIL still doesn't respect you, and has openly told you that she will allow SIL round while your DD is there.

Unfortunately this. They haven’t backtracked from their stance at all, you are making all the compromises, and they will keep pushing. It’s no coincidence that you got on well with them when they were doing what they liked. As soon as you have boundaries they fall out with you.

No unsupervised contact again, and I’m glad DP has your back.

I completely agree with @OnceUponAMidnightBeery. You're making all the compromises and they really are not. I wouldn't be letting DD there and I'd be telling SIL to bog off.

DPs mum rang him last night and said that we are taking it out on the kids and it's not fair.
They have a lot of young children in the family so they want them to all be able to spend time together and if we don't speak to his sister obviously means that her children and our children won't spend time together, which doesn't bother me as my daughter has lots of friends and other family.

I just feel like MIL is trying to back me into a corner now by saying it's not fair on the kids etc and making me feel bad!

@Bluewavescrashing

I'd be fuming. She's not 100% safe on a lap.

I know it's a different generation but I would be putting the car seat in their car myself next time or not trusting them to look after the child.

it can't be that much of a different generation! I am from the US, and recall one being required for my youngest brother, and he is 40! The UK couldn't have been more than a decade behind, could they?

@jollybobs89: what did your DH say?

It's very simple, really. She needs to apologise and then it'll be ok. That's all you want

@Jokie he just said that it was quite simple as if the shoe was on the other foot and I had acted like her his parents wouldn't have been happy and he said she either needs to apologise or we don't want anything to do with her.

Good job to your DH. What an absolutely perfect result and answer. What did they say to that?

I wouldn’t particularly want my kids going into a supermarket at the moment either really.

But... legally she can sit on your lap on a bus with no seatbelt... my dad often takes my kids on bus rides (well pre covid). Hadn’t crossed my mind about lack of seatbelt on a bus until I was thinking about your thread.

@Jokie not a lot really! They will probably relay it to his sister but I can't see her forthcoming to contact me and also his parents won't say to her that she's been in the wrong.

Tbh regardless of your SIL who sounds like a nasty piece of work I wouldn't be letting your ILs see your daughter alone ever.
If you want them to see your daughter (not sure I would) then you and your husband have to be with her. They can't be trusted with her safety and don't listen when you say don't want certain people round her.
I'm glad your husband has stuck up for you and his sister should realise she has no right to see your daughter anyway but certainly not after the way she behaved.

AWBU? I just feel like why should she be able to go round to her mums and sisters when we aren't there and see our children and act like she's done nothing wrong! I don't even want her near our children to be honest!

The simple solution is never to leave your children alone with their grandparents. I know I wouldn't. It's not a necessity to at all. They put your child at risk. Seriously so. They never properly apologised and even said "let's all move forward" which we all know translates to, "I don't think I did wrong, I'm not sorry but you need to shut up about it and forget about it"

DO NOT GIVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENDANGER YOUR CHILDREN AGAIN.

My ILs don't use car seats and tried to take my kids many a time without them but I trained my kids from early on to kick off royally if they weren't in securely. My ILs stood around mocking me as I fixed the seats into their car when they were taking the kids somewhere. It was done in a "funny" way so me getting mad about it would have made me look like a oversensitive troublemaker.

@HouchinBawbags your exactly right and tbh I'm not being a mug again.

I also feel like they seem to forget about me it's like I'm invisible and trying to get round it by going to my DP.

We grew up without car seats just fine. I wouldn't be/didn't make a big deal. Learnt my lesson and ALWAYS left car seat with my parents and told them to use it or no grandkid*. No emotion, factual statement.
In my opinion making a fuss about past events and wanting an apology is just that: wanting an apology to make you feel that you are right. It's not about them or your kid, it's about you. And thus useless.
In this case: you are right. They should have used it. Did any harm happen? no. Then get past it and prevent this happening next time.
Were you wrong to throw a tantrum - no, I did as well, but it lasted a few mins, blew off steam and walk past it.

*My mum laughed and asked how would I know. And I simply said my don would tell me if asked. Which he did when I followed up.
We had a few of these type of arguments with my parents. Eating a whole box of Algida ice cream in one go (500g) when DS was about 4. Or giving him sparkly sweet stuff at 2. We still have these, even though my son is 14.

@TheSunIsStillShining I have done that with his parents and prepared to move forward and have moved forward. I just can't forgive his sister for the way she acted during and the hate she threw my way.
However part of me just thinks I should just forgive and forget however she is not even asking me to forgive her so I think she should just leave us alone.

So further developments if anyone cares but need to vent! So DSIL rang DP yesterday and cleared the air with him a bit and said was going to contact me to clear the air also!

Anyway she rang me trying to justify what she had done and basically saying she wasn't apologising for what she said, but she shouldn't have messaged me 2 days after giving birth as that's not who she is or what she does?! But she said that she needs to tell me so she's not fake that I think I'm better than everyone else that's how I come across, that I've changed since I met her brother (she didn't know me before we met) she basically just kept saying I'm going to tell you what I think so I'm not fake like she had a list! Said at Christmas I was disrespectful to her parents as I didn't let DD open all her presents (she had a lot of presents so I said let's save some so she doesn't get overwhelmed) honestly I am in shock!! There was a time 8 months ago I went round and she said I was uninterested in what she had to say?! Like giving all these petty examples of what I've supposedly have done! Constantly just saying that I think I'm better than everyone!

I'm really annoyed as she caught me completely off guard and I didn't even get chance to tell her that I think she's an absolute bully!! I'm so mad with myself and spent most of the night wide awake wondering how people can be so horrible! I was really hoping that this would be on the road to fixing it!!

OP : she sounds like she's had this on her mind for a while. Did your DH hear what she had to say? I'd be totes to call her back saying: I didn't hear an apology in there and go NC from now on