Working with a woman who weirdly lies ALL the time

[Ballstothisdotcom]

I’ve worked with her for about two years and started noticing it more and more.

For example: she’ll have a call at work. I will obviously hear one side of it as we sit next to each other.

She will then repeat the contents of the call if she is asked (if it’s relevant etc) but completely makes up her side of the conversation. And as it’s none of my business I’ll sit there and think ‘erm that didn’t actually happen’.

But she has now started doing it with me. So for example recently I’ve been at home as I put my back out and she said to my colleague in front of me ‘oh poor balls was so bored she kept phoning me to keep her company’

No I didn’t!

She has met my children and made up conversations to others that she has supposedly had with them.

If I say ‘well no you didn’t actually I’m going to look like a right prick aren’t I?’ It’s bizarre and a complete non problem.

Oh should have added the reason I cut her off was I called her out on a lie she told about my DP. Instantly she went nuclear (and how dare I stress out a woman who is pregnant with twins). She dragged up my regifting of a gift two years ago and got all ‘I’ve chosen not to address this until now’ like there was any kind of parity in the situations...

I accept regifting is a little gauche but she had suggested DP had a secret list ranking all my friends in order of attractiveness? Her main issue being she was apparently at the bottom of the list?!

My ex was like this. I used to just think he had a tendency to exaggerate, but I caught him out on some whoppers. He was a chef, no - he was a kitchen porter. His parents wouldn’t allow him to go to Uni despite his all A grades, his two sisters both got degrees. I actually called him Walter Mitty during a row once, he went utterly ballistic - I guess I got too close to the truth.

After we finished, I found him on an online forum (he used the same nickname for everything online) and he was talking about his travels in the Far East. He has only every left the country once, on holiday to France, but I travelled extensively in China and Hong Kong. It was like he was stealing my life!

I had a very close friend like this, friends all through school and as adults. Always totally baffled me but I was always to shocked to say actually no that didn't happen, and grew used to it's just how she was it's not harming anyone. And then we had a minor fall out and she went into my children's school making lies about me, how I'm petrifying her and her children, phoning the police on me, the list goes on. Stay well away.

My sister is not a confabulist like the girl I work with but it dawned on me about 5 years ago that she is a liar (amongst many other toxic behaviours) and that one of her best friends eventually realised and cut her off dead because of it.

She had known the friend at uni and I realised she had told her and others wildly exaggerated tales about succeeding despite a Dickens childhood, which the friend eventually saw through after finally visiting our family home after decades.

I struggle so much with her I'd love nothing more than to have a frank conversation with that friend, but I don't know her well enough.

My landlady does this, she'll say 'so and said x, y and z' and if you ask so and so, they didn't

It's manipulative

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I learnt over time particularly last year having back up emails to what you said doesn't always work.

If you are lucky they will claim you said something in an email you didn't then forward the actual email to a third party e.g. manager claiming that the email you wrote proves their claim. The third-party if they bother to they read the emails will realise that they are batshit.

If they are really toxic they will fake emails or edit the ones you have sent to them to prove their claim, and forward them to the third-party.

My dd's ex husband does this. He will never admit to his lies even when confronted or caught out. He said he had bought his step son an expensive phone, but then told my dd's friend it had vanished from his flat. Or as dd put it, he has pawned it if it ever even existed.

We still see him and he came to another family member's wedding. He told me all about the suit he had bought, a blue one to match everyone's, but then told me the kids had torn it and he had to buy another cheapy from Asda. I think he borrowed it. None of this really matters, and we would have more respect for him if he was straight up.

He also recently told me his boss had been caught up to no good at a local beauty spot with a female colleague. Its just that I know this place and there are houses all round it. I did ask him why on earth his boss would pick this particular spot if he did not want to get caught (perhaps he was dogging). He could offer no explanation.

I find it really irritating and cannot understand why he does it. I now doubt most things he tells me. He also has "mates" who turn up out of the blue and assist him and give him advice. He has not spoken to them in years. Bizarre.

@messolini9

Absolutely right.

Someone who chooses to deal in misinformation is always dangerous.

You never know when it will cause you problems.

I've never had it with anyone close to me but I knew of a colleague who was prone to this in another department and she did slowly start dropping people in it and causing grief.

Certainly I wouldn't trust anyone like this under any circumstances.

OP, calmly making a 🤔face and saying "really, that didn't happen" is the way to go.

My DM does this. It's usually an extreme and attention-seeking exaggeration of the truth. e.g. I once asked her for hot milk before bed and she told her friends I always demand hot milk before bed. Silly and harmless example. Or "everyone was rolling around the floor laughing" when in fact one person had a slight half smile. "You were absolutely furious with me..." when in fact I never would have dared be furious with her.

A couple of people on the thread have called for a psychologist's opinion. Well I am one. Actually this phenomenon is not thought about much in the field psychology, at least not much in any of the training I have done. Which is a shame because it is fascinating. I would suggest that we can all exaggerate things a certain amount at times to make a story funnier or to make ourselves look a little better. So these people who are doing it more are at more of an extreme end of a normal behaviour. I guess that it is more likely to be seen in people with a cluster B personality disorder, or with traits of those PDs. The cluster Bs are narcissistic, histrionic, anti-social and borderline.

The lying would have a different purpose for each. The narcissist would lie to make themselves look better than others, whereas the histrionic would want to draw attention to themselves, the anti-social might be wanting to gain advantage over others, the borderline personality would be wanting others to react to them, be there for them, avoid abandonment possibly.

Although I am not sure, I think confabulation might be a different thing, because it is caused by a neurological condition; some sort of organic degeneration or injury, not caused by a personality trait.

I think it's often a sign of someone with a personality disorder

Agree. Avoid. Don’t confront. Try and move desk for some reason.

attention-seeking exaggeration of the truth.

OP isnt just describing exaggerations of the truth though. They are complete lies potentially aimed at damaging a person or their reputation.

I was describing the thing my mum usually does, not referring to the OP

I had to completely break off contact over twenty years ago with someone who did this. She was my neighbour and sort of friend when I became pregnant with my youngest son. She was divorced and childless at the time. Within a couple of months she was also pregnant and the background story changed almost daily eg night stand/ ex husband/ old friend / assault by a colleague etc.
We were quite friendly when the children were very young but I gradually realised her continual lies/ fabrications were beginning to be noticed by both hers and my children. Also she was telling other mutual friends and colleagues random lies about me so it had to be a complete break.
She was able to tell a story to me in front of her child and change the details within a couple of sentences.
I just hope she was honest in her line of work. Medical screening.

In my experience with someone like this, they can be very dangerous. Their lies can ruin lives and split families apart (hey to DPs cousin if you're reading this)

dated someone like this.. I called him out on it and then left coz dont know whether what he ever said was true!

I worked with a bloke like this, I have a low tolerance and eventually just called him out on it, he just avoided me after that, result!

@fi totally agree with you. Good plan

When my mother was alive she used to do this, it's habitual lying usually caused by some sort of personality disorder, such as multiple personality disorder and suchlike. They actually believe these things have happened and you cannot call them out on it or reason with them, even backed into a corner and faced with the truth they will continue to lie. It's not worth getting yourself upset by it, it's a mental health problem.

@Ballstothisdotcom. Have u tried doing the same. Turn the tables. Chat shit about her in front of her. If she says anything then u pull something up. Play her at her own game. Could be fun

Urgh! I also work with someone like this.

She tells silly lies which she is easily caught out on and to make it worse she's friends with someone I went to school with who was a manipulative drama Queen so I keep my distance where possible.

Her behaviour is fractionally better recently but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her and that won't be changing anytime soon.

Try and keep your distance where possible.

@HighlyUnlikely
I actually called him Walter Mitty during a row once, he went utterly ballistic - I guess I got too close to the truth.

Damn, yes.
I once called my ex "Walter Gitty".

Feeling your pain!

@Freezingold, that your DH did not mention this alleged event (& his daughter’s upset) at the time speaks of a dysfunctional dynamic in the family (before your time) in the first place. Why would someone not mention this? Expect you know the answer but what a red flag!

For example one time she called at the house and even though DH was out, I invited her in but she declined. DH told me she’d said that I’d closed the door in her face and left her crying in the doorway as I told her that “I just wanted to be with my ‘own’ children!”

I worked with a manager like that, when I was new there, she had a photo on her desk, and said it was her husband, he was so good looking, it was only much later I found out from other work colleagues that it was the singer of a group from the eighties called AhHa, we all looked him up on YouTube and he is married to a beauty but not our manager, but non of us would pull her up on it, we were all to afraid. She used to go on and on how they met how he proposed.

@MajesticWhine thank you for your fascinating & valuable post at Fri 24-Jan-20 16:25:45.

It's oddly reassuring to know that a Psych. confirms my laywoman's interpretation of the hows & whys of confabulation, outright lies, & manipulation ... your point re: Cluster B's confirms my own stumbling attempts at understanding.
(Borderline mother btw ... so either run fast from me now, or get your invoicing head on ;) )