Working with a woman who weirdly lies ALL the time

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I’ve worked with her for about two years and started noticing it more and more.

For example: she’ll have a call at work. I will obviously hear one side of it as we sit next to each other.

She will then repeat the contents of the call if she is asked (if it’s relevant etc) but completely makes up her side of the conversation. And as it’s none of my business I’ll sit there and think ‘erm that didn’t actually happen’.

But she has now started doing it with me. So for example recently I’ve been at home as I put my back out and she said to my colleague in front of me ‘oh poor balls was so bored she kept phoning me to keep her company’

No I didn’t!

She has met my children and made up conversations to others that she has supposedly had with them.

If I say ‘well no you didn’t actually I’m going to look like a right prick aren’t I?’ It’s bizarre and a complete non problem.

My late mum used to say that if your going to embellish the truth you need to have a great memory!
It's true though as your lies will find you out.
Also I think some people like to just say things to put themselves in a good light or look important. Or makes things sound better than they were in order to impress other people.

@Areyoufree - my liar "friend" also lied about health issues, she had had cancer, meningitus etc - all untrue. She was seriously toxic in the end and once I really cottoned on to what she was capable I found it terrifying. She was seriously scary sometimes.. (and i've heard she still is..).

@The80sweregreat they don't impress people as the older people get the less they tend to care about such things.

I think it is an attempt to impress, but it's capacity for working has a very short shelf life. I'm not sure about the low self esteem reason either - the person I know who lies to look good/better than everyone else, also gives framed photos of herself for Christmas and birthday gifts and is definitely not lacking in confidence.

I think a person who behaves like that is incredibly self-absorbed AuntyBadger. It’s a skewed feeling of always needing to feel the regard of others for validation, but not really knowing how to get it. Why would a confident well-adjusted person need so much attention?

People habitually lying, especially if it is to manipulate or trash other people is very scary.

My DSD lying could have cost me my marriage.

My lying colleague could have cost the trust of my work colleagues.

Both times no one but me saw the lies, sometimes this is worse as other people then believe them. Maybe this is more like narcissism, where someone depends on a group of people who defend and support them, so they only lie in a very targeted way to the person they’ve discarded or want to trash.

Maybe these people are more dangerous than the indiscriminate liar who everyone knows is not to be trusted.

I went out with a pathological liar once, for about 6 months. It was a nightmare because you never knew what was true and what wasn't.
I once heard him on the phone to someone, and I could hear what the other person was saying too; then once he'd finished he said "they said we have to go now as they're closing at 12" when I'd CLEARLY heard them say "closing at 4".

So much shit came out of that man's mouth - but eventually I caught him out cheating so that was the end of him.

And now I know someone else - a mum at school whom I have dealings with - who lies rather than tell the truth at any given opportunity. She's another one who doesn't realise that the rest of us actually talk to each other - so she'll say "X said this" or "but I told Thumb I wasn't going to be able to do y", not understanding that X and I talk regularly and are quite capable of working out that she's lying!

Just bizarre - but also dangerous because if she starts talking to 3rd parties then it could quite quickly cause bother for the rest of us, spreading rumours and so on.

So even if this woman is your manager, you need to be VERY careful in your dealings with her - do everything via email if possible so that you have back up - always have a 3rd person in any meeting with her, that kind of thing. Good luck - it doesn't really matter where the reason for the lying comes from, you still have to deal with it and it can be terrifying!

I can't be doing with it. I tell the boys that lying is the worst thing they can do and will get them into far more trouble than if they tell the truth about whatever it is they've done. DS2 hasn't grasped that yet, which is causing me some major problems already and he's only 7.

Wondering how many of these posts are about the same people, several sound exactly like the girl I knew 🤔

For the overheard phone calls, you could go with "I am sure that's what you were saying in you head, but that's not actually what you said out loud, thank goodness!

Does anybody else notice these traits in their confabulators?

1. retells conversations (or makes them up completely) where people have been unfeasibly vicious to them, but they put them firmly in their place, usually by saying something really cutting/pithy, and by delivering a threatening glare (this is usually acted out).

2. But actually, wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life - in fact, everybody thinks that they are lovely. Also, a creature of habit and never goes anywhere new because actually, they lack confidence.

3. But behind closed doors, this person is actually explosively tempestuous, vicious, scathing and unable to contain their daily rages?

Asking for a friend . Seriously, if any psychologists are reading this though, I'd love your thoughts on the above traits (which belong to my mother)

Person at school who confabulated ridiculous stories of inheritances, ex-boss in a tiny business so we could easily check, another colleague whose tragic stories just didn't ring true (so no proof) but worst is the husband of an old (but no longer present) friend who has lost his job over it.

He lies maliciously against colleagues, and in a more confabulatory way about utter rubbish. I had him pegged years ago as delusional but I'm not a psychiatrist. It's actually harder to take in or pin down the unimportant lies - people accept quite readily that bosses can be malicious, but not so much that unimportant details are confabulated. When you put it all together it looks more like a long-standing mental illness but neither he nor his wife would hear of that, it's all a vendetta as far as they are concerned.

When I was faced with his small lies I didn't challenge him, it's not easy, is it? It doesn't seem to matter that much. But as others say it is probably wisest to gently challenge and to watch your backs.

I have a friend who does this. It's very bizarre. The lies are so unnecessary and odd. It's got to the point she will tell me things and conversations she has supposedly had with other people and I just don't listen because I know it won't be true. She's a lovely friend and mostly doesnt tell nasty lies but I do wonder why she does it. I do sometimes think she genuinely believes what she is saying is true.

My boss does similar.

For them I think it’s that they can’t stand to be wrong, so if they think they’ve said or done something they’ll stick to it as if it’s the gospel truth.

The most annoying part though is that nobody else can ever misunderstand something or make a mistake. To them if you get it wrong, you’re lying.

@IamPickleRick Me too! Some of the things that have happened in my life are so crappy that I think I sound like I am making them up 😣 As a result I do sometimes gloss over the worst bits with white lies, which I worry people will pick up

I have a colleague like this, only the lies make others look bad (usually in an attempt to cover up for herself, which is very weird as we really don't have a blame culture). So and so didn't turn up (because I never told them about the meeting), as per my previous email *(which can never, ever be found, and she will never forward) etc. All very subtle, and anybody caling her on it would feel and look petty or like they were lying.

I did actually call her out on something just before xmas. She made up a different lie to cover it

It's absolutely possible to respond to her lies without sounding like a bitch, and you need to do it. She WILL tone it down if she knows you're not stupid.

A few people have given good examples of replies when she says something blatantly untrue, so go for it. And good luck!

@NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat sounds really difficult.
Look up EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). And come to the Stately Homes thread if you’re looking for support.

Are you close enough to to your boss to confide in them.
It might be worth them knowing this happens, just in case one of her lies gets you in trouble.

Nextdoorneighbourisatwat is the compulsive liar in your life your next door neighbour or is it just an amusing user name? (I could do with a similar one).

Mine is and she scares me so much I’m selling my house and moving! I believe she most like has narcissistic personality disorder so challenging her on her lies is futile. I’m trying to be as non contact with her as I can until I move.

Thanks Hero

I'll pop over to Stately Homes - the older I get, the more I realise the damage that her behaviour has caused to me with her lying. Its not just the small lies (misrepresenting conversations) or the big lies (cancer, etc) but the fact that she never listens to me and actively tells other people lies about me (I have anorexia, I do a different job to what I actually do, I'm having an affair). She lied to my stepdad in front of me when I was teenager and screamed that I'd hit her, but I was the other side of the room. He grabbed me and pushed me backwards against the sofa to protect her - I could see her enjoying every moment.

Honestly, these people are toxic as! Terrifying that there are so many, judging by this thread!

BlueTongue, no not my next door neighbour I actually can't remember what they did that pissed me off so much now! Must've been some trivial infringement

My liar is my mother. She's never genuine - she acts always as though she's in a soap, getting the big dramatic close up . Honestly, it's pathetic.

I worked with a woman like this once.

The craziest lie she told was that she hadn’t come into work because she had been hit by a car. Totally untrue!

@NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat read your checklist with interest. Mostly a yes to them all. It's my mother as well, and she embellishes stories from the past adding bits or removing them to make it all more exciting and (frankly) unbelievable. I know it's bollox because i was THERE at the time, but that doesn't stop her! Usually it's to cast herself further into the dynamic role of the story; being right, or intuitive or amazing.

She embellishes phone conversations.

She embellishes even things like what the weather has been like! ''Oh we had a STORM here!'' No there wasn't. I was in the neighborhood without her knowledge that day and it wasn't even windy!

Now she's old she's lost the ability to gauge when it's going to be risky to lie and so the extent of it has broadened to stupid levels. I know she's been doing it for years though.

She'll encourage me to lie - ''on don't tell [your husband] about x or y just say bla bla instead'' and i'll be like ''NO mum! I'll tell him the bloody truth!''

She's lied about things the kids have said or asked in the past when they were little because SHE wanted to know the answer but would have seemed nosy. She lied about one of my DDS 'begging' to have her hair once. Because SHE wanted to cut it at her house

She lies about things other relatives have said. Auntie thingy is SOOOOOO disappointed that you weren't there last week she waited ALL afternoon for you. . I then find out through the grape vine that auntie thingy was only there for 5 minutes didn't even take her coat off, and wasn't expecting me there at all! !!!!! Arrrggghhh. Rant over. Sorry people!

Sounds like my toxic ex friend I cut off this Christmas.

She has apparently had an affair, had an abortion, nearly been adopted, is inheriting millions, her organs are back to front in her body, her house is worth millions (not according to Zoopla) etc etc etc

She was pregnant with twins and for months I literally did not believe her after years of those lies.

Manipulation. I can see it now i've written it down.

In my mother's case it's all about lying to manipulate. Sometimes in the most convuluted ways which aren't obvious at first. Thank you for this thread OP!