Working with a woman who weirdly lies ALL the time

[Ballstothisdotcom]

I’ve worked with her for about two years and started noticing it more and more.

For example: she’ll have a call at work. I will obviously hear one side of it as we sit next to each other.

She will then repeat the contents of the call if she is asked (if it’s relevant etc) but completely makes up her side of the conversation. And as it’s none of my business I’ll sit there and think ‘erm that didn’t actually happen’.

But she has now started doing it with me. So for example recently I’ve been at home as I put my back out and she said to my colleague in front of me ‘oh poor balls was so bored she kept phoning me to keep her company’

No I didn’t!

She has met my children and made up conversations to others that she has supposedly had with them.

If I say ‘well no you didn’t actually I’m going to look like a right prick aren’t I?’ It’s bizarre and a complete non problem.

Thanks @bluetongue !

Unfortunately the whole job was pretty toxic and had a huge impact on my mental health. I got signed off for my notice period - it's only been two weeks and I feel tons better already

I’ve read sign fascination all your replies.

Hers just seem to be such small lies that are of such insignificance I wonder why she can be bothered to do it.

Yesterday at work she was set to leave early because she had a ‘doctors appointment’ In the last couple of weeks she has been feeling run down so went to the doctors and there was some talk about thyroid. While I was there the surgery called her on her mobile so I could hear almost everything on both sides of the conversation and said that her blood test results had come back clear as I could hear her saying ‘so they didn’t show anything that’s good ok so that’s it then’

When she got off the phone I said oh that’s good they’ve come back clear. She said yes but they still want to see me this afternoon.

Now I get it if you can leave work early because of a doctors appointment fair enough. But I could hear it there was no conversation where she said ‘so I should still come in then?’ Ok I’ll see the doctor at xx time.

So she left as a half day and I didn’t say anything. But I know on Monday there will be another drama where the doctor wants her to do x,y,z and she needs more and more time off.

But who am I to tell tales?

O think my mum has a mild form of this.
Nothing major but some time ago I realised she was 'exagerating' about things.
For example : Jean next door said x y and y.
Me: really? I'm surprised she said those things, I always thought she was a pleasant person.
Mum: well that's what she said.
Mum: Auntie Sue told me your cousin won't be coming to see her agaun.
Me: really? Why not, that's very strange.
MUM: Auntie Sue didn't say why, just that your cousin said in not visiting g you again.
Actually turn out none of these things were true.
Mum was embellishing everything to make it sound worse than it actually was.
It took me a long time to figure out what she was doing.
I then began pulling her up on it, saying are you sure that's what they said? I doubt they said those exact words now did they.
Tbh I've cut back on contact with her due to other stuff and dad though it was, I feel better for it.

Well there is a positive consequence to that lie, she left early.

My SIL says the dinner she has cooked for us contains lentils when it really contains beans. It’s not a mistake, I think she is just gleefully testing us out to see if anyone will challenge her. No one will of course, because it’s obviously lentils and no one gives a petty shit.

I think when they start to use props - bandages, or medical appointments - that is escalating behaviour.

set herself up as a psychic medium. She used to give people unwanted "messages" from the other side

excuse me @Stinkycatbreath but you have a hilarious turn of phrase.

Wish you could have had a field day with her bloody medium nonsense! "Sandra, we can't believe anything you say about the living, how can we believe you about the dead?"

Or she’ll say she’s seen a play you’ve seen or book you’ve read and liked, and she thought it was rubbish. And when you say oh wasn’t xxx character cool (main character), she’ll say she doesn’t remember him.

She’ll say she’s been to a local attraction hundreds of times, or even worked there for a year, and not know the way. Or where the front door is.

She has been sacked from several jobs and always says it’s because the manager didn’t like her.

She has a job “catering” for a party of 50 this weekend when she’s actually taking some sandwiches to a friends kids party of 3.

This reminds me of a woman I worked with years ago.
She told everyone her foreign fiancee had been killed in a plane crash.
Imagine my amazement when he rang the world phone and I answered!!!!!!
She never batted an eyelid.
I was too gobsmacked to confront her.

Works phone not world phone!

OP - Your colleague is calculatingly using her lies to get time off work and sympathy from you.

I’d say this is definitely in the category of manipulation, nothing to do with anxiety or self esteem - and she sounds like my DSD so watch out!

She’s showing she will lie to get what she wants. And will lie about you if it makes her look better.

It's a form of extreme anxiety, and to challenge it would be cruel

Often it's covert narcissism, & to challenge it is recommended -
the challenging does not need to be cruel, but is needed to set boundaries & self-advocate - www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

I worked with someone like that. Saying "really?" after every lie in a very animated way doesn't seem to work but is amusing

I had a friend like this and it started to get quite toxic and caused a lot of trouble between me, my partner and his ex (who we both previously got along with, but she spread a lot of rubbish to us both and made us think the other was saying things).

Tbh, let her do what she likes about other people, but when it's about you, or your children, or anything that could affect you in any way, 100% call her out on it.

And also, don't forget that anything else she tells you is likely to be bollocks.

What does she do if you just straight faced say 'no that didn't happen' after everything she says?

maybe flag it as an actual concern. for example:

recently I’ve been at home as I put my back out and she said to my colleague in front of me ‘oh poor balls was so bored she kept phoning me to keep her company’

should have been flagged at the time but i would wait until colleagues are around and then say "i was thinking about what you say the other day about me ringing you to keep me company. that wasnt me! i checked my phone log and i didnt ring. what was this person saying to make you think it was me?" because clearly someone is impersonating you.

I'd want to take her aside and ask with genuine concern if she suffers from psychosis...I think the getting confused with someone else is a very polite route. You're saying it didn't happen with you but not that it didn't happen at all.

My ex husband did this and still continues to this day. He lied to everyone about pretty much everything, big or small, throughout our entire relationship.
At one point in our marriage, we had a small business, had a great team working for us and a great friend circle. He managed to convince me that one by one, the staff and some of our closest friends, had confessed to him that they disliked me for various reasons, and so therefore, over time and to avoid conflict, I stopped trying to mix with them and removed myself from the day to day running of the business.
He told my father that I deliberately got pregnant with our third child, against his wishes.(Found out that little cracker from my parents, after we got divorced)
According to him, my father had molested me as a child (that's why I was never to be believed, cos I was mentally unstable.... conveniently), he told his family and many of our friends this juicy story, all absolute bollocks of course.
He had had cancer (numerous times).
Our second son was a result of me having an affair, despite the son in question being the absolute image of him.
His Mother suddenly had cancer, right when I said I wanted to separate. She oddly had no recollection of even seeing a doctor.
On one Valentine's Day, we had planned a romantic evening out, he got an unexpected call and he had to suddenly go back to his own country for his Grandmother's funeral. Found out years later, his poor old Granny happily survived to see another 4 Valentines, so where he went those four days, I'll never know.
He claimed more than once that his business partner(s) had all managed to rip him off over the years, taking his/our money, yet he 'forgave' them and continued their friendship, presumably cos he was such a loyal and understanding friend.
According to him, many, many young girls and women, fancied him, and indeed, my own Mother AND my best friend had tried to seduce him.
He claimed (and still does) to be close friends with anyone of any standing, such as Head Teachers, Doctors, Lawyers, Judges or local minor celebrities. He was fixated with sexual stuff and often told me and others, about other couples or individuals in our social circle who had either wanted to have threesomes with him or foursomes with us both. We were never engaged in anything like this and never discussed it, even as a private 'fantasy'.
He claimed to know a deep dark secret about most people.
And if anyone dies, has an accident, gets divorced, or gets in trouble, he claims to either be a part of the story, or know something mind-blowing about the person or people involved.
Once separated, he called the school, social services and the police on several different occasions, claiming my children were at risk, or that I had gone missing and left my then young children unattended. He ended up blatantly stalking me for 4 years, yet telling everyone, including police that it was of course ME stalking him.
We have been apart for twenty years and still he calls me to update me on our eldest son's behaviour as they now recently live together. Usually dramatically negative, all untrue and with no basis.
This person not only did a good job of ruining our lives, but upset his entire family who are very close and loving. Despite being called out, and offering support, he claims WE are the ones who are sad, bad and malicious. He casually forgot that mutual friends and relatives talk to each other, and the truth soon surfaces.
One good thing I did eventually find out is that his lies and manipulation going back over 40 years did NOT go unnoticed by others. Our friends and family, acquaintances and work colleagues were also subjected to his delusional behaviour, outrageous lies and seedy obsessions, and though he was allowed to carry on, in actual fact, most people played along because he is a likeable character and they couldn't be arsed with the drama of challenging him. I wished then that they had called him out as it would have perhaps led to me seeing I was being manipulated and not just batshit crazy ( or 'imagining' it) . Gaslighting at that level is seriously damaging and as a result can leave quite long term fears.
But, people are good at minding their own business and avoiding conflict, but I'll bet most compulsive liars are surrounded by people who would just rather keep their mouths shut than fuel any drama. Even now, despite knowing all I know, I still play along and then immediately erase everything he says. It's a sickness that sadly won't go away so proceed with caution.

So many of these people around!

My friend's ex was a complete liar, the stories he made up were numerous, many of them featuring women fancying him. It was definitely about getting attention, I think he was extremely insecure.

We didn't realise the extent of it until someone not connected to our group of friends met him and immediately copped on to the lying dickhead and called him out on one of his outlandish stories and then suddenly we realised that so much of what he said had to be pure shite. From that point on we would just say, 'yes, sure' whenever he said anything.

That said, he kept the lie of having a child going for years, none of us ever really believed that one as he was unable to provide any evidence and imaginary child (complete with her bitch mother, naturally) handily moved to the US, which meant he couldn't introduce us to her.

My friend's husband was/is a gambling addict. He lied about ridiculous things. Like you say even when the truth would be simpler he'd still tell a silly lie. Turns out he was just so accustomed to lying to cover his tracks it spilt over into every tiny thing.

Your colleague is hiding something. It might be a gambling addiction. It might be loneliness. It might be feelings of inadequacy. How you handle it is up to you. You're not the only one who notices it. So you can call her out on it. Or you can just refuse to engage. At all. Just ignore her when she tells you anything. Pretend like you can't hear her talking.

Yes, notbloodylikely, my ex also claimed to anyone who would listen that he had in fact fathered two other children around the time of the births of our second and third children, with two females whom I happen to know (girlfriends of a couple of blokes we knew back then) . We live in a small city, largish Town, quite gossipy and everyone knows someone who knows me and/or him, and yet I have never ever heard or seen anything to support this. It's bizarre that someone would make himself out to be a cheater, as though that was a cool thing to be. He also made a point of crashing friends' parties and turning the limelight on himself by way of starting a fight, or making some sort of spectacle or just blatantly assuming the position of host and taking full credit for the evening. Very sad and very strange. I nearly went proper mad trying to understand why and dealing with the fallout of his fantasy life. I am just grateful we got divorced and eventually I recovered. Crazy crazy stuff.

I told my friend about trashy drama on social media involving people we know. It was that ridiculous that she thought I was lying so said something like “Did that happen in your dream?” (I was telling the truth, we had a stalk together in disbelief!)

I just think that’s a good line to use to call her out in a jokey manner? It’s not nasty and can easily be laughed off, but simultaneously lets her know that you’ve clocked her tales.

Or ‘Would you like that to be true?’

My now exH has a version of this.
He was manipulative.
Lied to create a narrative that suited him.
Lied out of insecurity, fear (of getting in trouble, judged).
Lied to cat-fish people.
Lied to gain business/networking.

I told him i wanted no part of such lifestyle. Id rather be poor than benefit from his lies. He didnt believe me! So now he's an ex, and I'm poor but secure (which i didnt have when every no he said meant yes, and every yes meant no), he thought i was calling his bluff.
He was physically abusive, so When challenged he'd become violent. I can talk him in circles and his lies couldnt keep up the pace, so he'd turn nasty. He didnt like to be questioned, because to look at your lies head on is embarassing.
But the gaslighting.......the gaslighting! Fk me, the doubt you put upon your senses was torture, worse in ways than the physical.

There's a thousand examples.
I'll give one or two that were actually completely unnecessary....when we first he said he had a friend who lived in the neighbouring village. Weird cos he himself lived hours away. He didnt need to invent this person for any reason. (Even as im typing this I'm wondering if the guy was real, fking scrambled my head with his lies over the years) I never met his friend, even tho he said they were due to meet him at the hotel. I had already invited him to visit, so he didnt need an imaginary friend as excuse to see me. No evidence, said friend ever came by the hotel. Few days/weeks later, said friend dies in a car crash. (Convenient!) I sent him a white rose and message of condolence. If I were to ask him about this now, he'd have no/little memory of any of it (mostly likely cos it's not true).
He bought a car...the thing was a banger, didnt even have a working battery, the fabric seats smelt of damp....he claims he spent £2k on it. Im not even sure if these are lies or embelishments or mis-remembering facts. Actually 'confabulation' is exactly it.
His mother was wealthy, flew internationally, came regularly to london doctors for health checks. Why lie about this? Surely you know its going to get found out?! His mum is actually illiterate, pretty poor, from a rural village. Some of my own family members were the same, generations ago, so don't need the fake version.
He said his father had flown in to london. Completely false! But why make up that lie? I'd already travelled into the city to meet him, not his dad ffs. He really wasnt clever enough for to sustain these tales..but i was also unbelievably naive.

I think i forgave it because I used to as a teen embelish stories, to make the punchlines better or the story more interesting to hear, or credentials seem more impressive. But i grew out of it!
My ex is approaching 40 and was/is still doing it.
When we split....he said, I of course had to take him back because he'd just been diagnosed with cancer (i couldn't give a shiny shit even if it was true, is wasnt). He'd had a operation and the blood test showed an elevated white cell count and asked him to book a GP app. He didn't know id read the letter, so i immediately challenged him and he still tried to maintain the lie! That letter and a cancer diagnosis arent even in tbe same ball park. Worse still, im work medical science (not a doctor), so why did he think he could fake his way thru that call, as of it's not my area of expertise.....because he's a serial liar!

This thread makes me think that there’s more people with (low level?) mental health difficulties than I realised, the constant compulsive white lies is probably indicative of other issues going on

Dear Rosewines, very sad to read what you wrote, its the same shit, different smell. Apparently it's all very textbook I've since come to learn. I have felt and understand your pain and the confusion is just maddening to the point you may at times think you'll never come back and become your same sane self again.
My cautionary comment to the OP, whose work colleague may sound like a watered down version of the person's we have experienced, I'm afraid I would have to quote a very close and sadly late and learned friend of mine ( Philosophy and Psychology researcher) whose words in a foreign language basically translated into this...
'The person who lies to you is effectively stealing your right and ability to make a wise and informed decision'. Admittedly, this might sound a bit wanky to some but if you actually examine what those words mean, it's a pretty powerful thought.