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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

999 replies

Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 09:21

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

OP posts:
UYScuti · 23/01/2020 10:09

Don't show him this thread!! If he realises that you are able to see through it he will just up his game, pretend you don't realise he's mugging you off and it will be much easier to stitch him up in the long run.... Should you choose to do so 🙂

carly2803 · 23/01/2020 10:09

HOLY SHIT that is outrageous !!!!

doNOT have children with this man!!! run now and divorce the tight bastard

OrangeSlices998 · 23/01/2020 10:09

If he sees your debt as ‘his’ debt (which it wouldn’t be) then why are his savings his? What a prick.

isitpossibleto · 23/01/2020 10:09

FGS do not have children eith this man

Formermousemat · 23/01/2020 10:10

I'd be heartbroken if I were in your shoes.

It seems to me that he doesn't see you as a team, which in my opinion is how married people should see each other.

I know this is an old fashioned viewpoint these days, but as far as I'm concerned when you are married what's mine is yours.

As you say he has savings that could buy a small house, so I'm guessing £100k plus, the fact he is even talking about loaning you the money instead of just buying you a second hand car outright is awful in my opinion.

I also think it's awful that he wants to control you to prevent you from getting out a loan - but isn't willing to support you either.

In my experience, people who are this miserly only get worse as they get older. I'd be seriously rethinking my marriage if I were you.

goodgodingovan · 23/01/2020 10:10

Christ that's really bad. This isn't what marriage is about. Don't have children with this man.

He's actually wrong about the below anyway. You don't automatically become responsible for your spouses debts.

I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt

maryboleyn · 23/01/2020 10:11

this

elliemcx · 23/01/2020 10:11

Jesus, that's just wierd.

Sparklycrystals · 23/01/2020 10:11

Divorce him and take half his money. What a prick.

Urkiddingright · 23/01/2020 10:12

Don’t have a baby and don’t take a loan from him either. Fuck what he says, get one from the bank. I can’t believe his cheek, this is shocking.

AriadnesFilament · 23/01/2020 10:13

WTactualF have I just read?!

You’re married? And that’s how your finances run between you?

😱

squaky · 23/01/2020 10:13

I bet you pay 50/50 even though you earn a lot less. I'd divorce him. He sounds like a cunt. Do not have children with him unless you want to be financially abused.

Howmanysleepsnow · 23/01/2020 10:13

You need a spreadsheet for maternity leave. It should include your entire wage (because you’d have been earning it otherwise, just like he’d have earned interest), half of full time childcare costs (he’d have been paying these otherwise) and a lump sum to compensate for loss of earnings over the span of your career.

Wandaneedsnewwindows · 23/01/2020 10:14

That’s appalling!

Peachesforfree · 23/01/2020 10:14

I wouldn't have children with anyone who I didn't have completely joint finances with (at least at the time). That means one pot, money goes in, money goes out depending on who needs what. The only exception to that is if I was married to someone who was not responsible enough with money to protect the children. It shouldn't be about who earns more.

OVienna · 23/01/2020 10:15

If it were me - he'd soon find that savings pot depleted by half or more unless he changed his tune toute de SUITEY.

I could C-bomb here.

MsPepperPotts · 23/01/2020 10:15

Well he is showing you who he is.
You will always be at a major disadvantage with this guy.
Having children with him will be a big mistake.
Been in your shoes albeit a long time ago.
There is nothing worse than a man who is so tight with money that he will see his life partner/wife struggle for every penny.
You know it not acceptable or reasonable and YADNBU

Original poster
Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 10:15

Fucking hell, I didn’t expect this level of response!!

To clarify a few things,

He isn’t ‘tight’ with his money per se. He pays the lion’s share of the mortgage and bills as he’s the higher earner.

We take it in turns to pay for meals out etc and if we’re down the pub with friends he has absolutely no problem getting a round in, buying drinks for people etc.

He’s incredibly caring and generous to everyone he knows (including me) when it comes to practical help and his time and if anyone he loved should ever need financial help he would help them, but it wouldn’t be without conditions (I.e it would be a structured loan rather than a ‘pay me back whenever you can’ type arrangement)

We have discussed having children and finances. I did tell him I was nervous about having children with him as he is very money conscious.

He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. I said yes, but how much would that be as I suspect we have differing views on what would be acceptable. He said it would be enough for ‘luxuries’ each month like new clothes and a hair cut, not just the basics for the baby.

He is definitely a man true to his word so I 100% know that he would now do that. However we still haven’t discussed how much it would be and now I do need to ask whether the car payments would have to come out of this amount.

I’m definitely aghast re the interest and will be telling him as much. I spoke to my mum last night and she was appalled that he was ‘loaning’ me the money in the first place. The thing is, she’s of a different generation and my dad has always paid for everything so I guess she would take that viewpoint.

Spoke to a friend about it this morning and she said ‘Well as you know, I’m the higher earner in my marriage and I’m not sure I’d want to just gift ‘XXXX’ (husband) x amount out of my savings to buy him a car. I’d probably want it paid back too.’

So I don’t know, I can see both sides.

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 23/01/2020 10:15

Wth?

UYScuti · 23/01/2020 10:16

He's pushing to start a family because he wants you truly locked down and under control asap,
as said if you take out a loan in your name he is not liable for it and cannot be pursued for it.
This thing of 'we are married and I won't have it' well you could equally say 'we are married and I will not be treated like this', he speaks as if he is the one with the authority to set the terms and conditions for your marriage, that is not how a partnership works, he treats you as if you are a subordinate, this is a big red flag⛳

Chickychickydodah · 23/01/2020 10:16

I was fuming when I read this, he’s your husband ffs! He should be buying you a car. What an asshole .

SRS29 · 23/01/2020 10:16

@McBerberLoop - excellent!

YappityYapYap · 23/01/2020 10:17

So if you have a baby with him, you'll go on mat leave and he'll expect you to still pay this 'loan' back and also your share of the bills? Don't have kids with him. You'll spend the early years worrying about money while he sits with £80k in the bank or whatever.

Everything me and DH earn is for the family. He earns twice what I do but he works full time and I work part time. I obviously do more of the care of our DS who is 3. We both get paid, the bills get paid, we spend what we need to then we save. I tend to 'keep an eye' on the finances but we both have access to everything and both get the same amount of 'pocket money'

HulksPurplePanties · 23/01/2020 10:18

Spoke to a friend about it this morning and she said ‘Well as you know, I’m the higher earner in my marriage and I’m not sure I’d want to just gift ‘XXXX’ (husband) x amount out of my savings to buy him a car. I’d probably want it paid back too.’

Then she's as much an asshole as your husband is. Surround yourself with better people OP.

williams345 · 23/01/2020 10:18

Fair enough pay him the money back but no way should you have to pay your husband interest !!!