DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Did you sign some sort of agreement to say his savings are not included in marital assets? Because really his savings should be your savings and he is asking you to pay yourself back it makes no sense and he's acting like a massive controlling twat!

Oh my god.

At some point, savings are spent. Not in full, but in part. They are for some luxuries if budget allows but be probably doesn't think that, emergencies and long term investments. Otherwise what are they for?!

If £6.5k came out now for a car, it doesn't need to be paid "back" immediately.

He's ridiculous and just covering his tracks because you've scared him and he didn't think you'd react like this.

He sounds like a dick and I'm really glad it's making you step back and think about everything.

So his new thing will be saying the words "it's our money" but making you feel like you have to run everything past him when you're on maternity leave, questioning every purchase even if for you and baby, then claiming it's only because he cares and wants to save, when the whole point of saving is to have a better quality of life in general and a buffer when extra is needed so surprise things / life events like creating a new human being don't deplete all your resources.

He sounds exhausting.

And is also bollocks because he’s watched her struggle with that car for 18 months, depleting her own savings til she’s got nothing left

Yes! I wouldn't trust his sudden backtracking.

A FUCKING SPREADSHEET!!!!!!! and yet he knew it wrong immediately when he talked about interest

For example, on the car - 2 cars in the family. 1 coming towards the end of its life. Discuss together that money will be needed to replace it. Plan for it together.

Well... He sounds great.

If you ever have a child with him, don't leave your job and don't reduce your hours, either.
Make sure he covers up for "childcare" as you do.

Dont have kids with this tightwad!

I think 'regretted it as soon as I said it' means 'I realised I'd crossed a line and was worried she'd clock me'.

Everything else is fluff. So he is saving his money for a deposit for your lovely new house but you didn't know that? And of course he wants to lend you the money so that you don't have to pay interest (fyi I got an interest free 3 year loan to buy my car) on mat leave?

I'm sorry OP - he said all the right things but actions speak louder than words. I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him - he has had years of jealously guarding his cash and he isn't going to change overnight because you called him out on his behaviour

That update is shit
He's making decisions about the savings without discussing it with you? He still wants you to repay the money from supposed joint savings? Fuck sake.
The savings are JOINT. Therefore when you as a couple need to spend some of them then you spend it. You then keep savings however you normally save - you don't make one half of the couple save more than they can afford.

I would be very concerned over what would happen when you're on maternity leave, especially in terms of who's paying for childcare if you go back to work, who's working the pickup/drop off friendly hours to facilitate that. What if you don't want your child in 8-6 childcare every day and want to reduce your hours but you (individually) can't afford it?

Being on the same page financially is absolutely key in any relationship. This idea of having huge individual savings exclusively for the use of one partner is odd to me. My DH couldn't save a huge amount just for himself because I facilitate his ability to have the career he has, more so since we've had children. We save as a family because as a family we're able to do that, we all have a role to play.

Seriously op.....run run and do not look back..dh would never do that as we a unit... whatever you do DO NOT HAVE A CHILD

Tell him that if he really considers that these savings are really "both your savings", then he'll have no problem adding you to the account. And that since it is a joint account, naturally neither of you would ever make a withdrawal without the other's knowledge and agreement. His answer should tell you everything you need to know. The only 'caveat' on this would be if you had serious problems in managing your money. I assume you don't.

DH and I have been married over 30 years, all finances joint. And that's the way we operate. We never touch our savings without the other knowing and agreeing. And as far as our checking account, we have a amount over which we'd always discuss the expenditure with the other before we bought something for ourselves.

I don't have a problem with separate finances. But not when it's so one-sided. Not that one earns so much more than the other, but just that the higher earner doesn't SEE things as equal to start with.

OP. I hope you are taking this all in?

This is not normal behaviour. If you want to stay married you need a very long and serious talk about how you intend to work
Things out long term. What happens if HE gets sick and is out of work?

He must be a joy at dinner parties.

Please think very very carefully about having children with this man!

AN amount!

Well done for confronting him on this issue OP.
I'm afraid that I can't see any change so far from him - maybe this will come in time. Or possibly he will continue to lie and brainwash you about finances.
'Loan', 'interest' and 'allowance' are not part of (a good) marriage, full stop.
But he is lying and contradicting himself all over the place, and I worry that he will continue to try to manipulate you so that he retains financial control and leaves you powerless and dependent (and worse, grateful).
He said he realised charging interest was wrong; but he never withdrew it.
He said your savings are joint - but they're still all in his name, under his control.
He still thinks you should repay the car - as you pointed out, repay to whom, as it is (apparently) all one joint pot!
He doesn't seem to trust you with money, ie he worries about the savings being depleted.
Just stay on your toes OP, don't just accept what he says, on anything. Please do come back on MN if anything seems off, we've got your back and want the best for you. Good luck OP

This sums up your soon to be ex...

Sorry, I missed your update as I was cooking dinner for the children while DH is on a conference call with another time zone. Bet an evening nanny would be expensive if I wasn't here

Well done for tackling this head on, it's a brave thing to do. If it is joint savings to go towards a house deposit, then there's conversation to have about a joint purchase from joint savings. There are lots of compromises to be made to fulfil your need for a car with his need to pay back the money ready for the house move (maybe as a couple you can cut back and pay more into savings, for example, or lower your car budget)

I'd be about to cost him a lot more than 150 quid

I wonder whether some counselling to get to the bottom of this is wise before starting a family?

Well done for actually speaking to him
But if he’s seriously contrite he will be honest
What savings does he have?
Time for him to tell you and explain his financial future plan
What’s the point in buying a bigger house if you can’t afford it... ie he expects you to pay half whilst earning much less than him

He still doesn’t get it, so you need to talk to him, lay some ground rules and stop letting him be financially abusive
If he can’t be honest and remains secretive do you really want to continue this marriage?

Having children with this man would be a mistake.

I clicked YABU. YABU to stay married to a financially abusive man and even more unreasonable to contemplate bringing children into such a situation.

That isn't a partnership. How can you be barely managing and he has years of savings. Its so, so wrong.

Get out, respect you're worth far more.

this is your husband..

My car broke b4 xmas, i was quite happy to get along without one, got home from school run one day and on our drive was new car for me, i dont owe him for it, a gift from my husband.

When ur a married couple surely you club together in tough times, help each other with no gain to ones self.

Id tell him where to shove his "loan"

£6.5k on a car? If you’re thinking of having a family you need a 5 door reliable car preferably no more than 2 years old.
With his savings he should be looking to buy a car that he feels his dc will be safe and comfortable in.
He really could buy you a 10k car and still have plenty of savings left.

Well done for calling him out OP but like the others I think you still have a long way to go.
He should be transferring the savings into a joint account.
But I think we all know that won't happen.

But I think we all know that won't happen

Indeed. No chance of that happening.