DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Some couples DO keep separate finances though (not me )!

If the OP and her husband have agreed separate finances with him paying her a stiped during maternity, that is up to them.

However, he isn't charging you interest, he's charging you the interest he would not receive, and therefore what the loan cost him.

If you took a bank loan/car finance, how were you going to pay that on maternity leave? Would he have covered it? If so, maybe he'll be writing off the loan or pausing it during maternity leave. My suspicion is he hasn't even considered that and wouldn't have you scrambling for it.

Some people are extremely precise and unemotional about finances - it sounds like he might be one of them. It doesn't mean he's abusive or trying to financially control the OP, just that he has a meticulous way with his cash.

Moving forward, it may be that they need a joint account, that covers a family car etc, but that doesn't mean that before they even have children (maternity is still hypothetical) that he should just gift her a car if they run their money separately.

OP says she is very independent and runs her own business, so perhaps he assumed that she wouldn't want him to swoop in. I get that, but you do want help, so you need to ask for it.

Obviously you aren't happy with the current arrangement financially (I wouldn't be either) but I feel bad that your husband is being painted as an abusive twat when his big mistake has been to not offer you money in the way mumsnet seems to think he should. This is so far from LTB territory, I can't believe some of the responses.

Wow, it is so incredibly sad that people don't seem to understand what marriage is.

Did you both say the traditional vows at your wedding? If you did perhaps he needs to look at what he said on that day. He is treating you like a customer to his bank manager and not a partner in life.

Well done for saying this to him . However, I think this is not going to work . Be very wary .

Good for you OP. At least he doesn't sound like a total lost cause. Work on merging your finances properly now and make sure you're happy before you start a family together.

He said he knew after saying it, it was wrong.

Lies. If he felt that it was wrong, why did he wait for you to challenge him, before acting as if he’s a poor misunderstood bloke.

but that it’s earning him interest in his bank account at the moment and he’s reluctant to lose that.

Yes. HIS money.

He said he’d never see me go without

He’s been watching you struggle time after time, for months, but never thought about helping you out, with the so called shared money. He’s basically made the decision that his money is more important than your happiness and stress levels.

but that he’s worked hard for that money and he doesn’t want our saving pot to be completely depleted and therefore he does want me to pay it back.

Again he talks about HIS money.

He said ‘his’ savings have always been ‘our’ savings

So he’ll not mind putting the account into both your names, will he? 😒

Good on you! That is fab you did that.

The worst thing he said was that if HE were to take money from his savings he would pay it back, so you have to as well. Absolutely proves he sees it as his money not joint.

I hope the house is in joint names and that you are joint tenants, nothing of this tenants in common shit that often shafts even married women if a split happens. I know of a woman who ended up homeless when her husband died and she found out that they owned the house as tenants in common. He had left his portion of the house to his mother. She lost her portion of the house fighting it in court.

I don’t agree with the interest aspect at all but my dh and I have separate accounts and when I was a sahm he transferred money to my account so I could pay DD’s etc. but I still carried around his bank card 🤣 we are very open and transparent with our finances so it works.

If your debt is his debt, surely his money is your money?

Op maybe you should show him this thread. (This may have been said already but I haven't rtft as it's so long).

I wouldn’t trust this greedy man as far as I could throw him. He’ll play Mr Bountiful, until you’re pregnant, then he’ll use the child as another excuse to be tight. It’ll be all about the child’s father, while HE holds onto the money.

*He said he knew after saying it, it was wrong.

Lies. If he felt that it was wrong, why did he wait for you to challenge him, before acting as if he’s a poor misunderstood bloke*

THIS. He emailed OP a spreadsheet. You dont spend time working on a spreadsheet if you know deep down its "wrong". A FCKING SPREADSHEET- omg I am so enraged by his revolting behaviour.
Leave him OP- you deserve so much better!

Good for you @Twirlywirlywurly! Sounds like you told him properly off. Hopefully he will rethink his attitude to money and you have made yourself clear. I would ask him to put the money in joint savings account if that is what his thought pattern is.

he’d never see me go without

Makes you sound like a charity case!!!

my car broke down. My husband went to his bank account and took out a lump sum, gave it to me and said don’t buy a shitheap. End of discussion. Marriage is a partnership not a business agreement.

he’d never see me go without

Makes you sound like a charity case!!!

And is also bollocks because he’s watched her struggle with that car for 18 months, depleting her own savings til she’s got nothing left!

Op maybe you should show him this thread. (This may have been said already but I haven't rtft as it's so long).

Sorry, but I never agree that an OP should show a thread, as it gives the other person too much of an insight, into the OP’s thoughts and plans. The OP can use this space as a sounding board, but as soon as the other person knows that, they can then read every word and preempt anything that the OP says.

I am so glad to read your update OP. He's saying the right things and it may have been he has been clumsy in his wording.... I am trying to give him benefit of the doubt!!

If he agrees to joint savings/bills etc with no fuss then he has been clumsy..... If he stalls, he is a dick

Well done OP.

Now you know the score you'll be more aware of this tight-fisted "my money" shite and be able to stand your ground.

No more! Glad you nipped this in the bud, but I wouldn't be having a baby with him until the ground rules are well and truly established.

Op I wouldn't buy it if I were you, men can change after baby - don't trust his false promises. A man that would charge his wife for 'lending' her money has strange and tight thought patterns, that won't change just because of a bollocking. Well done for doing it though. This is a fundamental issue

Sounds like a sensible discussion OP which is what was need not a flouncing divorce with cries of abuse

So actions speak louder than words.

Joint bank account and that savings money either moved to a joint savings account or he adds your name to the existing savings account.

But I applaud you for having that difficult conversation because it must have been hard for you.

OK, great update. It really is crucial to get him thinking as a team with you, and joint decision-making, not him controlling all the money and making all the decisions.

Fair enough to repay the savings account. But not as a loan from him to you. As a repayment TO THE JOINT POT.

Drill down more into how more joint finances can work, and how who earns it is not as important as being on the same page as to how you invest, save and spend as a joint entity.

You can still have some individual finances and spending, but big decisions on wealth should be a joint discussion.

There are some pretty outraged people on here and though some of what they're saying may sound like an attack on you what you need to remember is they are actually on your side 🤪😁

What he did was pretty outrageous and needs challenging for permanent change!

Just mentioned this thread to my DH and he made the point about the spreadsheet and the thought that went into it.

And also said - don't have kids with this bloke.

And also - why his and her cars anyway? We sort of have his and her cars, but we drive them interchangably too.

It was a bit different with my mum because she only had an automatic licence, so she couldn't drive my dad's car (though he could drive hers).