DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Jai-not good. Lots of resentment that I had the easy life. We split and then he died so I was spared that financial battle.
Not saying this is the case here, but sometimes those feelings lie deep and don’t come out until times are more difficult, so be careful op.

When I read threads like these, I struggle to work out what's worse. Men like your husband or women who have so little self esteem that they allow themselves to be treated this way?

Good comeback OP, but beware he appears to be very controlling money wise.

💪

I'm so happy you spoke your mind @Twirlywirlywurly well done!!!

Still, be very cautious. If ever he pulls anything like this again, confront him on the spot and ask him to explain his actions. Remember, this is a man who created a spreadsheet at a time when you were vulnerable and he should have been a knight in shining interest-free emergency cash. Isn't that what savings are about? Why save for savings sake, and suffer in the meantime.

If that was my husband I'd tell him. Stick your money up your arse I don't want it. I'm getting one on lease wether you like it or not.
I don't care if you don't want credit I'm getting it for myself
Then every time he asked me to do him a favour I'd say no. X

I'm glad you let him have it, but you need to continue the conversation.

He's pushing for children. All while you have a car that isn't fit for purpose and he wants to 'loan' you the money and charge you interest payments. And was talking 'allowance' for maternity leave time.

Surely you driving a safe, reliable car should be something he wants AND needs for you as his loved one. And you'll be transporting HIS FUCKING CHILDREN IN IT, NO?!

Will he not cover insurance when you're not working? Petrol? Or will you be stuck at home with a car that keeps breaking that you can't afford to fix or fun because 'his' savings are more important than your actual life as an equal in your relationship?

I really, really wouldn't have children until and if this is sorted. And that discussion should include the future ownership of the home he's now claimed he's saving for for both of you.

Oh, and he absolutely LIED TO YOU when he said he instantly regretted the interest.

he created a fucking SPREADSHEET! That takes time, thought and effort.

He's a lying arse.

It's really easy for people to shout LTB OP, but we all know it's not that simple.

My DH is one of those people who prefers to save for tomorrow rather than enjoy today, and whilst it's reassuring especially with DC that we'll never not have a roof over our heads, it can also sometimes be really frustrating. We've had enough rows over the years to have found middle ground these days ......... but I wish we'd had that from the start.

I think you're being really sensible from your updates, and you've realised that this isn't OK. Good luck

Thanks for your updates.

He’s controlling and tight. Seriously this won’t end well.

Run away before a child complicates things further!

What the hell?!

I'd be devastated if my DH charged me interest for helping me out separate finances or not!

What a selfish bastard.

Well done for standing your ground OP

He does not value you, your job, your input. Yuck.
The whole point of being married is to be a loving, supporting partnership. He is back tracking as you’ve surprised him by not acquiescing...looking at your relationship does he generally get what he wants to happen happen? It seems so unequal and that is very concerning.

I don't get how someone so concerned about interest has this amount of money in the bank!

I'm so pleased op. Sounds like a bit of a turning point. With regard to the car, yes its reasonable to want to repay the savings account, but why are you personally responsible for that, why aren't you jointly deciding to cut back on meals out or whatever so its paid back quickly?
It's good that he is thinking about your joint future, saving for house deposit is sensible, but you really need to both agree on savings goals and how that will impact other aspects of life, like your choice of car.
Lots of people don't like discussing money, I know my father felt it was a very taboo subject, and my dh just gets very stressed during any financial conversation. It may be that your dh doesn't want to discuss things or just hasn't felt it necessary.

I'm glad you have decided to get your financial relationship sorted before kids. He does need to appreciate that it's not just you going on maternity leave that would need to be considered, but childcare for many years, which would either be very expensive due to employing lots of support for you both or very expensive because it will impact your future earnings, including your pension savings.
Hope you work it out.

Well, thank fuck you’ve given him what for and that scales have fallen.

Alas, I fear the penny has not dropped for him and by his own words is he damned: “he doesn’t want our saving pot to be completely depleted and therefore he does want me to pay it back”. He does not see your money as joint money at all, and I don’t think he’s taking this seriously at all.

MCBerberLoop Extremely well said!! OP take note please!👍👍

Fking hell OP, get away from this man now. Do NOT have kids with him.

What kind of man charges the woman he supposedly loves interest? what next? is he going to demand you save up and repay him the maternity leave money that you could have earnt if working. Get out now- he's a miserly horrible human and this scrooge like penny pinching will get worse once a child is here. Lets hope his money keeps his cold heart warm on winter nights. Urgh I'm so disgusted by this

It's a positive step. But I think it's a drop in the ocean. The savings are his in his name for him to allocate as he sees fit and without a discussion.

He wants the old fashioned patriarchal decision making role.

But wants a modern, business style arrangement when it comes to you and your finances.

OP - good for you. I’m glad you told him straight.

I don’t know though - the fact he has got to adulthood and actually has this attitude towards his wife is worrying and very unusual. You shouldn’t have to explain such basic attitudes to him. It should come from within him. All this my money, your money; my car, your car - I mean that would be fine if your were flat mates. But you are supposed to be his wife!

I have 4 DC and I haven’t worked for a long time, but there no “my” this or “his” that between DH and I. It’s all one and the same. We have children - what is the point? We have different spending habits yes, but it’s all “our” money and the kids money. If he buys something, I respect his judgement. If I buy something, he respects that I must have wanted / needed it and that’s that, I have a car I drive, but I don’t care if it’s “my car.” It’s a family asset. He has two cars that I don’t like driving, but they’re both still “our” cars because we don’t distinguish. I think this is the kind of mindset your DH needs to move towards, or he will end up very lonely.

But really, well done for taking all the advice on board. It must be very difficult when you’re in it.

If your loan is his debt then conversely, his savings are also your savings. Buy yourself a lovely car with all your new found savings!

@amaryl - so sorry to hear that, someone's death is not really what you would wish for, but am glad you were spared the battle.
@Twirlywirlywurly - reading other people's answers, I see you probably have a way to go and need to keep discussing this. The point about his spreadsheets being proof that he didn't regret the interest immediately is probably fair, I think.
Dear God, I moan about my own husband but I appreciate that I am really lucky that our finances have always been considered joint, despite my giving up my career to be a "trailing spouse" and a SAHP.

TwirlyWirly - I hope you are both able to move forward with a new understanding where you are more of a team of equals. Just because someone earns more does not mean they are more valuable. I genuinely wish you both a really positive future together. It's great that you are challenging this head-on now X

Well done OP that can't have been easy!

The car is a necessity though not a luxury. Even more so with a baby in tow. Also why does it have to be 6.5k? You could get a decent one for less than that if you're also wanting to put money towards a deposit.

You're absolutely right to wait until you've seen what his financial behaviour is like for a good while before having a baby. Keep coming back to the hive mind if you need during your discussions as there are plenty of wise people here who can offer financial advice.

Op if he thought the interest was a mistake he would have said something. He kept shtumm hoping you would just go along with it. Lying toad.

Well done for confronting him but he is trying to wriggle around the issue. He is agreeing with you but still wants full control of the money. Its joint money but earning him interest?
If its joint money you don't pay it back you use it for whatever is needed. You bring money into the house same as him you arent a business partner!

And knock the 'allowance' on the head. You aren't a child! I suspect once he realises how much a child can cost the allowance will not go up to reflect this. You will be expected to manage so the 'joint' money isnt being spent by 'you'. Full access to a joint account or sod him.

Well done for challenging him and being on guard now, OP.

I'm afraid he's still not 'getting' it:
He apologised for the interest. He said he knew after saying it, it was wrong. He said he knows he can be tight with money and that it wasn’t about earning money from me, but that it’s earning him interest in his bank account at the moment and he’s reluctant to lose that.

1. He didn't just say it, off-hand during a conversation, and think 'oh crap that's stupid', he presented you with a fucking spreadsheet. He thought about a suitable interest rate. He's spent perhaps an hour or more thinking of the specifics of this.

1. Why didn't he backtrack immediately after sending the spreadsheet if he truly realised himself that he shouldn't have done that. Even a quick text saying 'sorry, had my accountancy head on, ignore the interest bit'.

1. "it’s earning him interest in his bank account at the moment and he’s reluctant to lose that"

Note the words he's using. And if he truly sees the family money as family money, you paying him interest is ridiculous, because it's all the same money, it would be like paying himself interest. It only makes sense if he still, deep down, sees it as his money.

Aside from that, the loan to you thing is ridiculous. DH is a high earner, we share money, when we're saving for something and a need like a new car comes along, we just pay for it and then perhaps don't spend so much on the family holiday that year.

Hopefully he's gone off to his meeting, mentioned this, and all his colleagues have told him he's an idiot.