DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

I do have to say I agree with your mum to an extend. We always had 3 bank accounts since living together we each have our own and then a joint household account where we put the same amount in. This works as we are on more or less the same income. We always agreed that should one of us massively out earn the other that person would put in a larger portion it's not my or his money but family money. My mum gave me some of my inheritance early as she knows we are going to try to have children soon in 6 months time after the wedding. I see it as our money and money that belongs to us as a family etc.

It really is appalling that he is making you pay interest. It be one thing if he said it was family/household savings and he wanted to structure it in a way where both of you can make those savings grow etc rather then paying intrests to a bank where you will never see that money again.

Oh. My. God.

Financially abusive arsehole.

I've heard some shit on here.
But that takes the biscuit
Do not have children with this man.
Ever

Blimey my dh lent me money for a car whilst we were dating after mtmy car was w/o. No talk of interest. Once married debt was written off. Not good op.

@Twirlywirlywurly couple more thoughts...

It is a blessing that this situation has occurred before you decide to be pregnant/try for a baby.

Is he going to declare the interest as income in his tax return?

He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. I said yes, but how much would that be as I suspect we have differing views on what would be acceptable.

Fuck me this is creepy. It's like you'd be a surrogate, ffs, providing a service and a product. Your mother is appalled because she sees how abusive and controlling your husband is. I'm sure she's worried sick about your future with this man. Your mother's "generation" has nothing to do with it.

Bit of an update

I rang DH after lunch after reading most of these responses and kinda gave it to him with both barrels. It was like I had word vomit! It just all came spilling out.

I said he could stick his loan and that after thinking about it, I was fucking outraged that he was daring to try and charge me interest from money that was meant to be ‘joint’ In fact I said lots of stuff, including how having a child was in no way happening until we’d pooled our finances, got a joint account and ‘worked’ that way for a year. I said I feel like he resents me for not earning as much as him (I do) and he resents the fact that he’ll always probably be the main breadwinner (he probably will) I said if my earnings aren’t enough for him then maybe he should think about divorcing me. He said that isn’t the case at all.

He apologised for the interest. He said he knew after saying it, it was wrong. He said he knows he can be tight with money and that it wasn’t about earning money from me, but that it’s earning him interest in his bank account at the moment and he’s reluctant to lose that.

He said ‘his’ savings have always been ‘our’ savings, he said that as we’ve both agreed we want to move to a bigger house in a nicer area by the summer (we did agree that to be fair and have 3 estate agents coming round to do evaluations of current property next week) and that he’s been keeping ‘our savings’ to put down a hefty deposit on whichever house we move to next so our mortgage costs are low and we won’t have to worry about money so much once we start a family. (He’s vaguely mentioned using some of his savings before to put towards a new house but never anything concrete)

He said he does view our money as ours, including his savings but if he were to take out £6.5k for a new car for himself, he would want to repay that fairly quickly and he doesn’t see why it shouldn’t be the same for me. He said he’d never see me go without but that he’s worked hard for that money and he doesn’t want our saving pot to be completely depleted and therefore he does want me to pay it back.

I said surely it all comes from the same pot?! I also asked what would happen with this ‘loan’ if I were to go on maternity and he said ‘obviously then it would just be cancelled out which is another reason why I didn’t want you to get out a loan from a bank as they wouldn’t stop the repayments whilst you were on maternity.’

Anyway, he then had meetings so asked if we could talk more when he got home.

I do feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes somewhat and there is no way I’m having children with him until things have changed- and for a good period too!

Never has £150 incensed a nation

Seriously though, the man is a loan shark. If he has hundreds of thousands of pounds in savings, seems very petty and patronising to charge his dear wife, who is struggling to stay afloat herself, for the privilege of having access to his pot of cash. And then what happens if you default? Would he just say 'its okay honey'? Or would he resent the OP and force her into more debt so his pile of money remains plush. Where the love?!

Could you imagine a dad like that as a teen? Not only would you have observed your mother being financially abused, but you'd also have to calculate the interest that would be owed if he bought you a pair of leopard print Primark Leggings he thought wasn't a 'baeic need' . Feck sake. Come on women, we can do better than this!

Woohoo!! Good for you OP!!

YANBU
His behavior is very bizarre (but then DH and I share everything in and out through a joint account - have always done this).

But - your Business Needs a car - this is a business expense that needs to go through your business accounts. Unless your husband is a shareholder in your business he will not be liable for the debt on a vehicle that your business buys. I would have thought that putting the car through the business would also have tax advantages.

I would absolutely NOT muddy the waters by taking a loan from him instead of regular car finance option.

You might like to think again about your joint incomes and his approach to this. You are right to think about who might support who if you have children, and consider how you would split children’s expenses? I would not think 50/50 would be appropriate if he earns much more than you do, but be clear on this NOW before you even begin the project!

Good luck!

He said he’d never see me go without but that he’s worked hard for that money and he doesn’t want our saving pot to be completely depleted and therefore he does want me to pay it back.

He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. He cares about HIS money, period.

OP - it must be a shock to see 850 completely outraged responses to your situation. But please, in the nicest possible way, get real. Wake up! This man is diabolical. Stop making excuses for him. So what if he buys a round of drinks in a pub So what if he sometimes helps people out practically? So what? Doesn’t everyone on the planet do that?

If my husband ever turned to me and suggested loaning me money or some crap about allowances, I can tell you flat, my love and respect for him would die in that moment. There could be no going back from that.

People are shocked OP because this is so far from normal as to be almost unbelievable.

I’ve felt angry today even thinking about women who are conditioned to think this is what marriage is about.

Your mum is not old-fashioned in her views, by the way. Her views are totally normal because she has basic self-respect. Her husband didn’t “pay for everything” either! Why would you say this? They were a married couple and respected each other’s contribution (financial or otherwise) and that was the end of it. If that’s your background, how did you come to accept this attitude in a husband? My god, if I was even dating someone like this, I’d run a mile.

This is one of the must unanimous threads ever. Please wake up!

My boyfriend, now DH, paid for my law conversion fees and all maintenance. All our money is free for either of us to use. Big purchases are obviously discussed. He earns 10x what I do, but there's never for one second been any question that our money is joint. The idea of getting a loan from him is crazy. Even the idea that you'd get a loan from a bank rather than him paying from vast savings is crazy!

"Or I could just divorce your arse and get HALF your money and a swanky new car out of it!"

He said he’d never see me go without but that he’s worked hard for that money and he doesn’t want our saving pot to be completely depleted and therefore he does want me to pay it back.

So they're "joint savings" that he controls and has the deciding vote on what happens to them when?

WOW. He is unbelievable. You are married, life partners, what's mine is yours etc. Run for the hills and don't look back.

I'm so pleased to have read your update. :)

@Twirlywirlywurly - Good on you for confronting him.

I wonder if his reaction is that of a bully though? If he thought asking for interst was a mistake then he should have retracted it - and explained.

My worry for you is that he did not until you confronted him. Then, his response of obviously well - no it is not obvious given what you have explained.

With greatest respect, please go and speak to someone that advocates for women and women's rights - and also have a look at this link. especially the slice of economic control.

www.aberdeennews.com/the-power-and-control-wheel/article_782a1ee8-ad29-11e7-a6cb-abef2a835022.html

Best of luck to you OP.

Thrilled to read your update, @Twirlywirlywurly! At the risk of sounding patronising, well done! I'm really proud of you!

@Twirlywirlywurly I’m glad you had this discussion with him but honestly why is making all of these decisions about the mortgage and deposit for your new home without even bothering to tell you.

Surely if he viewed the savings as joint you both would have sat down and said we can get X for our house, how much of a deposit can we raise from savings if he puts in a massive amount of effort to save as he is the higher earner. Then as the car broke down you could have said well I depend on the car for my salary and safety so we need to take 6.5k out of the pot for a car and that’s just life! That’s why you have savings. In a fair world you would then try save as much as you can (within reason) and he would also try save as much as he can to get that 6.5k back into your savings - not him deciding he needs to put you on a strict repayment plan only and he just carries on as normal. Jesus.

Definitely much more discussion needed. Ask him to transfer you half of the savings for safe keeping or to set up a joint account and put all savings in it and see what his reaction is. That will be telling as to whether he really views it as yours or not.

Good luck.

Good on you OP.
Make sure you have that frank talk
And keep the kids thing on the back burner til he has proved he is as good a his word

Oh my goodness. That's not right. You're married. He shouldn't be doing that. I don't think I could stay with someone who would do that.

He's quite mixed up with that story isn't he?!!!

It's your joint savings but HE'S reluctant to allow you to spend it because he won't be earning interest? (Interest rates are rubbish and low btw! So that's nonsense)

YOU have to repay the money back by yourself for your car. Why can't he help you? Are u not a team???? Would he never sit and benefit in said
car?

You need to sit down again with him and make him realise that all money spent is joint. Set up those joint bank accounts and get him to realise he does not have the last say in how your money is allocated.

Wow! Don’t have children with him.

"Or I could just divorce your arse and get HALF your money and a swanky new car out of it!"

This is really erroneous information. Half is never guaranteed in a divorce. Financial details of any divorce are dependent on any number of factors and the UK is not a community property state. Furthermore, in divorcing a financially abusive person it is common for the complainer to get screwed. Tight people don't like to part with their assets and are usually quite adept and hanging onto them.