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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

999 replies

Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 09:21

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sassanacs · 23/01/2020 16:06

This is a fucking joke right... I'm gobsmacked that ppl actually have relationships like this. Sorry OP I'm not being constructive I know but some posts leave me unable to do anything other than swear and shake my head.

LaPoesieEstDansLaRue · 23/01/2020 16:12

"He can't have it both ways; if he says your debt would be his then his savings would be yours. Your finances are either separate or they're together, he's just cherry picking the parts he wants."

This sums it up for me! He sounds unbelievably mean and tight.

Stilllivinghere · 23/01/2020 16:15

Do not have a child with this man! 😱

Molly2017 · 23/01/2020 16:16

When my exH and I divorced he sent me an itemised spreadsheet of the value of our house contents right down to an air freshener in the lounge.
Oh and he was the one who cheated on me.

Run and don’t look back.

mummyway · 23/01/2020 16:18

Please do not have children with this scrooge. The whole point of family loan is that there is no interest. If you have to pay interest then just get a loan. How are you living with such a miser

icannotremember · 23/01/2020 16:20

Leave. Who the hell wants to be with someone like that? What a miserable little man.

SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 23/01/2020 16:21

You're going to stay with him aren't you OP? I'd say on your own head be it but you're planning to bring an innocent child into the middle of this messed up dynamic. How can you you live with that when it goes tits up and it will believe me.

BlancoNita · 23/01/2020 16:21

Wtf have I just read, do people live like this? I know some couples don't always share all their funds, myself and dh share everything we have, which means I spend what I like, he spends what he likes out of our joint bank account, we don't tot up who earns what, once our bills are paid and we both know we are adult enough to look after our spending, I just cant understand how you charge someone you love, let alone your spouse interest on a loan?

Id actually leave him for this but then again your probably used to this sort of carry on to some extent? Oh god this is so foreign to me I don't understand how it works for couples. Mind boggling.

I was dating my dh 2 months when my car clapped out on the way to meet him for a weekend, on the way home he handed me 600 pound cash , I said what the hell is that for, he said get your car fixed I don't want you getting into an accident coming to visit me. Swoon, he had me there and then.

HolyForkingShirtbaIIs · 23/01/2020 16:23

Are you married to Silas Marner ?
Seriously though, the level of miserliness described here amounts to a sickness.

He sounds obsessed with his money. I'd be off. Fuckity bye! Have a nice life with your pile of gold.

peachypetite · 23/01/2020 16:26

Get out now. Things are only going to get worse for you.

Boredbumhead · 23/01/2020 16:31

This is how men like this get rich. He'll be expecting you to pay nursery fees probably and support yourself when on maternity leave. He'll question any prams or baby things you buy. He'll expect you to pay the loan regardless. Be very careful OP and have all these discussions before you have a baby, speaking from bitter experience.

SummerWhisper · 23/01/2020 16:31

You already contribute more to his lifestyle than he does to yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2020 16:34

You don't have a marriage, you have a business partnership. Have his baby and you will soon be the "silent partner."

DickKerrLadies · 23/01/2020 16:36

"He can't have it both ways; if he says your debt would be his then his savings would be yours. Your finances are either separate or they're together, he's just cherry picking the parts he wants."

Yes, this.

AmelieTaylor · 23/01/2020 16:38

Get out now & take him to the cleaners on the way through. HES CONtrolling, you just st can’t see through his ‘nice guy’ persona yet

Do NOT have a baby with him. Your life will be hell & it’ll be far more difficult to get out & start over with child & you’ll always be tied to him.

Guided cage

Durgasarrow · 23/01/2020 16:38

Run for the fucking hills

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2020 16:38

I just cant understand how you charge someone you love, let alone your spouse interest on a loan?

Forget the interest, how does anyone think it's reasonable to "loan" your loving spouse money for a car? Why this man ever bothered getting married in the first place is beyond me.

ScrambledEggsOnToast1 · 23/01/2020 16:38

Omg your husband has a house worth in savings and you are struggling trying to replace a car to get to work. Please think long and hard before you start trying for a baby, this doesn't sound good.

Why exactly did you get married? I just can't imagine living like this, it makes me feel lucky that we just chuck everything we have into the "pot" when I got married I decided to share everything, I'm glad my husband has the same approach. I just feel sad for you having this set up. Husband giving loans and charging interest, Jesus!!!

RachelTension · 23/01/2020 16:39

Please don't have a child with this man.

peachypetite · 23/01/2020 16:40

“ he said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. “
Sorry OP but this wouldn’t sit well with me either. Why should he be giving you allowance and stashing the rest away. You should have full access!

Fanniesyeraunt · 23/01/2020 16:42

OMG!! What a tightarse! Agree - make sure your contraception is working!!

vdbfamily · 23/01/2020 16:43

the only reason I have said YABU is that you are either financial independent of him or not. When couples have their own finances and do not consider anything they have to be their partners too then things like this get really messy. I cannot believe that women have to find themselves through mat leave. It is bonkers to me but for some women, their need to be independent gets in the way of common sense. If you and your partner have set out rules of engagement which are very defined financially then this is the result of that. It is totally mad but I can see how it got there.

CarolineIngalls · 23/01/2020 16:43

Be careful.

My husband and I had similar careers, but he is about 5 years older so was further along than I when we had kids. Three kids worth of maternity leave set me back in my career by 3 years. Those mat leave years were great for him because he had very little domestic responsibility. His career soared ahead those years. I work part time because someone has too for family sanity, and because he makes more it makes sense for me to work part time. My career is now on a very slow trajectory and I will never recover financially. I have to trust him.

My pension will be a pittance. I worry, and he is a very fair man and we only have joint accounts so I know where all the money is.

Don't have kids with a man who gives you an allowance and charges you interest.

everythingbackbutyou · 23/01/2020 16:44

And when he says "agreed amount" this means an amount that he decides is appropriate, I can guess. Again, speaking from bitter experience. Also, when the theoretical 'rainy day' arrives, there is an excellent chance he STILL won't want to dip into his stash.

Idonttrackpeas · 23/01/2020 16:45

His income and savings are an asset of the marriage. As he would discover if you divorced him for unreasonable behavior and took half of it. Loan + interest my arse. I wouldn't be standing for that