DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

I'd love to know who the 2% are who voted that YABU.

He is being VVVVVVVU.

He could just buy you a car. Something reliable, economical and SAFE to protect his wife when out driving. Why would he not care about you enough to splash a little cash?

I would think very long and hard about your future with him if he is genuinely serious about charging interest and even paying back a loan at all .

Weird.

I didn't even read to the end of the first page...just need to say: DO NOT have children with this man. And sort out a plan for leaving. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but this is not normal behaviour in a marriage.

Him and your friend would make a perfect match.

To make absolutely sure you don't have children with him either stop all PIV sex or use three methods of BC. If you have a child he'll probably want to charge it room and board.

My god I don't know if I could be married to someone like that. Every married couple I know pools their resources. I bought dh a car out of my inheritance as his was on it's last legs and it didn't even enter my brain for it to be a loan, let alone charge interest! What an arsehole

@Twirlywirlywurly I guess the definition below kinda sums it up. Thanks Wikipedia.
Usury (/ˈjuːʒəri/)[1][2] is the practice of making unethical or immoral monetary loans that unfairly enrich the lender. The term may be used in a moral sense—condemning, taking advantage of others' misfortunes—or in a legal sense, where an interest rate is charged in excess of the maximum rate that is allowed by law. A loan may be considered usurious because of excessive or abusive interest rates or other factors defined by a nation's laws. Someone who practices usury can be called a usurer, but in contemporary English may be called a loan shark.

Originally, usury meant the charging of interest of any kind and, in some Christian societies and even today in many Islamic societies, charging any interest at all was considered usury. During the Sutra period in India (7th to 2nd centuries BC) there were laws prohibiting the highest castes from practicing usury.[3] Similar condemnations are found in religious texts from Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam (the term is riba in Arabic and ribbit in Hebrew).[4] At times, many nations from ancient Greece to ancient Rome have outlawed loans with any interest. Though the Roman Empire eventually allowed loans with carefully restricted interest rates, the Catholic Church in medieval Europe banned the charging of interest at any rate (as well as charging a fee for the use of money, such as at a bureau de change). Religious prohibitions on usury are predicated upon the belief that charging interest on a loan is a sin.

How magnanimous of him to "give" you a monthly allowance

Threads like these do nothing but make me grateful for my husband & sad that some women don't have enough self-esteem to find someone who doesn't treat them like a fucking accessory to the house.

Just trying to see things from both sides and would it be fair if it was a man asking for help and being charged interest.

Nope! Still unfair! It's to allow you to work and provide income for the family, not as if you were going on holiday even with the money or something like that!

He should definitely support you and not charge you interest, it should be a partnership. I used all of my savings to buy my husband when his packed up as he needed it for work, didn't ask for interest or the money back.

Sounds like my Ex...

As you are married he’s been a bit mad, your interest is his interest too. You will have to play hardball with him, and say fine however your contribution to house goes down.

It’s not good though. My Ex also extremely high earner, massive savings, he needed to feel secure about money but that often means miserliness and not caring you are without. It’s a limiting and depressing trait to live with.

Dear god! Does he count slices of bread and divvy up his share of the loaf?

I have ex who was like this OP. Unfortunately it didn’t end well. We were together for 3 years. He refused to have a joint account and instead insisted we both write down any joint things we’d paid for and split everything down the middle, fair enough. However he’d offer to pay for things and they’d still end up on the list. Even a loaf of bread would be on there. He also didn’t like me touching his stuff so our house never felt like my home. I look back now and realise it was pretty abusive. If I ever got upset about something he did it was my fault for letting myself get emotional. I wonder now if he had some form of autism.

Beware of someone who puts his money first and really is that selfish. My ex broke up with me by clearing his stuff out of our house and leaving a note. He then left demanding phone messages for half the remaining bills with little to no remorse for walking out suddenly. It all came out of the blue and I didn’t know there was anything wrong. He told me he loved me every day but I know now this isn’t true.

Im now married to someone else and he bought me a car when I was 12 weeks pregnant so I can drive our baby around as mine wasn’t suitable. He pays all the bills so I can take time out of work to start our family. I’ll admit he is extremely generous compared with some partners but charging interest on a loan to you is mean. Can you imagine how he’ll be if you do have a child and he has to support you? Honestly if he is this mean in other areas of your relationship I would get away from him. I really regret not getting out sooner with my ex. His treatment of me has taken a long time to get over. Good luck! Xx

The man has clear priorities. Sad bastard.

So if you have a baby with him and go on mat leave, he would pay you an allowance (ok I've heard of couples doing this and it working well for them). But presumably you would you then have to use this allowance to pay him back for his loan with added interest? So he's taxing himself on his own money then!? Please ask him that and let us know his answer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money
O yes OP that's really kind of the tight arsed wanker. Lady Gawain and I don't aways see I to eye but I find this what's 'mine is mine' atitude to familly finances really weird.

I, like your DH, have a savings account with enough for a small house. The idea of charging my partner interest is horrific to me. We're a partnership, with a joint pot, yes he'd add money back into that pot, but a spreadsheet with interest payments is something you give a client, not a wife.

This would be a deal breaker for me, because the idea of a man who'd give you an allowance for birthing his children would render most people speechless. Huge difference in covering expenses and paying for things as a unit and essentially paying you but with expectations.

I haven't read the whole thread, I agree wholeheartedly with everyone saying this is not on.
You need to sit and discuss your future, no should be having a baby with a man like that!
My sisters car broke down, It was my pleasure to be able to gift her a new one. She didnt ask, she was between jobs and struggling a little. It gave me pleasure to be able help to her and I was in position to be able to do so.
What is the point of having money, if this is the way he is choosing to live? Utter tightwad! Imagine a child's life with a dad that would be actively stingy? You know children are expensive right?
I would say after 7 years together is not going to change and he make your future happiness bleak, so leave now and find a new happy.

This isn't a marriage, @Twirlywirlywurly - I don't quite know what it is, but it's certainly not the partnership envisioned in the current definition of marriage. I join with almost everyone else on this thread to say please don't have children with this man, and, possibly, leave him. If you persist in your marriage, you've got to understand, and make him understand, that you are partners, equals in the marriage, no matter who earns how much, and his money is both of yours, as is your money, to be shared (or, as in my marriage, his money is ours and mine is mine (joke!)). I am lucky not to know anything about financial abuse/control, but bow to the superior knowledge of those giving advice on this thread who see that is what is happening to you, and suggest you need to escape it.
Good luck!
By the way, no, YANU to think he shouldn't be charging you interest, though YABU to think it's normal that he's offering you a loan to buy a car rather than your buying the car with money from your shared finances, as any normal person would.

I can't imagine ever behaving like that to my husband, or the other way round.

Why would anyone who supposedly loved and cares for their partner not provide for them if they were able too? I really don't understand that mentality. He obviously likes to feel in control I guess.

You would be an absolute idiot to have a child with this "man" he will hold the money he's promised to pay for it against you for the rest of your lives.

My step daughter’s boyfriend bought her a new car a few months ago. This is no way to run a marriage.

I've just given my DH low 5 figures to get him a new car as his has given up the ghost. No loan. It's my inheritance from my DGM but it's our family's money because we need a new car. We have kids so all finances are joint. I earn £5k more than DH and work p-t. We are a family and it's for us.

Can you say you are open to financial negotiations, particularly over who is going to pay the rent on your womb if you do become pregnant?

Before you have a child with this man think very carefully and have a full and frank conversation about money. I can't imagine a scenario where my DH would loan me money and charge interest!

Fuck that OP.

I could sort of understand him saying we can't afford a car just yet. Or lending it to your business if you are a limited company and the business paying it back but am assuming thats not the case.

My dh is an arse with money. Spends it like water on frivolous crap we don't need. I am much more cautious so I manage our money. Dh earns probably 5 times what I do. I work part time from home. He's a builder.

He needs a new car for work. We've discussed how much we can afford, what sort he fancies blah blah blah. My car is worth 4 times what his will be worth because we wanted a nice family car. It's technically mine but paid for by his income and a family asset because we are married.

Also quite worrying that he classes haircuts and clothes as luxury items. Unless you are spending £200 a month on an expensive cut and colour and head to toe in designer clothes having your hair cut and wearing clothes are actually pretty basic things for a family where there is a house worth of savings.

He’s charging you, his wife, something like £50 a year interest to buy a CAR when he has the money to buy a house sitting in the bank. No matter how generous he is at buying rounds, that’s ruthless stinginess. My husband earned 6 times what I earned when I met him and he would never have embarrassed me by making me feel like a financial customer. He now earns 10 times what I earn and still wouldn’t. This isn’t about a wealthy man protecting his assets from a shopaholic - this is a totally reasonable purchase for a couple, even if it’s you using the car. He should help you purchase it outright!

He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

This is NOT true. Apologies if someone else has already pointed that out, as I have not read all 28 pages! Any debt that you take out in your sole name, is yours and yours alone.

Your "D"H cannot be held liable in any way for this, unless he acts as a Guarantor for the loan. I worked in the Debt Recovery business for decades.

I would take the loan from a Bank and tell him to get lost.

Echoing other posters, do not have children with him. He's the kind of idiot who will expect you to pay towards bills when you're not working (never ceases to amaze me that some men do this).

In all honesty, I'd walk away from this marriage. He's so mean he should change his name to Scrooge.