DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

"I’m definitely aghast re the interest and will be telling him as much. I spoke to my mum last night and she was appalled that he was ‘loaning’ me the money in the first place. The thing is, she’s of a different generation and my dad has always paid for everything so I guess she would take that viewpoint."

Op I don't think it's a generation thing - just look at the reaction this thread has had and I'm guessing it's a variety of generations all saying the same thing. I'm 30 and think your husband's attitude towards marriage & money is outrageous and can confirm that anyone I know from the same generation as me (in fact anyone I know full stop) would agree.

I find it uncomfortable that you try to defend him by saying things like you take it turns to pay for things (can't remember if you said food or drink but it doesn't matter) when out together. That's the kind of thing boyfriends and girlfriends do. I can't think of a single married or cohabiting couple I know who would 'take turns' - as far as they're concerned their money is joint.

My fiancé (own our own home and have a ds) have a joint current account and we are a team. No turn-taking, no spread sheets. I'm not trying to be mean so apologies if I've been blunt but I'm just trying to open up your eyes and make you see that your husband's behaviour is not normal. Whether you LTB or not is obviously up to you but if you want to continue defending him or accepting the way things are you might find yourself in a vulnerable position further down the line especially if you go on to have children. Please have a long think about things.

Hopeitcomeswithbatteries is spot on

Just to say, I’m not abandoning the thread. I’m at work and just haven’t had time to go through all these replies.

I’ll respond properly when I get home (if it hasn’t reached 1000 posts by then as I don’t think I’ll be starting another one )

I doubt I can add anything much to this except to give my experience - when DH and I moved to Australia (his homeland) I had to leave behind the self-employment business I'd set up and therefore my income.
Because we already had a child, I told DH then that I would not be rushing into starting up again as it takes time to build up a client base and wasn't something I was going to find easy while looking after a toddler. Ditto getting paid employment, as we'd both agreed that me looking after DS was the preferable option for us, if we could manage it.

We needed a car. We bought a car from DH's savings. It is effectively "my" car as DH got a company car when he got a job. It got stolen while I was pg with DS2 - we got a new car. It's still effectively "my" car, but there was absolutely no concept of me having to "borrow" money from him to buy it - why on earth would there be?

I can't get a credit card in my own name here as I have no credit rating here and no job (yet). So DH got me one on his account, which I use for most purchases - but it left me cashless, so he set up a savings , account for me (cheque accounts cost money here) and he pays money into that every month. Initially his account was in his sole name but he travels a lot, and after hearing of 3 friends losing their husbands to RTAs, we changed it to a joint account so that it can't be frozen if anything happens to him (god forbid!)

THIS is a reasonable set up - of course it would be better if I was working too and at some point that will happen again - I do some casual work from home now but need to build that client base up again properly.

The only issue we've ever had with money has been over my inheritance from my mum - but I use that money to take me and the kids back to the UK to see my Dad and family every year. It will run out at some point, of course, but then other things might have happened by then too.

I just can't fathom how someone would consider that lending their spouse money for a car is in any way reasonable - you're married and therefore it's "buying a car for the family". Even if you bought and paid for the car with your own money (as it appears), it would still end up being a marital asset if you then decided to divorce him!

Ask him what he will give you as a push present. Brand new car.
That he hands over an allowance to baby per week.
So baby can pay mummy for not working.
If he won't do 50/50 of childcare when not working he agree a recompense to you.

@Twirlywirlywurly the things is all the little things that kinda make sense before you have kids, will be big things that really don't make sense when you have kids.
You clearer have very different attitudes and access to money, so that needs to be clearly sorted before you are kids and abandon your financial security.

Save that £150 to divorce the fucker with it!

So many people are saying he's financially abusing her, I really dont understand why. He sounds tight but not abusive.

@CatonNZ Possibly so. But whose money would pay for her solicitor, if her husband "lends" her money to buy a car? He isn't going to be "lending" her money to pay for a solicitor to take him to the cleaner's.

If the OP did want to divorce him (and I acknowledge that she may not, and that it is very easy to pontificate about other people's relationships without knowing the full facts), I think she would be sensible to assume that she would end up with something, but not very much.

Especially as her husband has the money to employ a solicitor to secure his position. The law isn't interested in financial abuse etc. It is interested only in what is fair. In this case, it's a short marriage with no children. The legal position is what it is, and (unfortunately) would largely work in her husband's favour. That said, he sounds the type who would detest giving away a single penny, so anything at all awarded to the OP would be a dagger to his heart.

As I say, though, the OP may have her reasons not to want to go down this route at all.

excuse my language but F**K THAT.

flips sake.

i hope you are OK OP. Please don't stay in this situation.

@Twirlywirlywurly If it does make 1k comments that's 1k people telling you to run like the wind before it's too late.

Oh wow, an actual miser! Haven't encountered one of them in years!

OP my DH was the higher earner for years. He bought me two, yes 2 cars in that time, AND taxed and insured them for me. Cos he's a nice guy. He's quite careful with his money but he's never mean.

So... What're you going to do?

Holy cow! What an unpleasant character he is! When my husbands van finally died I bought him a new one. No loan. We share and take care of one another.
If you do have children with him you better be charging him for childcare on your maternity leave as you will be losing out on your usual income.

Bloody hell.

Mine earns 3x what I do. Everything goes into a joint account and we both pay for stuff out of that. Everything is shared.

And we’re not even married.

@userxx it’s abusive as he sits on tons of money and watches her struggle and use up all her savings and be very stuck financially. Won’t help her out even though he’s supposed to love her. If you’ve ever struggled financially you will know the feeling when you’re anxious and panicking about where you will get the money you need for essentials and how you will make ends meet. To sit there as her husband who is supposed to love her and care about her yet do nothing except let her get into debt (via him or the bank it is still her debt) is cruel. All while his bank balance increases. It makes me sick.

My DH has his faults, but he is and always has been of the opinion that any money either of us have is shared money (he earns far more than I do) and has no problem with me controlling all of our money/savings etc.

I’m extremely grateful to him I would not be extremely grateful to my dh for ‘lending’ me a (What is to him a) small sum of money. I would cut your losses and leave before having dc. He doesn’t sound like he would be supportive financially if you and his children and would probably make you ‘pay your way’ while on mat leave too. Men like that make me so cross!

Divorce him, take half the savings and buy a car with no interest to pay, two birds, one stone.

In case you think we're 'just a bunch of hysterical mumsnetters' how about an objective view point. All you have to do is google 'financial abuse' to see we are all right. Look:

"Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice."

I've got a friend who is a very esteemed solicitor. She's got over 10 years of law education under her belt including a phd. If I were to describe your husband's car spread sheet thing and a few other things you've mentioned on this thread to her - I'd happily bet you anything she'd confirm it's a form of financial abuse and not normal.

I'm still speechless over this thread. WTAF?!!

Just be careful OP. The richest person I know, by a long long way (millionaire many times over) won’t allow his wife to have a decent car (ie one that doesn’t break down repeatedly). In fact he won’t even let her buy a cup of coffee. People in our circle give her stuff for her kids. You think you won’t end up like that, but what one person considers essential isn’t the same as what another person considers essential. I give my outgrown kids’ clothes to a fucking millionaire - crazy!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E the prick

to play devil's advocate...

I'm assuming the interest charge is to make up for the interest he would earn on the money if it was still in his savings account?

Why should he miss out on this amount if you keep your finances separate...on a side. You taking a personal loan does not affect his personal credit score.

If you don't want to repay him the lost interest ( a mere £150)- you can pay a bank much higher interest...or buy a car on a 0% credit card and pay it off before the rate goes up.

Oh lovely, you need to really give yourself a shake and ask if this is what you want for you life? To have a husband you doesn't see you as a joint partner in life? You are a unit and as a unit you need two cars to operate so the unit funds a new car.

My husband and I have separate finances. He pays all the bills and mortgage as he earns 3x as much as I do.

And he bought me a car when I needed it.

Lease a car but borrow the money off him anyway. Use it to pay the legal fees for your divorce.

He will regard costs relating to any children you have together to be your responsibility, just because you grew them and popped them out of your vadge.

@BrimfulofSasha have you forgotten that the OP and her DH are married?