DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

I know a couple of blokes just like him one has i reckong a 200K plus in the bank ands thats where he keeps it in a BANK loosing money rather than investing.

His wife has to cook in whats little more that a coal hole! google it those who havent seen one;! I've urged him to spnd a bit on where he lives he won't loose long term and it would make his partners life better but standard resonse is;

"Money shuold be kept in the bank"

The other well similar he's an accountant, tigher than a ducks arse much tighter.

Quite what their respective women see in them beats me;?????

Start charging him an entrance fee

😂😂

Haven't read the whole thread but had to reply to your OP - I am shocked and really sorry for you. He's your husband and that should mean you're a team and look after each other. If I needed a new car and DH had the money, he would give it to me, no loan and definitely no interest! And vice versa. But that wouldn't happen anyway because our savings are 'our' savings. If you don't have DC yet I would cut and run.

Leave the absolute weirdo........and buy yourself a nice new car with the divorce settlement 💁🏻‍♀️

Set him up with your lovely friend and divorce him .

Tell him his meanness over the car loan has made you want to check your both on the same page. Before you find yourself utterly trapped.

If you show that you've seen through his controlling behaviour, he's likely to either gaslight you and make you feel guilty for even thinking such a mean thing about him and/or become the loveliest and most chilled out guy ever.

Until you're pregnant.

I'm staggered to think anyone could think this man's behaviour is in any way normal.

He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. I said yes, but how much would that be as I suspect we have differing views on what would be acceptable. He said it would be enough for ‘luxuries’ each month like new clothes and a hair cut, not just the basics for the baby." sounds like a great set-up.....for a 1950s housewife who is happy to beg her husband for "luxuries" such as new clothes hmm and for her to be beholden to him financially

That's not how it works! Instead you should be able to take as much as needed from the family pot for baby and you, assuming the budget allows.

In my case (high earning DH (who a little tight by nature), me then on ML) The family account is open to me at all times to get whatever is needed or wanted. Also, during the pregnancy and 6 months fully paid ML, I didn't make any contributions to the family pot, so that I still had enough in my personal account during unpaid ML to feel I had something to fall back on and didn't feel like I was asking for handouts. Because he knew that even though I could take whatever I needed from the family account, my personality means I would feel uncomfortable making big personal purchases (new MacBook etc) from it.

My husband and I have joint finances. However we split off the surplus so we have our own money each month because I like to spend it on bits of nonsense (skincare and handbag habit) and he's more frugal. We save jointly but, out of his surplus, he saves. He amassed about £5k.

My sister was in severe financial difficulty owing to an abusive ex and needing to pay for a solicitor.

We were lying in bed and he said 'you know what? I think your sister needs the money I have saved so give it to her and she can get a barrister'.

I was utterly stunned. He's always been generous but that's a step further than anyone would expect.

He's not interested in being paid back, seeing receipts, 'conditions' etc.

Your husband is NOT generous, no matter what you say. I bet he has a load more money than you each month even though he pays the lion's share of bills.

If you're both solvent, financially responsible with no children then there is zero reason not to share your finances and I would be suspicious of anyone who didn't want to in a marriage.

So he wants to make a profit from your predicament. How lovely and generous of him . This marriage cannot be happy if he's prepared to go this far when you're in need of help.

DH earns waaaay more than me, and we keep separate accounts because we prefer it this way and DH is self employed. But money earned is family money and we have fluidity between all our current and savings accounts depending on what is needed where. When I didn't have a car but had his kid, he paid 3k to buy me one without me even asking (I was a new driver so the car was good but not spanking).

Really think about what life will be like with kids and a husband who is this tight around his finances. I'm currently on maternity leave and if I or my kids need something I'll pay it if I have it but I can equally ask him to pay for it and he'll do it without question. The expenses cannot truly be planned for, you don't even know what type of mother you will be. Will you be happy with a kid who is one of the few who don't own a tablet in its class? Will you be happy doing countless amounts of laundry per day because you don't wish to buy too many clothes while the baby is young? Will you happily stand aside and let your DH dictate to you that he knows best where DC are concerned?

Have a long long chat with your husband. This is a major red flag and I can't believe you say you're happy.

Watching your wife spend thousands on an unreliable and probably unsafe car is not "kind and generous". Any half decent husband would have offered to help in some way.

OP I wonder if you've not had great role models in your life, so please try and believe us when we say that your set-up is not a good marriage.

Like many others I think he is very controlling, particularly financially. I think the likelihood of you being totally dependent on him financially if you have a child is very high. Clothes and haircuts are not luxuries.

Please don't have a child with this man.

Please think seriously about leaving him, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You're not getting either at the moment.

First for some practical advice;
OK - he saves - good
HE saves only for himself - BAD
HE thinks only about his own situation - BAD
Not sure why he is married - if money is held in such high esteem - and you are a 'modest' earner (I am NOT criticizing you or your earnings)
He probably operates on fear (hence the huge savings) and control
You are being bullied and I would imagine the $ is just one part of the control he likes to exercise on you - hence the pressure to have a family.
This/He will only become more controlling once you are pregnant and have a family.
I would make copies of his bank accounts - see a lawyer and divorce this bastard. Take 1/2 the money (and the house) and heal from this relationship - as it is a toxic uncaring one.
BTW there are no 'loans' between spouses. I have yet to see this reported in Court.

''Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money'

OP, it sounds like he's already done a number on you and has groomed you into feeling grateful for the fact he's giving you any 'help'.'

This - and you are grateful for his offer after he has effectively forbidden you* from sorting it out any other way, i.e. a bank loan.

*To which he has no right. One of the achievements of our feminist foremothers was outlawing the requirement for a woman applying for a loan to get her husband's signature.

My husband and I have largely separate finances in terms of where they sit, but there is no question at all that it is all our money. Like so many others, I don't understand why this is "your" car, rather than both of yours. An "allowance" for maternity leave is miserable and indicates that he doesn't trust you to spend wisely on you and your child. I would be telling him that having children is not going to work if he is going to treat you like an employee.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think he is enjoying his financial power. He likes being (in his eyes) Mr Benevolent granting you 'loans' and 'allowances' at will.

I think that a kind and generous husband would have stepped in before now and would have at least offered to help you out with some of the payments for the repairs to your car over the last 18 months. Perhaps not all, but some help could have been offered even if you said "Thanks, that's ok, I can manage".
My car needed an expensive repair a couple of months ago and my EX offered to pay for it (I said no). He has many faults but can't be faulted for his generosity.
If you're married to someone there should be love and respect there and wanting to help someone in difficulty.
The car is a family car anyway - especially if you are going to have children. He should be doing anything he can to make sure you have a safe and reliable car so that the children are safe and so that your life is as easy as possible when they are born.

What a complete and utter knob.

Jesus. My dh is as tight as a nat's arse but when I came back from an MOT in tears saying my car needed to be scrapped he gave me 5k to buy another with no hesitation.

Sorry, late to the thread, but

WHAT THE FUCK???????

I bet you're sorry you started this thread, OP.

FWIW, my XH was a tight-fisted bastard of the first degree. But even he didn't do this when we were married.

OP, I would really not want to bring children into a set-up like this. He actually said that if you took a loan he would also be in debt -- but he doesn't actually believe this, does he? He's acting like a lodger, not a husband.

It may be that he has psychological problems around money, and perhaps that you have issues too (perhaps around self-esteem, as you have been accepting his awful treatment) and maybe you have had bad role models in your childhood. He or both of you might benefit from counselling. Perhaps couple counselling would give him an idea of what's normal in a marriage?

But whatever course you take, OP, please do not put up with this outrageous behaviour any longer. You're married, ffs, not just sharing a house! Please talk it through with him, and make sure you are legally protected especially if you do have children.

Playing money power-games is a form of domestic tyranny. If you have children you will be very much more vulnerable.

Sounds like my ex. They'd have thousands in the bank, they'd 'lend' me money for food shopping or household bills and then keep a note of what I owed back

Seriously please don't take a 'loan' from him.

But surely when you marry all money is shared? I literally couldn’t ever imagine a situation where my DH would expect me to pay him back

It's merely a red flag. More of a sodding great big red tarpaulin.
Don't have a family with him.

not merely a red flag I meant.

Divorce him, take half his money, buy yourself a top of the range car