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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

999 replies

Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 09:21

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

OP posts:
UYScuti · 23/01/2020 11:52

He wouldn't consider you a family but the woman he is paying to have his child
of course he will let her go on thinking that they are a family whilst continuing to treat her like an employee, and a menial one at that
No one would believe that she's being treated badly anyway because he's so generous and caring to other people, yes he carefully maintains that facade....

Hadenoughofitall441 · 23/01/2020 11:52

This is a bit out of order even imo and me and DP of 16 years have separate finances, (on my insistence). Why the hell Is he charging you interest? He’s the one that doesn’t want you getting the loan so I’d call his bluff and say I’ll just get the loan if your charging me interest. He will soon change his mind.
DP has a very shit credit score and I have a very good one so he needed to do a course which cost £3000 and needed a loan for it so I took it on in my name and he pays it to me every month without fail. i don’t charge him interest. If you love someone you help them out. I feel like you need a serious conversation.

daisypond · 23/01/2020 11:54

The fact that you think he is generous is very odd and skewed. Your examples indicate his lack of generosity.

maddening · 23/01/2020 11:54

I think some conversations and reassessment is in order - sorry op ☹️

Dacquoise · 23/01/2020 11:54

Apologies but I haven't read the whole thread, 19 pages!!! But as husband and wife if you were to divorce you would entitled to half his stash of savings so the interest on the loan seems a bit irrelevant and petty doesn't it? I am not sure what your credit rating is but you may be better buying a car on a 0% interest credit card to avoid him losing interest on his savings.

However, as many, many others have pointed out this is not an equal partnership. I am not sure why you have got married if your finances aren't shared.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 11:54

OP may be putting her fingers in her ears and going "la la la" at this thread now, but hopefully the huge response to her OP may help others in a financially controlling relationship see things more clearly, so I hope it isn't taken down for that reason alone.

ChickenyChick · 23/01/2020 11:55

this: "He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. I said yes, but how much would that be as I suspect we have differing views on what would be acceptable. He said it would be enough for ‘luxuries’ each month like new clothes and a hair cut, not just the basics for the baby." sounds like a great set-up.....for a 1950s housewife who is happy to beg her husband for "luxuries" such as new clothes Hmm and for her to be beholden to him financially

Do not have babies with this man. You will be financially trapped.

Tennapenny · 23/01/2020 11:56

Oh. My. God!!!! What a piece of work he is!! Glad he's your 'D' H and not mine OP! Wow!

squaky · 23/01/2020 11:56

You're going to have a baby, give up your career while looking after the baby and accept an allowance from him?! Equal access to money op. If my partner didn't trust me with access to the bank accounts and credit card, we wouldn't be in a relationship.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 11:56

The fact that you think he is generous is very odd and skewed. Your examples indicate his lack of generosity.

I agree.

zonkin · 23/01/2020 11:57

Worrying about paying the loan when on maternity leave is a bad sign. I am really shocked that a partner could behave like he has. I would recommend not having children with him. You are partners and you need a car. Should be no question of loans - it comes out of the family pot.

MsTSwift · 23/01/2020 11:58

Argh typed yabu as so incensed meant HE is unreasonable! And mental. You are married!!! Freak

Nomorelaundry · 23/01/2020 11:58

So you cake on here to bitch about this situation. The when the overwhelming majority agreed with you you got annoyed and are now stomping your feet defending the man.

More fool you.

Pukkatea · 23/01/2020 12:00

What a generous man, allowing you to have a haircut.

Bakedbrie · 23/01/2020 12:00

Your DH is a tight wad OP. He knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. I couldn’t be with a guy like that as a life partner.

nevermorelenore · 23/01/2020 12:01

Red flags all over the place.

do not have children with this man

lesleyw1953 · 23/01/2020 12:03

If you are having his kids set up a spreadsheet of your wages, overtime rate, pain compensation for the birth, loss of earnings. It seems only fair ...

sillysmiles · 23/01/2020 12:05

There are soooo many problems - but just to take the one where he will give you money will you are on mat leave ....enough to include luxuries.... But he is deciding how much you get. This doesn't seem to be a discussion. You are giving up you job to have and care for a child with a man who decides how much you get.
Even putting the most positive spin on his actions that I can - that still leaves you vulnerable - as this is all him deciding and not a family decision.

Bakedbrie · 23/01/2020 12:05

Suggest a back payment from him for every occasion you will need to transport HIS offspring in your vehicle! Suggest a log book in the car and a mileage cost allowing for wear and tear....I think it will be quite a lot maybe 2 pounds per mile.
Also bill him for time off caring for your offspring if it is not a precise 50/50 ...perhaps a nanny fee of 12 per hour.
Suggest you both consider employing a domestic accountant to run the bills each week.
Alternatively he might like to try not looking up his own arse with a microscope and be practical, supportive and kind to his pregnant wife?

PreseaCombatir · 23/01/2020 12:05

Just... no! Wtf?!?

PrayingandHoping · 23/01/2020 12:06

OP I am in exactly your position. I am self employed and don't earn a lot and my husband is a high earner. I also have a car with gremlins!!

We have been married 15 years and in ALL that time all money earnt is OUR money. We budget and decide as a couple what we spend it on. I don't go cap in hand to him ever. Yes sometimes I'd want to spend money on something and he disagrees (expensive item) and sometimes I back down, sometimes I don't. But it happens the other way too

He needs to be a team with you. Stop seeing what he earns as his money. It's not. Your married. If he doesn't see that, do not have a baby with him.

Changeofname79 · 23/01/2020 12:06

He is not kind and generous, he is controlling with money. Why is it ok if you are ok work for him to give you an 'allowance', surely it should be shared family money. Taking it in turns to buy meals etc is just odd and a car got you is a household cost not a personal cost for you.

I will never understand how you can be a family and the husband (or wife) behave in this way. I would not stay with someone like this.

At least you'd be entitled to 50% of his savings when you realise he's an idiot!

Wheresthebeach · 23/01/2020 12:09

Do not breed with this man.

ZenNudist · 23/01/2020 12:09

I am high earner in our marriage but I just give chunks of money to dh, e.g towards a car so he didn't have to finance as much and I don't have a 6 figure savings pot.

Your dh should be buying your car.

I dont think its a good relationship if he is so tight.

BedSprings · 23/01/2020 12:10

Did you sign a prenup, Op?
I just wondered...