DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Within the context of separate finances, a loan, with interest is the perfectly natural and logical solution.

Simply giving her the interest, or paying for the whole car, is (as far as I can tell) inconsistent with the basis on which their finances are run. There's no point having rules if you are just going to randomly break them, for no particular reason. Either stick to the rules, or change them permanently.

In his position, I would rather transition to completely shared finances than saying we're going to have a set of rules governing separate finances that we'll just randomly ignore when one or the other of us feels like it. That would do my head in.

So he watched you stress and lose money, countless times, when your car kept breaking down? And only offered to make money out of you?

Seriously?! This is your life partner?

What would happen if you refused to pay it back? What could he do? Divorce you? That’d cost him even more.

I was in a similar situation except I was wasn't married to my partner loaning me money at the time. Although we were living together as married. I took the loan as he was my only option to get myself the money I desperately needed.. He too drew up a spreadsheet and he too earns a lot of money. He added 1.5 months interest to the end of the loan to cover his lost bank interest and didn't hesitate accepting it either. We are still together (just!) but this has led to such a lot of resentment on my part as he frequently used to up cast I owed him the money. I have never been financially savvy but this changed my life just as that initial loan did at that time. I repaid every penny and would never ask him for anything ever again. I pay my own way for everything and this is now expected. We have separate bank accounts and there is a severe lack of financial unity. No will provision, insurances etc. So in short despite all this time together what ours is ours only, nothing shared.
We are both divorced but I wouldn't marry him even if he asked. I would him given him the money if the tables were turned for what its worth. Think twice before having children....in my experience the loan isn't the only aspect he'll try and control.

Do not have a child with this man. He will ruin your life. Once you have a child he will see his money as his, and anything you need for you and or the child will be seen as a wasteful indulgence. You will be constantly broke and he will continue to add to his portfolio of savings. Once you have a child you may also find that he is a controlling bully, which his attitude to money smacks off. My ex partner is and I never saw it pre baby. Run and keep running.

We have had separate finances. My husband earns way more than me. I took a loan out for something I wanted as I didn’t want his money.

I think if you are independent then it’s a big adjustment.

So I don’t have a problem with spouses loaning each other money.the interest part is appalling though. Appalling.

Is he quite a tight arse generally?

The purpose of having savings is for a rainy day. Like, for example, when one of the family cars breaks down and you need a new one. It is unbelievable that he isn’t just buying the car, let alone charging interest. You are meant to be a team.

DO NOT have children on the basis of being given an allowance. If you are going to go on mat leave, take time out of your career, most likely with long term financial consequences, you need to do that on the basis that money is pooled for the family unit and you both have full access to it. My grandmother thought being given an allowance was old fashioned and bad for women and warned my mum not to accept it when she got married, and she was born in 1910!

Fuck that. I'd rather get a loan from the bank!

I had a similar issue with my last car. A very expensive job needed doing so was far better to buy a new one. What did my husband do? Went out and bought me a new (well, 5 years old!) car! No loan. No interest.

PettyContractor - I think you’re getting mixed up with a business transaction vs marriage, unless it’s the same thing for you?

Simple question

Do you both have equal disposable income?

My grandad did this to my grandma. He bought her something (for the house! Not for her!) and charged her high interest even though she managed to pay it back under the 30 days before interest would be charged.

He was an awful man who still stole from her even though she was paying it back and she was trying to make ends meet.

He also refused to let her work and physically stayed out so she couldn't get a job and leave their daughter home alone.

He gave her one quarter of his wage to pay the bills and to buy food and look after their child and pissed the other 3 quarters up the wall.

When she was in hospital twice for six weeks (after losing her babies) she came out to one quarter of one weeks wage as usual to pay 6 (then 7 weeks including the week she came out) of bills. He beat her for daring to ask where the rest was, just after she'd had a caserean whilst keeping the "what a lovely man...." face up to everyone else.

It's not normal, it's not good and "forbidding" you to have debt whilst forcing you to be reliant on him is a huge red flag and financial control . Having children with him would mean you were even more reliant in him and its unlikely he would share his income with you given what you have written.

Save yourself and get out! I know this was "back then" and your situation is now but there are still warning flags that rejoined me of this in your story. Especially as his behaviour belongs "back then"

“ You are meant to be a team”.

I also can’t believe that, with ‘his’ savings, he doesn’t just go out and buy a new car. A family car. Not his, or yours, but family,

I earn about 3x my husband’s salary. Finances are quite separate as it’s a second marriage so there are complications about multiple houses and children at different life stages. Works for us. I bought him a car. End of.

Even if you do think it’s OK to borrow and repay, you say it’s for your own business, so it might be financially better - re tax - for you to do it through the business.

I dont think Id be happy with a monthly payment. Not if married
Id be expecting, from BEFORE the child is even started, to have a card for his account. And not to expect to be scrutinised over spending. I would be expected to be trusted.
Id expect a discussion of what was reasonable though, what the budget per month, ONLY on your husbands salary would include.
Id expect that the moment my maternity leave starts my personal account would be untouched. He earns a BIG figure, so its not like you are scraping for beans. If you both earned around the same my advice would be different.
I would expect some serious talk about expectations there are about childcare and housework. How long are you planning off. What about the daily chores which, I hope he is sharing now. Does your work fit around childcare - is he happy to do nursery / childminder pick ups and drop offs . Is he happy to fund childcare to allow you to start to build your career up again, is is happy to leave work to share sicknesses if you are back at work.
If you want to stay home til children go to school is he happy to fund that. Is he happy to possibly contribute to a pension for you while you stay home and take on all the home responsibilities because he will realise that your career is taking a hit whilst his is growing unhindered by the demands of childcare and responsibility. If, once your kids go to school, and you decide to work again, is he happy to continue to financially take the burden while you build your business back up and not expect you to suddenly shoulder costs until your wages can cover it.

And btw my med salaried PARTNER (not husband) has bought me 4 different cars as and when Ive needed them over the last 18 years. When Ive been broke he has turned up and given me a wodge of cash. We live seperately and have seperate finances, but thats what you do when you can when you are supposed to love them

Your dh will 'give' You money if you have a child.
He's not 'giving' you money he's supporting his family.
Can you not see what a tight, controlling arse of a man he is?
Ffs. Why do women put up with this?
My husband has always earned at least 3x my salary. We've just been discussing a new outfit I need for a wedding and he said get what you like and don't worry about the cost.
Not because he's 'generous' to me but because he doesn't see his earnings as his own money.

That is shocking

Nope. Keep being financially independent rather than beholden to this arsehole for anything! And for god sake.....do NOT have a child of his!

He should be offering to buy you a car, you are his wife FFS. Whats his is yours and all that...

1. Take "loan".
2. Do not "repay" money to your husband.
3. If he attempts to enforce it, LTB.

Having children would be a huge mistake. Kids cost money and lots too. Could you imagine having to ask him to buy a birthday present or pay for an outing with baby. It would be awful for you. There is no set amount he could give you. He needs to prioritiese what is important in life. Money or family. I understand he saves and is good with money but your his wife. My DH would never let me drive a car if it thought it may break down.
Say your piece to him and consider your options.

You would be an idiot to tolerate this and you need better friends. Listen to your mother and the responses on this thread

He is your husband! He should obviously buy you the car. This is insane attitude. In what way are you actually a married couple of he is treating you this way?? Divorce him!

So he watched you stress and lose money, countless times, when your car kept breaking down? And only offered to make money out of you?

Do not - and I can’t stress this next bit enough - have children with this man.

Bloody hell!!! If my "D"H put this offer to me I don't think I'd find him sexually attractive ever again!!!
But then, we are "old school" and have had joint money since before we even married. This, despite him earning x3 more than me!
The way you are living doesn't sound like a partnership at all. More a convenience!!

This is a joke! I read the OP and the next one about the "generosity" of this man. It's unbelievable