DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

WTF!
OP, you need a serious talk with this miser.

I dont think OP will be back....

She will be in about 18 months......and I’m sure we can all predict what she will be posting about sadly.

Run. Like. Fuck.

He says 'have a baby and I will give you what I think is a reasonable allowance'
Her response should be 'if you want me to have your child you need to pay me x amount of money or it's no dice sunshine'
But who would want to have a baby with a man like that, he is acting as if having a baby is something that women do for their own personal enjoyment and at no cost to them when in fact it comes at huge cost and is very demanding work

I don’t know which is worse your husbands treatment of you or your delusional belief that this kind of economic abuse is acceptable
I think you would benefit from some kind of counselling because your self esteem sounds st rock bottom. You deserve much better than this
Listen to your Mum ! A marriage is a equal partnership and that you don’t seem to realise you’re being poorly treated is incredibly sad

Tell him to stick his loan and go to the bank.

I really didn't know married people had separate finances til I joined MN. As soon as DH and I found out i was having DS (very early in relationship) we pooled all finances and it was that way ever since. No ratio of who earns what to pay for such and such, it all went into one pot and our bills went out, what was left was there for either of us to use however we wanted. It's the way my parents did things too.

I wonder if it's more unusual in lower earning couples though to have separate finances. We were skint at first, so it didn't seem like one person was shouldering the financial burden as we were both paid similar. When I became the much higher earner, it didn't occur to me to change the approach, but perhaps if I had met him then things may have been different, who knows.

Anyway OP, I would be so upset by this. Get a loan yourself and don't rely on him, he sounds very money oriented and while that's not always a bad thing, being mean to your partner who needs something (not just wants it) is just not on.

I borrowed money off my boyfriend with an agreed pay schedule.

He then became my fiancé.

He then became my husband and wrote it all off the day before the wedding.

Does your DH read online news sites?

This is so going to end up on all of them

I should add my DH is a miser too, and has a big salary. It means we are financially secure. Also it stops me from coasting. I've always worked part-time just so I have some independent money and to keep me sane. Not because I have too. It's hard to explain but it works for us.

Good luck with what you decide.

I wish this was a windup. Sadly i suspect not.

It's one rule for him and another for you, isn't it op? He's 'too good' to get into debt but he's fine with you being indebted to him.

Most marriages involve a pooling of incomes and shared responsibility for household expenses op. Isn't that what you want too? Or are you happy to go on being married to Scooge?

This sounds awful and really mean 😟

Based on what you've said above OP, in your shoes I'd probably leave. As you're unlikely to do that, option B would be to tell him where to shove his loan with interest and get one from the bank like you originally planned.

OP - I do hope you will listen carefully to the reaction on here. Your husbands attitude is not okay, and your friend.... well her attitude is very bizarre. When you marry, you are joining, with the intention of it being forever. His hoarding of ‘his own’ money is not in line with the values of marriage. The whole better for worse, richer or poorer.... it’s an actual thing. It’s not just words of another era.

It’s fine to save, it’s a good thing. But it is both of you saving, with a goal in mind. A bigger house? A pool? Kids university fees? Him just hoarding while you balance on a financial fine line is totally un supportive.

There’s a possibility you could change him, I managed to change my husbands attitudes towards money greatly, but I started before we married, but it did continue on into the marriage. I feel we’re on the same page now.

I would certainly not have a child until you’ve got a change, not just because he sounds like an arse, but because having a child can have a huge negative impact on the Mum’s self worth anyway. It can be lonely and isolating, and if you are made to feel like you have to ask your husband for financial support, it could tip you off down to PND.

Out of interest, have you signed a pre nup?

If I were you, I would take out a business lease. There are some incredible deals available which include service costs, so no worrying about break downs etc from a second hand car. Then I would adjust what I put into the rest of the bills in the house to cover it and be comfortable. See what he thinks to that. Ask him what his definition of partnership is?

What would the women’s rights movement take on it be? Be careful what you wish for eh? Equality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when it’s held to the letter.

It’s not so much the paying back of the money (I would probably pay my OH back if he lent it to me even though he would say not to) it’s the paying interest on it that’s baffling.

With regards to mat leave, I didn’t really need a top up from OH as such, I just paid less into the bills account but on the occasion I did need money, this was given without question.
You really do need to sit down and discuss finances with your DP as child care can cost quite a bit, someone will need to cut their hours to either look after a baby or be willing to leave work on sick days and you also have something like 13 weeks of school holidays to cover when school time come. Will he expect you to do all the pick ups and drop off, reducing your hours and pay but still expect you to pay your current share of the bills?

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners we keep talking about it & I want a Monzo card as I have no idea what we spend on food (just know it's too much) just haven't got around to actually do it. We have joint savings for us & dc though.

I think this is a key point, to the husband everything is a negotiation and he is good at negotiating to get what he wants, the OP does not grasp this and does not understand that she needs to negotiate and push for what is in her interests.

If he doesn't think of her interests as being his interests, then it doesn't seem much of a marriage to me.

Also, what an absolutely exhausting way to live.

Also, how do you juggle this adversarial approach with child-rearing?

The man is being ridiculous, does he not realise if you divorce you get half of everything.

I would seriously think long and hard before bringing any children into the mix, this won’t get better, he may say to you if you ask him what happens to the loan repayments if I’m on maternity leave and not earning, I suspect he will say you can continue paying him back once your back at work.

I think you need to have a long discussion with him about everything financial and say to him you are his wife not some financial transaction.

What's the point of being married then?

I honestly can't get my head around this. I'd run for the hills and never have children with this man.

A "monthly allowance" for you. do you get a bonus too for being a good girl? It's incredibly patronising and controlling.

He’s not actually given you a figure with regards the money he will give you if you go on maternity leave.

Fine out the exact figure.

Then spend a few months living on that amount and checking how much nappies, formula, baby food, clothes, toys l, equipment will cost you.
Will he expect the bulls to also still be paid by you using your ‘allowance’?

I guarantee if you stay in this relationship you will be back at some point because he’s moved on to another woman willing to put up with such a crap relationship and you’ll be out fighting for access to your child with no money to your name looking at renting in a really shitty cheap part of town.

I cannot believe the crap women put up with. You’re not on the breadline here, he could buy you a car and it would be a family car. Instead you are being given a loan from him and expected to pay interest.

Make a list of everything you do, cook, clean, sex, admin, shopping, visiting his family and charge him for each thing. You’ll be quids in.

Never have children with a mean man. Why did he marry you? Does he understand what marriage is? It's a partnership not a business arrangement. He may be lovely but he's also controlling and will never change. My DH got in a mess with his tax - I gave him money from my savings. I'm not working now, he recently bought me a car that's nicer than his. That's marriage and one reason we've been married 34 years.

AN ALLOWANCE! Ffs! You’re his wife, not his child! So he’ll pay to make sure you look good, but is he going to expect you to pay for half your meals out, by taking money out of your ALLOWANCE? What if you treat yourself to something he doesn’t approve off, is he going to come to the decision that he’s giving you too much, so adjust your allowance?

What was the relationship between your mother and father like, OP? You seem to have a very strange view of what a good man is.

OP, sorry but this thread is making me extremely annoyed on your behalf. There is no need for any woman to be putting up with this crap.

This husband of yours is an complete wanker of the very, very highest order. Sorry, but there it is.

How DARE he be talking to you about transferring amounts into your bank account after you’ve had HIS baby. Who the hell does her think he is? He is a disgrace to mankind.

What state of mind can you possibly be in to think this is in any way normal? It’s quite scary.

If a man will not share his bank account with you freely, why the hell would you even consider sharing your DNA to make a child.

You do realise that most men wouldn’t even dream of the concept of money transfers / loans / interest when it comes to their own WIFE! What kind of marriage is this? I just can’t understand it at all.

How can you respect him on any level? He’s pathetic.

I would not even engage in any further conversations. Tell him he can stick his pathetic little loans and conditions and f* off.

Sorry, I never usually get worked up on a thread, but this makes my blood boil. That women are putting up with this in 2020 is a sorry reflection on our society, it really, really is. It’s as if we’re going backwards.

Your husband is diabolical.

This is not normal. Myself and my DH have separate finances just as we have been too lazy to go set up a joint account to be honest. He is the higher earner and has savings - I don’t. Our arrangement for when I have a baby is that he will just add me to his current account and give me a debit and credit card where I will spend what I need. I wouldn’t be putting up with this rubbish about deciding an allowance that includes a haircut!

What if he thinks hair cuts are only once a year and you want to get it done quarterly. What if you want a nice dress for a wedding - will that be allowed or is that going to use up your clothing allowance for a year? Men’s things are way less expensive than women’s - and they don’t buy makeup etc. Does he understand that in this ‘allowance’ you’re going to get.. I honestly wouldn’t stand for that.

Also I said to DH that I would want a jeep as I’ve back problems and wouldn’t want to be bending down to put a baby in and out of a car. He just asked what kind of jeep would you like and we will get it when pregnant. I couldn’t live like you.

He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month.

Well no, you see the problem with a husband who sees everything as ultimately a financial transaction - no matter how nice a person they happen to be in everyday life - this just isn't enough, as you are lacking that basic 'what's mine is yours' security.

So, your reply to his 'offer' above is this:

a complex spreadsheet detailing what you will be charging him for the use of your body during pregnancy, compensation for risk to health/physical damage, loss of earnings, pensions contributions etc and that he has a plan detailing the parental leave he will take and the changes to his job to facilitate 50:50 care as obviously you’ll have to go back to work full time so you are never dependent on this tightwad?

• word for literal absolute word.

Tell him that. And make it clear it's because how he thinks makes him slightly lesser as a partner and a husband. You cannot ultimately rely on him to be there for you unless you are paying for it.

So - this means he pays for it, too. Not just some money in the bank and the rest is taken as what just happens when you make a family, those sacrifices you just make because, you're a team, you're married, that's the way it is. No. Just as here, you literally make him pay for every single element of inconvenience or loss a pregnancy causes you.

Explain this and come and tell us his reaction.