DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

You’re married, so your debt is his debt.... but not married when you don’t have a working car.

Stop making excuses for him.
Do not have a child with him.
His promises are worth nothing.
He may well transfer a small amount (which he thinks is sufficient) into your account each month during maternity leave but you'll find conditions attached - eg. paying this back when you return to work at a monthly rate worked out by him in his spreadsheet.

He is quick to say that you aren't allowed to take a loan out because it will be debt because you are married but doesn't recognize that you are married so all money coming in is family money.

Go out ASAP and lease a car. Do not take his loan. This nonsense stops today. He has no right to forbid you from leasing a car.
Stand up to him. Tell him afterwards what you have done. His reaction will then tell you what you need to know about the future of the relationship.

Is this an equal partnership where you make decisions together?
Because it sounds controlling to me.

As you are married your assets are joint so the money is jointly yours anyway. So he cannot charge you interest on money you jointly own.

If you divorced him and were married for a decent amount of time then you would get half the savings in his name anyway.

I suggest you go to relationship counselling before you have any children with this man. This man needs to understand marriage is a contract where you take care of each other financially as well as in other ways by sharing things with each other.

In the meantime buy your car using finance if needed. Unless you go bankrupt or simply decide not to pay they will not come after your joint assets which includes the savings in his name.

Erm do not have a baby with this man. He'll financially control you for life.

Christ on a bike.... No. I wouldnt be doing with this. When kids come along? The way I do my family leave, me and dp are a partnership. Theres no 'my' car bills, there is 'our'. Doesnt work for everyone. But he is on the other extreme. Women are more likely to take financial hits and career set backs due to having family. High earning men benefit disproportionately from marriage (compared to high earning women). He s showing himself to want to take take take.

are you sure you are his wife??
the way how he treats finance and you is like flat mate?? do you split food bill in half?? as well??
give him invoice for or your house work that you do for him, i ll bet it will be more than this loan.

The only thing I would question is does the OPs husband think the OP is bad with money?
I say this because if he is a high earner so 100k plus & earns 3 x more than OP she must be on at least 30k & if he pays all the other bills what does her money go on?

I find the attitude of your husband, and your ‘friend’, to be very off. You have been struggling with reliability for 18 months and this is affecting your professional commitments, and I imagine your safety and security when you break down in random places. Someone who cares about you unconditionally and in a position to help and support you would do so, no? A decent reliable car - Civic or something - 3 yrs old - can be got for £10-15k. Doesn’t sound like it would make too much of a dent, and you would be in a better & safer position. The outlay could be returned to the investments over time, if important to do so. This situation, and attitudes shown, is awful. (We are also strong savers and careful spenders, but our money is our money and the most important thing for us would be that each had a reliable car, because we care about each other and value the balance between having quality of life vs a figure in a bank account, and would never treat each other like this!)

Responding to the OP – no time to read the last 15 pages.

I'd take the loan and file away the loan agreement in a safe place. You'll have to pay much more than £150 in interest on a bank loan or whatever.

I'd then gather other evidence of his unreasonable behaviour and divorce him. Sounds as if you'd come out of it rather well.

This isn't how a reasonable, supportive partner behaves.

I think everyone have covered the car thing so will leave that.

The DC thing however.... he will pay for basic child needs and luxuries like new clothes and hair cuts. GIANT RED FLAG RIGHT THERE

1. Why only "basic" child needs?
2. Why are clothes and a hair cut luxuries?
3. I assume that while he's paying you these small amounts of the generosity of his heart, he will continue to be making sigifniciant savings while you will have absolutely nothing and no way to make any savings?
4. Will you be expected to meet car payments while on ML?
5. Will you be expected to pay your car's running costs while on ML?
6. If you go out for an evening with girlfriends, is that "your problem" and therefore not something he's willing to pay for?

And what about when you go back to work? How does he envision contributing to childcare at that point both in terms of costs and practicalities? Will be be paying the majority of childcare costs as he is the bigger breadwinner? Will be be splitting drop off/pick up with you?

These are all things you need to understand before you consider having children with him. And sadly, his attitude to the car loan and to "luxuries " hair cuts and new clothes makes me think it's unlikely this is going to go in your favour.

Then she's as much an asshole as your husband is. Surround yourself with better people OP.
This exactly.

He can't have it both ways; if he says your debt would be his then his savings would be yours

This. Use your joint savings to buy a car.

What exactly would he do if you didn’t pay? Probably been asked previously.

Does your husband do an equal amount of the housework, planning etc? Just out of interest? Or does more of this fall to you because he is more important and earns more?!

He said that if we were to have a child, we would work out an agreed amount that he would give me each month whilst I was on maternity leave and he would put it in my account each month. I said yes, but how much would that be as I suspect we have differing views on what would be acceptable. He said it would be enough for ‘luxuries’ each month like new clothes and a hair cut, not just the basics for the baby.

So what happens if the baby turns out to be more expensive than anticipated? Does the baby have to take out an interest loan from their father or is this somehow your responsibility?

What about later in life, when you are presumably back at work and the child is growing up? Do you want to be the person who has to explain to your child that s/he can't go on the school trip or have orthodontic work done or have music lessons because, although their father has more than enough money to pay for it, he is not prepared to give them more than you would be able to match?

What if the child is born or becomes disabled (these things happen!) and needs expensive equipment that can't be had on the state: are you prepared to explain to them why daddy's money has to sit in the bank rather than be used to help them to independence? Explain to them that you can't allow them to take a loan from daddy because they might never be able to pay the interest?

What if your earning capacity is impacted (temporarily or permanently) by injuries sustained giving birth to his child? Again- these things happen! Do you want to explain to your child why you can't afford to eat properly at home because daddy would charge you interest.

If not, don't have a child with this man! If he treats you like this, there is no reason to believe he would treat his child any different. And even if he treated his child like a little prince or princess, they would still be damaged by seeing their mum treated badly.

We really do have a responsibility for choosing decent people to be the other parent of our children. Of course lots of times we don't know and people change in unforeseen ways. But you do know.

Absolutely awful op. You have said you csnt work without a car and he is making you pay him interest when he has loads of savings. Ergh makes me sick. Why are you putting up with this shite.
It will become a million times worse when you have a baby and won't be able to earn. How kind of him giving you money for luxuries like a hair cut 😳

He has said he will pay you an allowance if you go on Maternity Leave, he’s making it sound like some sort of surrogate contract. Why are you having to pay for the car you would use when you were pregnant with his child, or do you get “let off” paying the loan back if you get pregnant? Are you going to have to have detailed agreements about everything maternity or child related. For example what if you are ill during your pregnancy and can’t work to the same level or need to go on maternity leave earlier than expected? Will he refuse to pay your allowance because it wasn’t what was previously agreed. What if you or the baby were ill after the birth and you needed longer leave than was originally planned for. Loads of possible scenarios where he is holding the purse strings and allocating you what he deems acceptable, will he want receipts to judge if your spending is reasonable probably rather than you just having access to shared money and him trusting you.

I dont think OP will be back.....

Wow. He would begrudge you a £1/week loss of interest on his savings? His wife?

Not cool.

OP, he has you well and truly brainwashed.
I wish you well, but as you're clearly going to ignore what everyone has said above, it's clear that your life will go from bad to worse - but you'll keep defending your ghastly husband and his financial abuse of you. Hopefully one day you'll wake up to the reality of the situation.

I think you really need to negotiate beforehand in the way that he does
I think this is a key point, to the husband everything is a negotiation and he is good at negotiating to get what he wants, the OP does not grasp this and does not understand that she needs to negotiate and push for what is in her interests.
he is playing his hand to his best advantage and she doesn't even realise that she has any cards, in fact she doesn't even know that there's a game going on 🤦🏼‍♀️

If he is funding the baby stuff, does that mean that he gets to choose all the baby stuff? Would you be stuck with a pram and cot that doesn't work for you, or would your baby be stuck in a car seat that is not your first choice? Really, OP - would you get an equal say in the final choice, or is it all about what he would allow?

I think that because the OP is self employed their finances have to be kept separate.
It is a practical matter which makes completing tax returns etc. a lot easier. Whilst I think her DH is being mean, I think she should be going to the Bank for a loan, if her car is necessary for her work/business surely it should be tra=eated as a business expense.
Relatively the OP and her H have not been together that long.
She, if they are considering starting a family, should be having serious discussions with him about how she is supposed to service her loan when she is on maternity leave wherever that loan is obtained from?
If it were me I would get the loan from the Bank, gauge his reaction, therefore I would not be thinking about DC's until my bank loan is paid off.
I have been married for 40+ years our finances have always been separate as DH is self employed, Saying that I have never gone without and my DH (if the cash is available) always shares as do I.

I think the OP's DH is probably very "money orientated" as his obsession with savings demonstrates that, Who knows why?
I think a deep and meaningful discussion is required over this, but the OP should go to the Bank.

My DH lent me some money, it was all forgotten about after baby. The baby expenses took priority. I shouldn't worry.