DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

i cant understand people who have seperate finances! Since before me and DH were married once we moved intogether all of our money has always been pooled.
its more understandable before getting married and having kids but once you have kids its not as black and white as I earn x and you earn y and pay everything jointly. someone - normally the mother but I do know Dads also - who give up work or go part time in order to do the childcare.
But then theres the less tangible effects -
pregnancy can lead to long term health problems andmore likely to get dental problems, as well as mental health problems due to the effects of preganancy on the body, This then leads to more time of work and an increased dentist costs, etc.
womens body size and shape and even foot size changes with pregnancy and even after so new clothes are needed which soon adds up.
Women end up contributing less to thier pension due to maternity leave and going part time.

Once you have kids the contribution to the household isnt 50/50 in everything and one person will contribute more financially but normally because the other is contributing more in terms of childcare, housework, cooking, and running the household.

I think you need to present him with a spreadsheet invoice of your costs both while pregnant, on maternity leave and going back to work.
Include everything like loss of pension contributions, dental work, maternity wardrobe, maternity pads, play groups, soft play, zoo trips, petrol to take child to health appts, childcare when back at work,
plus then your hourly rate for child care, cleaning and cooking
He can then pay 50% of all these costs. I wonder what his reaction will be?

For comparison. DH earns 4-5 times more than me. He works full time and I work 30 hours a week which enables me to drop the kids to school and pick up 3 days a week. All of our income is joint and all of our bills are joint. We both spend what we want, I probably spend more on kids parties and things than he'd like and he spends more on climbing gear than i would like but unless we are spending the food money on other stuff its fine.
My car was getting old so when DHs company car was up for renewal he took out a bank loan to buy it for me.

Oh OP...............
A 'loan'? with 'interest'!? to his wife???
Why are you with this hideous man??? why did you marry him??? He doesn't care about you at all.
Never have children with this man. Can you imagine the financial insanity that would create? He'll be giving you loans WITH INTEREST to cover maternity leave, baby clothes, nappies etc. Your life will be hell. You deserve so much better OP.

Just waiting for this thread to be deleted as 'the poster has reason to believe it is outing'

Eg she doesn't like the answers as it's making her re-evaluate how much of a 'nice guy' her husband really is.

Yep.

Jesus christ, charging your own wife interest on a loan? It takes all sorts I guess. Every day is a school day on MN.

Fuck that shit though. I couldn’t be doing with a miserly git like that. My vag slams shut just thinking about it.

I hope you’re charging for sexual services the times you’re not feeling like it OP. I can’t imagine you’re tearing his clothes off if he’s like that. What a turn off.

Btw I am in my early 30s. One kid. I am technically the higher earner. I don't have a "1950s marriage" (not that there is anything wrong with that). And I still think this is appalling - we share all money in a joint account for our common spending/purposes bar an agreed amount of personal money. Your friend is also an idiot.

My husband needed a new car and it was paid for with money from the savings accounts in my name. I don't expect him to pay it back because it was just as much his money as mine to start with, just as the car is just as much mine as his.

Yeah, me and my DH have seperate accounts as well as a joint, If I had thousands in savings and his car packed in, I'd definitely give him the money for it and not expect it back either

Disgraceful behaviour by your DH. He should be helping you looking at your options and financially supporting you.

You don’t think there’s something wrong with this picture, where you’re driving an unreliable piece of junk and scrabbling together the last of your savings to fix it, and he’s sitting on over £100k (I presume) in savings?

RUN.
As fast as you can, in the opposite direction. GET OUT NOW.

I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

I'd feel uneasy that my HUSBAND wouldn't just buy me a car.

I'd feel uneasy that our money was so separate actually. All money is family money and you need a car 🤷

Whatever about you thinking that maybe a 'loan' is ok. It's more the fact that he stuck interest on top, and as others have said, how come his savings are his savings, but you taking a bank loan would be his debt and as such he isn't happy with you doing that. I think it's very controlling to be honest. I'd feel a lot better taking out a bank loan in this instance and not being under his thumb! You'll probably receive penalties should you miss a payment with him. It's really not on.

I will never understand men like this. Trying to save a few quid only to end up spending thousands on a divorce settlement.

My vag slams shut just thinking about it.

bahahaha

Wow. What is the point in being married to him?

I divine from mention of "mum being from a different generation" that your husband is using some skewed view of "feminist independence" to treat you appallingly. You are made to think it is "only fair" that you keep finances separate and 50-50. That is one way to do things if you are housemates, but as a married couple, you should be living a united lifestyle. Where does your invaluable housework, birthing and raising of the children fit in with his "feminist independence" theory? Do not be a MUG.

Your friend also uses the term my savings not ours, I find that very strange. I am older so did wonder if this was how young couples live these days, thankfully MN has shown me that this is not the norm. My husband keeps nagging me to upgrade my car (from our shared finances), he says it will give him peace of mind as he hates the thought of my little old car (which I love) on the motorways and wants me to be safe, yours will have your DC in it, your DH should be buying you a tank.

Why does he thinks debts are shared but not savings?

Divorce him and use your half of the marital assets to buy a new car.

He said it would be enough for ‘luxuries’ each month like new clothes and a hair cut, not just the basics for the baby.

How very nice of him to facilitate you not living in rags and behind able to afford the luxury of haircuts while you're recovering from huge body trauma while raising his child, while he maybe takes two weeks off and continues his career unhindered

I'm 36 and if I need a new car my husband would use his savings. He earns more than me, its OUR money because we are a team and neither of us take the piss.

Look, you don't have to believe us, just maybe consider that the majority on this thread are saying he's being totally unreasonable and maybe take professional advice and make sure you're happy you have proper detailed answers and a sodding contract to every question you have before ttc with him.

We have seperate bank accounts - works for us.

I could just about see paying back the "loan" though I'd not be keen but expecting interest - no.

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

I don't think the loan is the only issue there - all the extra costs that come with children - I think you may find you'd be expected to pay for all the childcare enabling you to go back to work and probably all the child costs despite all the fine words now - or explaining every penny spent.

I've had friends in ths situation not so bad they leave but they often get very resentful - and they frequently find working or not working DH isn't supportive.

I think you'd be mad to have kids and hope it improves. As for the loan I'd think hard about getting one from a bank or other loan agreement - it may cost more but come with fewer strings.

@MrKlaw

So it's technically joint money, just in an account in your wife's name? That makes sense.

We recently rejigged our finances as we were similar in that our 'joint' account was basically my current account because that's where all the DDs etc came out of, but it was a pain DH not being able to have a card for it or see transactions so we opened up a proper joint account and now we both just stick 80% of everything we earn in there and that pays for all 'joint' stuff and we keep 20% in our personal accounts to do what we want with. Seems to be working quite well so far.

Just pay back the exact amount that you owe. Don't pay any interest. What a dick. You are his wife, not some mate.

He sounds like a dickhead

I know he is your husband OP and you'd never think the above, but I really do have to agree with the above comment. To be honest, I'd have no problems in telling him to his face he was a dick head too for what he is doing.

He might think he's astute with money, but he's being vile.

@Sparklyring you basically said "our savings are shared but DH chooses how to spend them"

He earns 3 times what you do and you take it in turns to pay for meals out.

You have an elderly car on its last legs and he has enough in savings to buy a small house

He is going to transfer you enough money to buy essentials for the baby and you to get yourself a few little luxuries.

If you have children with him, you will never hear the end of him having to support you. You won't get any mat leave because you're self employed so you will be completely financially dependent on him.

He is abusive and if he is abusing you, he will abuse your children too. You'll be scrimping and saving while he buys himself a new car.

Your life and your children's lives will be utterly miserable

I don't think this is an issue of separate finances, the issue is the DHs attitude.

I have "separate" finances on paper eg my salary gets paid into my account but I have a card for DHs account. It's more down to lack of organisation & not getting round to changing it. Also because DHs pays for most things I have more than enough disposable income of that makes sense but we see it all as joint money.