DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Fucking hell. I earn nothing. I am a SAHM. DH is the earner. If I need anything, I go and get it. I always do him the courtesy of letting him know if I'm making a bigger purchase. If I needed a new pair of jeans or a haircut I would just go and get them. I contribute in other ways, such as sacrificing my career to run our home and raise our children so that he can work. Half his wages are therefore mine. If my car was fucked and we had the money for a new one in the bank he would say, "We'll go shopping at the weekend."

Reading your defence of him made my stomach turn.

He sounds like every selfish, abusive, manipulative man we read about on here....such a kind, generous man, so thoughtful and caring...

You’ve got your head well and buried in the sand.

He shouldn’t have to give you pocket money every month, you should have full access to his money and use it as needed because it is family money.

You will go ahead and have children with him, everyone on here knows that, and we can all see exactly how things will pan out for you.

I’m gobsmacked that you think the way he treats you is acceptable.

Love is blind.

And if you have a baby will he expect you to pay for everything for him/her?

There are three tenets to a successful marriage on which you absolutely have to be on the same page.

1. Attitudes to spending and saving money
2. Views on having, and raising children
3. Attitudes to household tasks and tidiness

He is failing, badly, at the first hurdle. His attitude absolutely stinks. He wants to be married while keeping his finances as if he were a single man. Please do not have children with this Scrooge.

I bet he's got a nice shiny car that is practically brand new compared to
the old wreck you've been driving round in too.
If I'm right that alone should tell you volumes about how much he thinks of you.

He wants to charge you intertest on a car loan but you believe he will give you plenty of allowance money while you are on maternity leave? Sorry but that's very naïve.

I spoke to my mum last night and she was appalled that he was ‘loaning’ me the money in the first place. The thing is, she’s of a different generation and my dad has always paid for everything so I guess she would take that viewpoint.

Your mums reaction is right OP. In our marriage, my wife and I don't "lend" each other anything at all.

If you needed to borrow your husbands car, would you have to beg? My wife uses mine often as sometimes she travels long distances and mine is bigger and more comfy (it's not my car before anyone asks why I have the bigger one!!). She'll just say, can I use your car on X day(s) as I'm going to such and such, I've never and wouldn't say no, she can just take it. Only time I have said no was when it was going in for a service.

Your setup sounds so weird, taking it in turns to pay for meals?? I bet you have to get a round in down the pub too.

It doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Tell him if your debt is his, then his money is yours.

If he won’t give it interest free tell him no thanks, you’re having the leased car.

He can’t stop you doing it and nor should he.

OP, it’s not just Mat Leave you have to think about, though I think him paying you an allowance is actually ridiculous.

What about after that? Nurseries and childminders have structured hours, school even moreso. If you’re new to Mumsnet then stick around for 2 weeks and you’ll see your future posted in AIBU: OP will be on PT hours because her DH is the high earner, pays most of the mortgage, expects OP to do ALL things related to children, pay most things related to children (childcare fees, uniform, birthday parties and party presents, etc), do everything in the home (plus grocery shop) AND will then tell them how lucky they are to have it so good and/or resent that the OP doesn’t earn what they earn. Oh and the DH will have a great £££ hobby while OP rarely gets out because a) childcare and b) money.

You need this car to get to work, just like you need the use of the bathroom so that you can be clean enough to go to work ....would he charge you to use the bathroom?
The car isn't a luxury hobby item it's an essential without which you can't function in your day-to-day life

I’ve just googled surrogacy costs. The prices start at USD 50k + costs + earnings lost.

Yeah, return his spreadsheet with one of your own.

I had a friend who's partner begged her for a child ( she already had children from a previous relationship ). When she was on mat leave his financial contribution changed from the promised " I'll make up the gap in your wages " to " I'll inspect the fridge on a weekly basis and replace what I see fit". She defaulted on car loan and was dependent on her friends for cash. He was well off but very controlling and tight ( think, you're using too many wipes) and they are no longer together. He also refuses to pay proper child maintenance now and will send the child home with random bags of shopping and will then text my friend to say that's her payment for the week . Your DP is showing you who he is . Your choice if you want that life or not

Just waiting for this thread to be deleted as 'the poster has reason to believe it is outing'

Eg she doesn't like the answers as it's making her re-evaluate how much of a 'nice guy' her husband really is.

I'm horrified - he has enough in the bank to buy a small house and he can't give you a couple of grand for a decent second hand car with low mileage?

Calling it a loan I could understand, if your finances are separate and that's how you prefer to live. I have a similar set up with my partner. But the repayment plan plus interest is a bit... off.

You think he is generous?!!!

He is actually hugely controlling and he doesn't trust you to make any decisions or want you to have any control over "his" money, which is pretty awful. He also wants you to raise his kids in an arrangement where he makes every financial decision and where you will always have to ask for permission to spend anything. This is not ok.

A better arrangement would be for you both to determine what amount of what you bring in is "yours" (ie to be spent and saved as you like without question from the other partner), bank that separately and share the rest.

Please don't have children with this man. Really, there is no point - he will never see you as an equal partner. In fact, on his arrangement he will see you as an "expense" that he is carrying. You deserve so much better.

Will your maternity allowance be a loan too?

14 pages long so I'm sure I have nothing new to add but I just had to post to say that is really grim, so much for being a team when you get married, I wouldn't be having kids with him, will he be giving you "loans" when you're on maternity leave having his children? gross

Tell him if your debt is his, then his money is yours
And as you say this watch his face for that flash of anger...

Your husband and friend sound crazy.
It’s not a gift! It’s using money from what will be a family unit’s pot, to make one of the members lives easier.
Tbh he sounds like a dick. Profiting from his wife’s misfortune?!
I agree with your DM that it’s ridiculous that you have to pay him back, though it’s not an age thing, as I’m only in my 20’s.
I’d take the business loan out to prove a point.

I cant believe this thread, you need to get yourself together and have a proper think about this. It's just completely illogical from every point of view. Are you his wife or not? You might be married but you don't sound like it. Please don't bring a child into this.

It seems very odd that you keep things so separate if you are married. You obviously knew that he was like this and have mainly agreed with it so far though. Whether or not you agree to it being alone you should certainly be refusing to pay interest. If you doesn't agree if I think you should reconsider whether you want to stay married and certainly whether you want to have children.

Regarding having children, it probably isn't a good idea but if you do decide this I think you need to really negotiate beforehand in the same way that he does. He certainly would need to do more than just compensate you for loss of earnings in the short-term. You are also taking the risk to your health and that I think deserves quite high compensation if he really wants to be mercenary about everything. Make sure you negotiate a high monthly amount and if he doesn't fancy paying more than a minimal amount go straight to divorce.

Oh dear god I've read your most recent post.
You're stuffed OP unless you open your eyes. Do not have dc with this man he will not look after you. He will send you a spreadsheet of what you've spent.
You will worry everyday how much you spend feel guilty you're 'living off 'his' money. And an allowance wtf is it the 1950's. Tell him you need the allowance now to prove he will help you, he can clearly afford it and you can say you're just putting it into an account for now to save for baby. He won't do it op and he pulls all the strings.
I do hope you see sense soon you're in complete denial about how bad this is.

alone a loan

Haven’t read the full thread but this is bizarre to me. Whatever money DH and I have is ours, jointly. Savings are for a ‘rainy day’ such as... oh I don’t know... needing to buy a new car?! He sounds like a dickhead

Ugh. Do people really take turns at paying for meals etc when you're married? Surely it's just a joint expense that comes out of pooled money?

My wife always pays as she has the credit card and saving account access. Always amusing to see how many staff bring the bill to me automatically..

We don't have joint savings (maybe I should consider it for tax/inheritance reasons but we don't have enough savings yet). Everything is in my wife's name and we split bills, have 'pocket money' the same for each other, and the rest goes into her savings account. We rejig every year to reflect changes in salary/bills etc.