DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

I hope you are married op. Divorce him now and take half of everything

Just out of interest does he insist on you paying half of holidays etc? My ex was like that even when he got a windfall . It's an unattractive quality and will get worse if you have children and give up any semblance of financial control. If it were me I would take the loan and use it for a divorce. Just a horrible way to treat your so called partner

Definitely do a spreadsheet where you detail what you're going to charge him for the use of your womb for 9 months for incubating the baby, then the use of your mammary glands/milk ducts for nourishing said baby
I think that's going to cost a lot more than a car 🙂

This is not normal at all. It might be in the small circle of your friends, but honestly, there’s a wider world of people out there. I don’t think he should be asking for it back at all. You’re meant to be a team.

He should not be treating you like this. No way would I have children with him. He won’t share the family resources with you equally, he’s already told you that.

Honestly raising children is such hard work. You need to feel like you’re in it together.

Lack of generosity in a man so damn unsexy OP - think very very carefully before having a baby with this man

Wow

This situation and the unanimous replies are really interesting to me, op. I was brought up with a financially abusive father so i have a somewhat skewed view of money. When i read your op, i thought, well if the total interest charge is £150 over the 3 years, then it's win, win. He doesn't lose out on the interest he would have earned and you get a cheap loan, because i assume a bank loan /car finance would cost more than £150.
Then i read all the replies saying don't have children with him and your subsequent post about him paying you a 'reasonable' amount per month, and alarm bells starting ringing at this point for me. I'd want to know how he felt he would handle a sudden life change, are you really a team? What if you having a child did not follow the usual course? What if the child was disabled, or something happened to you that meant you couldn't return to work full time? Is he really willing to support you through thick and thin? Those are the questions i would want answered before having a child with him. The car thing is not really this issue imo, other than it flags up a possible problem in future.

Well op I'm from the same generation as you and I can't believe he's not just buying the car for you.

Dh and I used to roughly earn the same pre DC, since DC my income is now a third of what it was due to working part time in a more family friendly role. DH is now earning a lot more than the previously was so his income is now 10x mine.
I keep all of my salary in my own account, he puts the equivalent into his own account for personal spends and the entire rest of his income goes into our joint bills and joint savings accounts.
He gave me one of his cars. He owned our home before we got married, once we were married we both went onto the mortgage and the deeds were put into both of our names.

We are a family and a team. I received some inheritance last year and it went straight into our joint savings account.

I strongly suspect you'll view things very differently if you do have a child with this man.

Hmmm, if I was sitting pretty on those kinds of savings and DH's car went kaput, I would pay to sort it outright, there'd be no loan/repayment at all, and I'm sure he'd do the same for me.

I could barely read your post, it was so obscured by red flags.

Absolutely no point in all those posters voting, you aren't going to listen. You are actually defending him? I'm gobsmacked.

Do you (and he) not see the logic fail here?

He doesn’t want you to get a loan because your debt will be his debt, but he has to loan you money because his savings are his own. So his stuff is his and your stuff is.......whose exactly? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ You understand what bullshit that is right?

Fundamentally and at root - over and above all the other seemingly kind and nice and balanced gestures - he is parsimonious and mean. He does not view the two of you as you as a unit. He sees you as ‘less than’ because you have less. Do you really want to constantly feel like you are cap in hand to him for the rest of your life?

He’s got enough savings for a house, but you can’t have a car to work. What a vile cunt

I would let your husband read this thread....

Ps- what @UYScuti said 👌🏼

Your defence if him has made it worse.
You are a family. All assets and debts are joint. A new car is a family asset. All savings are family assets. He doesn’t get to dole you out some money while you’re on maternity leave like some sort of noblesse oblige.

Following your update....
"He’s incredibly caring and generous to everyone he knows (including me) when it comes to practical help"

He's your husband!!! Giving practical help isn't being 'caring and generous' - it's called a partnership.

Your update sounds like you justifying and enabling his controlling behaviour. You might not see it as controlling - but you're already having to negotiate what he'll give you whist you look after the baby. "Enough for a hair cut or a luxury" - I see him patting you on the head saying - there you go my dear, enjoy your little treat, and remember that I paid for it, don't spend it all at once.

And what about when you return to work? Nursery costs, clothes, toys, day trips, time off when they're ill?

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

I agree with a PP too - your friend who sees his POV is also a twat.

You are going to be so suckered if you have a baby with him as he will be the one determining what are luxuries for you.

Dh was always the higher earner and we did a percentage split for bills etc. Then I worked part time after Ds1 was born so we did a rejig of the finances because of the childcare costs. But money was put into a joint account, we both had the same amount of money left over for frivolity in our own accounts.

I have now been a SAHM for 15 years and when I needed a new car Dh bought me a brand new car. Did loads of research to ensure it was safe as I was the one driving the children around. His entire world is in one car every day.

I couldn't be with someone who wanted to charge me interest. I know that lending family members may entail interest but you are his wife who needs car for her job.

I have access to all bank accounts, money, I buy stuff on a joint credit card and Dh just pays it. We have been married 20 years and all his earned money is family money.

Listen to pp (and to your gut by the sounds of it you KNOW this isn't right)

Op once you have dc it is extremely difficult to simply walk away. Right now you posted because something isn't quite right here.

This is not normal and is a terrible route straight into him financially abusing you. How on earth will you live when he 'loans' you money to cover time off work looking after his dc. Forget all the 'he'll change once dc are here' ' he'll change because he loves me' shit. This won't happen. He will stay the same.

You make the change leave this man.

And btw your debt would be in your name not his unless you take a joint loan out so he'd already misleading you.
Remember what you married for, surely it was for a partnership to make your life better being part of a couple rather than single. Is he truly doing this?
Leave now. Someone out there will treat you so much better and you do deserve that.

Wtf. Unless you have a pre nup you know his savings are also yours? This is crazy and I cannot imagine my dh treating me this way, it’s not normal.

its odd. He sounds like a financial control freak. But why wouldn't he suggest going through the business for the obvious tax benefits?

How are your day to day finances structured? Are you 50:50 towards bills etc or does he contribute proportionate to his income? I can't believe he seems to be keeping his entire spare salary for his own personal savings with no concept of a joint pool for the home etc.

Ugh. Do people really take turns at paying for meals etc when you're married? Surely it's just a joint expense that comes out of pooled money?

We are unusual by MN standards I've realised in that we do have our own personal spending accounts and the higher earner does have proportionally more spending money (but who that is changes regularly as I'm self-employed) but anything we do together comes from the joint account. Our personal money is literally for stuff just for us, our personal hobbies. Anything we do together or use together comes from the joint account, meals out, holidays, cars, maintaining cars.

What the fuck did i just read?! Your husband should not be charging you interest on a loan! Please don't have children with this man. He ll end up abusing you, financially (when you're on maternity leave/work part time after the baby). I'm married and we share our money. If one needs money for a car repair then we pool our money to help each other out. Because that's what married people do, support each other.

Have you ever asked what he intends to do with his savings OP? The point of savings is to aid in retirement. If, as a married couple, your plan is to stay together till death do you part, are his savings not joint savings for your retirement, or are you expected to pay for your own retirement? I just absolutely flabbergasted by this whole separate finances concept.

This man lives by the archetypal male chauvinist mantra of:
What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own
He's proper old school isn't he....