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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

999 replies

Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 09:21

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 23/01/2020 10:32

Well OP, it seems that in spite of the fact that this thread has had a unanimous verdict of this is so so wrong, you are going to continue on thinking that you are the problem and not him and you are going to have the child with him and come back on here in about 4 years telling us all how shit your life is - and we are going to say, yes, we told you that would happen.

We are not telling you this to upset you - we are telling you this because women post here every day with your issue - although they are often further down the line, and it does not get better (ever) it only gets worse. So we are hoping to prevent this happening for you by telling you, in huge numbers, that this is not normal and you should really, really, think carefully about having a child with this man.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 23/01/2020 10:32

I'd get the bank loan just out of principle. No way would I pay my DH interest on a loan. I'd also be telling him you will not consider TTC until the loan is fully paid off as you don't want to be in a position of not being able to pay your loan off.

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2020 10:33

Don't put yourself in a vulnerable financial position by having a baby with him

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 23/01/2020 10:33

Echoing everyone else's response. this is appalling.

This is financial abuse OP, make no mistake. Don't pretend it isn't. It will worsen with children.

I can't understand why you pay We take it in turns to pay for meals out etc Why?? How do you think this is ok? His account is richer. It surely would be reasonable to presume the wealthier account pays IN AN EQUAL PARTNERSHIP. I hate to say what you 'need' to do OP, but you need to look and notice and learn and atm do NOT have children with this man.

I'm sure your H has good points but it doesn't not make him a financial abuser.

Cryingoverspilttea · 23/01/2020 10:33

File for divorce and take half his savings. The cunt.

StarUtopia · 23/01/2020 10:33

Jesus Christ. This is not normal. Myself and DH have joint accounts - one for bills, one for treating ourselves. Doesn't matter who the fuck earns what. You're married. It belongs to both of you.

I can't believe anyone would put up with this.

Please don't have a baby with this man. Leave now and find someone NORMAL!!

Mol5 · 23/01/2020 10:33

Wtf. You're married.

Haybo26 · 23/01/2020 10:33

This is disgusting! What a giant turd of a man. I'm sorry...but that's not love...that's just plain cold.

SweetPetrichor · 23/01/2020 10:33

That sound crazy in a marriage. In his position I would buy my partner a car not just cause it's the decent thing to do when you're in the position to do so, but also just to know they were safe with a reliable form of transport! If, for example, they insisted that they wanted to go the loan route and pay me back, I certainly wouldn't charge interest.

gospelsinger · 23/01/2020 10:33

Do not write your mum's opinion off because she is a different generation. She is right.

PepsiLola · 23/01/2020 10:33

When you are pregnant you can reclaim the interest charged against the rental of space (womb) you will be charging him?

Aquilla · 23/01/2020 10:34

Sounds awful, OP! It's your job to look after each other now. That's what marriage is. Sorry, but this doesn't sound good.

diddl · 23/01/2020 10:34

He would pay you an allowance?

Christ, that's what we did with our teens!

I think it's odd enough that he would want the money back for something that would surely be of use to the family?

But to want to make money??

Get out while you can!

Wereallsquare · 23/01/2020 10:35

You make 3X less than he does and he has got savings to the tune of a house, and you are paying for meals out? And you will be on a fixed allowance on maternity leave for "luxuries" like a haircut and clothes?

I grew up with a father like that and the meanness (even though you do not seem to understand it that way) extended to the children too. So while we lived in a solidly upper middle-class area and were privately educated, our lives were very different from peers with normal fathers who were not resentful of every penny spent and had a different understanding of "luxuries". It made life really awkward socially, for us, and obviously for my mother too.

All of that to say, even if you accept his selfishness, do not have children with him. They will be miserable and so will you.

Why in 2020 would you agree to be on an "allowance"?

You post has really triggered all kinds of horrible memories for me, OP.

But you will continue to defend him and go on to procreate with him so I will end here.

StarUtopia · 23/01/2020 10:35

Actually ii've been too polite. Just read your post again. So he's got shit loads of savings but he's let you fork out £2k on repairs and race around in an unreliable car.

HE SHOULD JUST BUY YOU A BLOODY CAR.

Jesus.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 10:35

Yeah YOUR debts will be his but HIS money is his, to his way of thinking. Wanting to make money from HIS WIFE via interest on a loan. How can you bear it ?

RandomMess · 23/01/2020 10:35

I would tell him how hurt you are, that he doesn't see you as a true couple and that has put huge doubts on you having DC with him because of his attitude to family finances.

Let him either dig his own hole further or reflect and realise that he doesn't think you deserve to be is equal just because you don't earn as much as him.

Sounds like he will expect you to go back to work and lay 50:50 on everything.... why don't you have a joint account for things you do as a couple that you both pay proportionally into??

When you pay for a meal out that is a huge % of your income compared to his....

He isn't generous, he's just an unofficial money lender!

UYScuti · 23/01/2020 10:36

In the spreadsheet does it say what the penalty will be if you default on the loan?

MummyJasmin · 23/01/2020 10:36

What an awful tight arse!
How can you live with such an individual?!!!

legoninjago1 · 23/01/2020 10:36

Blurgh. This has turned my stomach. Your defence of him shows you're unlikely to listen to the answers on this thread. Overwhelmingly, everyone has said this is awful. It really is. Shows his true colours really. DH and I have at various times earned more than each other. I have more savings than he does. They are absolutely joint. As is everything he's got / put in. As is any debt. Your DH has a horrible controlling attitude to money. There's not a chance I'd stay with him let alone have his children.

sarahjconnor · 23/01/2020 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 10:37

But you will continue to defend him and go on to procreate with him so I will end here.

Sadly, I feel this too.

sallievp · 23/01/2020 10:37

I half expect the op to say it's a joke!!!! I just can't believe it!
Do not have a baby with him!!

MummyJasmin · 23/01/2020 10:38

I'd divorce him and take half!

Elbeagle · 23/01/2020 10:38

What is he planning to do with his savings? Just keep them in an account, steadily growing? I just don’t understand his mindset. If you were to split, they’d be half yours anyway. If you stay together and he decides to spend a portion of them on luxury holidays, for example, will he be going alone as you can’t afford it? Is he happy to have a higher standard of living than you throughout your marriage?