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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

999 replies

Twirlywirlywurly · 23/01/2020 09:21

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 23/01/2020 10:25

Do not have a baby with him. You will be controlled without doubt.

CatteStreet · 23/01/2020 10:25

OP, honestly, you're married, and he's treating you like a housemate. Tbh, I can't get past him having savings - in that amount too! -- that he considers his only while you scrabble and struggle around. Marriage is supposed to bind you together, make you a unit that shares what you have and each helps the other part out in solidarity. That's the actual point of it. It's extremely interesting, btw, that he recognises that about marriage when it comes to debt, but not when it comes to assets. I wonder what he would do/say if you came into a hefty inheritance? I think the situation here is bordering on (or perhaps over the line to) financial abuse, and you would be a fool to have a child with him (which, again interestingly, he is pushing for).

brassbrass · 23/01/2020 10:26

Are there seriously no alarm bells going off that he wants to charge you interest? You say he's ok in every other way but where is his mind at when he's planning on charging you interest?

Also do you really want to find out AFTER you've had a baby that he's not going to give you as much money as you need every month? How much harder will your life be then?

He doesn't see you as an equal.

User12879923378 · 23/01/2020 10:26

Everything me and DH earn is for the family. He earns twice what I do but he works full time and I work part time. I obviously do more of the care of our DS who is 3. We both get paid, the bills get paid, we spend what we need to then we save. I tend to 'keep an eye' on the finances but we both have access to everything and both get the same amount of 'pocket money'

This is us, except that I'm the higher earner and full time worker and my husband is part time and does more childcare.

Any arrangement that involves one person hoarding money which they spend as they like without question for themselves but dole out to the other on their terms and conditions is not family-friendly. And you can tell your friend I said that too.

brassbrass · 23/01/2020 10:27

It's extremely interesting, btw, that he recognises that about marriage when it comes to debt, but not when it comes to assets

Bang on!!!!!

nimski · 23/01/2020 10:27

I can't believe after all these comments you would try and defend him or see 'his side'. Your husband is a selfish arse and your 'friend' no better. I'm appalled.

Tooner · 23/01/2020 10:27

A bloody loan with interest.......Good God, what a tight arsed git he is, your friend is too. What is it about these people where money is the be all and end all.

I read a post yesterday which was.

He's so poor, all he has is money!

I wouldn't want to stay with a man where money in the bank is more important than anything and I certainly wouldn't have a child to him and be beholding to him for bloody pocket money.

Whoops75 · 23/01/2020 10:27

I would get a bank/credit union loan and tell him you can’t ttc until it’s paid off.

No way would I take his money.
I actually wouldn’t stay married to this guy, he isn’t a good guy.

Littlebb2020 · 23/01/2020 10:27

He is a major arsewipe!
Why did you marry this man!??

Adelais · 23/01/2020 10:27

He’s got plenty of savings so more than enough money to buy you a car, there’s no need for a loan! It just doesn’t make sense, the savings should be for both of you.

User12879923378 · 23/01/2020 10:27

Look, we see on this board that loads of women do have children in this sort of situation but it is a recipe for inequality and resentment. There are plenty of men who subscribe to the notion that once you're married and having children together there's a family pot. The only way the ones who don't get this will get it, is if we force them to learn it by refusing to put up with it.

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2020 10:28

Just saw your update. Your making excuses for him. Hmm

Tartyflette · 23/01/2020 10:28

Sorry, I have just seen that you've answered my question about spending when you're on mat.leave - but he would be controlling it!
He doesn't sound very generous at all.
He is the higher earner but you take it in turns to pay for meals out? Does that mean 'turn and turn about' or does he pay, say two times out of three, or three times out of four? If you pay half of the time that is not equal or fair.

Atla · 23/01/2020 10:29

My husband and I have seperate finances but this is crazy. A car is a family asset. He sounds very controlling and men like this often get way worse when kids are on the scene. Think carefully.

Ok, paying him back is fair enough I guess but in his situation I would just buy the damn car. I think I'd rather just get a loan from elsewhere and keep him totally out of it.

bumblingbovine49 · 23/01/2020 10:29

I personally would take the money for a new car (you need it) , say 'yes dear' yo paying back the loan and then not pay him a penny. Let him sue you !! As you are married, your money is joint money. I don't believe that money to buy a new car from your husband to you can considered a loan that you have to pay back

After that, having secured my ability to keep earning money and continuing to be independent, I'd leave him. Please please please do not have children with this man. It will be a disaster

PhilCornwall1 · 23/01/2020 10:29

Been married for 20 years and in all that time we have a joint account, both salaries in the same account. I earn over 2 times what my wife earns, but that's the nature of my job.

If she needs money, it comes from the joint account, job done, she doesn't ask my approval and nor should she.

I cannot believe the way some people live.

damnthatanxiety · 23/01/2020 10:29

Charge him for your time and energy in carrying and giving birth. Charge him for the physical impact on your body. Then charge him for all your services assuming you will be the primary care giver.

Sceptre86 · 23/01/2020 10:30

I am sorry bit I could not be with a person like this. Why on earth would he want to make money off you? I have loaned my dh money in the past and expected it back within a certain time frame set out at the beginning but never asked for anything more than the amount borrowed. I would not have kids with a man like this. What would you do for money whilst on maternity? He sounds like the type that will set up spreadsheets when kids are born to look at who spends what. I think you need to have a serious rethink about your future.

Baaaahhhhh · 23/01/2020 10:30

Ugh - Just no. So many threads about husbands and wives not pooling their resources. I just don't get it, it's so selfish. Sorry, I must be old fashioned, but I don't understand how two people, particularly when married, don't look after one another in financial terms. To me family money, wherever it comes from, is family money, and it pays for everything, end of.

TwentyViginti · 23/01/2020 10:31

You're flailing around desperately to excuse his tight behaviour re the loan, aren't you OP?

Angelw · 23/01/2020 10:31

I guess his career is in finance/accounting. They are always tight fisted.
YANBU, he’s mean hearted.

Atla · 23/01/2020 10:31

I mean if he sees debt as belonging to both of you then surely savings do too? Or is it just when it suits him that your finances are connected?

Spam88 · 23/01/2020 10:31

I can't believe you're defending him Shock

I've never really understood having separate finances when you're married anyway, but this is a whole other level. A loan? With interest? It's fucking bizarre OP.

How generous of him to offer to pay you an allowance when you're on mat leave though Hmm seriously think hard about whether you want to have a child with this man. FWIW, haircuts and clothes aren't luxuries.

Another vote for divorce him and take half his savings 👍

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/01/2020 10:31

I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married it will be my debt, too and I won’t have debt.

Why doesn’t the ‘What’s yours is mine’ chestnut apply to his money then.

I’m sorry op but in my eyes that’s financial abuse.

To echo other posters. Please please do not start a family with this tight fisted git. Kids aren’t cheap and when they need something you have to get it. He’ll have the poor little mite wearing a nappy for a fully day

Winter2020 · 23/01/2020 10:32

Do you do the majority of the housework? Cleaning? Cooking, washing or ironing - send him a bill to show him how ridiculous his behaviour is within a relationship.