Marriage

[MommaJP]

I have my works do coming up it's about 2 hours from where I live, it's all expenses paid I asked hubby if he wanted to come as my +1 he said no I spent weeks trying to convince him he still said no.
So I said I would take a friend instead, everything is sorted and organised.
He's now said that if I do go he will end our marriage.
I feel so confused, I don't want to end our marriage I love him but I also don't want to let him control me but I also don't want to let my work and my friend coming & friends relying on lifts etc down.
Feel like my hearts breaking and my heads gonna explode

@Limensoda are they still together??

What did she say her reasons where ?

09MommaJP Her reasons were that she never goes on trips with any friends.
This is because she doesn't want to...not because she can't or anyone would object. She just doesn't like my son having friends.
Yes, they are still together. My son loves her....but he doesn't think loving someone means being unhappy because they control you.
If she truly loved him, she wouldn't want him to miss out on a special trip with his friends.

You are not pathetic! I understand what what you are saying.

This is not a healthy relationship. How does your relationship look to you? As you reflect can see the value in your relationship? What are you getting from it?

Do you have anyone you can go speak to? Please look for professional advice. You deserve more then what he is giving. You need to believe that.

Go and enjoy yourself. Sounds like you won’t be missing much if he ends things over it, He sounds like a bully and you deserve better.

@Limensoda so does he just do his life as such ?

I just want him to chill the hell out but I don't see it happening.

@bluebella4 I've got friends I can speak to and they have all said at some point I shouldn't be with him, looking back it's very mixed mainly bad evening the wedding and honeymoon because of his behaviour.

All he wanted for the wedding was a stag in Amsterdam so I helped do this and he came back told me he met a girl didn't mention it was his stag or anything and I still married him I'm an idiot but love has made me an idiot

We've all been idiots in love OP, but a relationship like yours cannot go on. He is exerting coercive control, whicj is a form of abuse. I hope you do get legal advice, and I suggest you also contact Women's Aid for advice and support too. You and your child will e so much happier without this prick in your lives.

Friends and family can't tell you til they are blue in the face about cruel he is. But you will try and protect him because you love him but that means not loving yourself, not seeing the value in yourself.

You need to stop listening to him. Very very difficult but you really do. He may think he knows you but he doesn't, he only knows how to bully you.
He is the self centred bully and he is controlling you, already adding and satisfying your thoughts of what you actually think about yourself. I'm sensing you aren't kind to yourself!

Have you been to a counsellor or done any therapy? He is using your experiences to justify his behaviour (foster care) It is not your fault!

Can tell *

Yep I had counselling when I was younger, few years ago he told me I was too much and I got some it did help a little but back where I am now.

I try to be kind but I feel like I'm questing everything, I like to get my nails done he moans every time I pay for it and I stopped doing that started again and again he's loaning everytime !!! I can't win.

Can you see how he has taking over every sense of you?!

Going to counselling is about you not him. You need to find you and be confident in yourself.

You shouldn't need to win. You should be happy. If getting your nails done makes you happy go get them done. You need to learn coping skills to deal with eggs shells situation (I believe because you love him you aren't just going to leave as right now that's not a option for you) the more you work on yourself the more you will see your worth and you will walk away. You just need to find your courage while being kind to yourself.

When he kicks off, that's on him. It's got nothing to do with you. Repeat this over and to stop his words from coming at you. Please go on your night out. If he leaves that shows you that he really wasn't as invested as you were.

You have been through enough as a child. You are now adult you can take control of your life.. YOU DO NOT NEED PERMISSION. Your worth and courage is in there dig down and find it!!

@45MommaJP

My son always considers his wife's feelings but if she is being irrational (which your partner most definitely is in this case) he won't let that affect his choices.
He can't change her, only she can do that, but she definitely won't change if he gives in to her dictating what he can and can't do!

He's a good husband and dad. He doesn't go out all the time with his friends...it may be twice a year and very rarely a trip away...maybe once in a blue moon! That's not unreasonable. He is happy for her to do as she wants but it's her choice not to.
You can't change your partner but changing yourself to suit him is harmful to you.
Tell him you love him and you would rather he didn't end your marriage, but if HE chooses to do that, you will have to accept it but.....you will be going on the trip.

Do not let your child grow up with this as their model of a relationship.

How on earth will he keep your child if your child is your "everything". He also won't take more than half of any money/assets.

You really need to get over the "love made me a fool" thing. It's not love. Get your shit together and see a solicitor and actually listen to what they say. And mostly, protect your child. Do not leave him with this bullying piece of shit

My child is not at risk all in all he's a good dad and wouldn't hurt child.
I don't need bashing I asked for support and advise.

@bluebella4 thank you very much

I think your right maybe to get my head straight so I can put things in order I suppose it's gone on for so long.

I agree I wouldn't want my child to treat someone like this or be treated like this.

Just hard when it's your whole life crumbling.

Good dads don't abuse their child's mum and they don't force their child to grow up in an abusive home.

Love hasn’t made you an idiot.
Not understanding what love actually means, has made you vulnerable to accept idiotic behaviour.

You are 100% in an abusive marriage. Contact Women’s Aid. It doesn’t mean you’re leaving him - but they can help signpost you to resources and support to help you understand what he is doing to you, and why you are accepting it.

As to “all he wanted” for his wedding was a trip without you to Europe’s most famous city for prostitutes... what a good man wants for his wedding, is to have an amazing day with his wife.

Living on egg shells but I feel I'm less unholy with him then without him.

What on earth do you mean - "Less unholy"?

You've had some great advice here but would it be worth moving this to the relationship board? Also check out some of the stickys.

You are definitely in an abusive relationship by the sounds of it and there are some great resources out there like freedom program, talking to women's aid etc.

Do not waste anymore of your precious life with this excuse for a man. Single parenting is daunting but perfectly doable (I'm one)

Good luck.

Thank you all so much for your advice.
I'm looking into forms of advice too know where to go next I've spoken to my friend and she and I will be going next weekend. Wish me luck.

Wishing you all the luck 😀 You deserve happiness never settle for anything less 😀

You say you love your Dh by the big question is does he love you.

Get legal advice about your rights. Then run for the hills.

I do wish you luck, OP, and you must go on your weekend.

But I fear that he will look for some way to punish you or re-exert his control.

So do gather as much power, in the firm of knowledge, as you can. Use your weekend with your friend to enjoy moral support, and to see how much you enjoy yourself without your husband.

Meanwhile have a very good look at the Women’s Aid website and see a solicitor if you can. In terms of your rights you are MUCH stronger than you think. He cannot take your kids, he cannot con you out of your share of the house.
You are strong in rights, but he makes you weak in terms of your emotions and self-esteem.

"My child is not at risk all in all he's a good dad and wouldn't hurt child"

He's already hurting and damaging him. You really do need to see and accept this because you are responsible for your child. He's not a good dad, he's a shit dad. Your friends and family have "told you a million times" to leave him. Who exactly do you think he'll take his frustrations out on when you are gone if not your child?

If he was a good father he wouldn't be abusing the child's mother. How the hell can you not understand that op?