Marriage

[MommaJP]

I have my works do coming up it's about 2 hours from where I live, it's all expenses paid I asked hubby if he wanted to come as my +1 he said no I spent weeks trying to convince him he still said no.
So I said I would take a friend instead, everything is sorted and organised.
He's now said that if I do go he will end our marriage.
I feel so confused, I don't want to end our marriage I love him but I also don't want to let him control me but I also don't want to let my work and my friend coming & friends relying on lifts etc down.
Feel like my hearts breaking and my heads gonna explode

If he is controlling , why is it you who has to change. You will never meet his criteria, however much you try to "change"

@LIZS I think I'm learning that I've really tried though.

You have no future with this controlling bully. There are much better men out there. You have set your bar too low. Everyone else is right. This is not normal behaviour.

What do you love about him? He sounds horrible - does this kind of thing happen a lot?

Go away with your friend - tell her about what is going on at home so you have help/support

I would be lending my marriage myself if my DH said something like this to me

I didn't have the greatest childhood and he showed me love I suppose and gave me my child.
Suppose I'm in for a bumpy few weeks.

Does he have mental health problems OP?

Are you “allowed” out at all to meet friends?

I know you feel as if you live him, but he’s conditioned you to feel responsible for his moods and, whatever you do, you’ll be walking on eggshells with this character.

It is him who is damaged, but I’d you stay with him he’ll drag you down to his level.

It’s great that you posted here, Life will be so much better without this burden of fear and guilt. You only get one life.

Go to your party with your friend and it can be the first day of the rest of your life. He's not a nice man nor a good husband. He is controlling and I would guess refused to go with you because it would be about you not him. I'll tell you now he will never change and you will never be able to satisfy his ever moving criteria for you to to make him happy. He is fundamentally a broken individual and you can't fix him. Please take some control back and make plans to leave him.

Suppose I'm in for a bumpy few weeks.

Only if you allow it. He's the one with the problem here, not you.

he's told me recently how miserable he is because of me

No, he's miserable because people are warning you his behaviour is abuse and you are starting to listen.

Do as @KaptenKrusty said to start with.

Once you have done that come back and start a new thread on how you went to the event and how your controlling husband is now sulking/losing his temper. It doesn't matter if you have to post another 1 or 100 threads so posters make you realise that is not how yo should be treated in a relationship.

He doesn't show you love
He tries to control you
Control is not love
Please leave him

How could being a fosterchild EVER have been your fault?! He sounds like a monster who is exploiting your vulnerability.

You say he wants you to 'change'. How? What hoops have you been trying to jump through to please him? He will always manufacture more hoops, you know. Flaming ones...

You say you love him: I wonder if what you're feeling isn't more like dependence laced with fear. How do your feelings for him compare with what you feel for your child?

You need to tel him very firmly that you’re going and you will not be controlled by him in any way, now or at any future point in your marriage.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

My child's my word !!! I work around him I take him everywhere he's everything.

I don't know just think I'm scared to be on my own.

Please go to the function do not allow him to control you and he'd be doing you a favour if he actually did end your marriage but he won't he'll just bully you and gas light you so that you feel guilty about going and don't ever go anywhere in the future. Coercive control is now a crime please don't be a victim there's a reason why nobody else likes him!

If you are the main carer a child is unlikely to be awarded to the ft custody of other parent.

Get some self respect for fuck sake. Leave this asshole.

Bet he's made you feel that noone else would want you or even accept you, that you'd be nothing and have nothing without him. Do you actually love him or are you just scared about what life would look like without him in it?

You're being emotionally abused and probably have done for a long time.

Go on your works do. Tell him you don't want to be married to someone who would stop you going anyway. Play his game. Worst case, you'll end up free.

Sorry to be a moan just didn't know who to talk to or if it was me or what not
This is really helpful I just need to take a deep breath I think I've been so worried about going and loosing my child and people thinking little of me or I don't know.
I think I'm gonna go and just see if I can try and sort something to move out.

The starting point for finances on divorce [sorry] is 50:50. The theory that one person [for instance "owns" the house] will be taken into account but does not alter the basic premise.

You do need advice for a person who will not take sides [Solicitor etc]

A solicitor will often give 30 minute free consultations to potential new clients, though you will get generic advice, not personalised guidance. That would be a start.

Women's Aid charity has a phone helpline and a survivors' forum that you will find eye-opening. And may I recommend a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (yes, that really is his name!).

He doesn't have to be hitting you for this to be abuse.

He sounds really nasty.

I'll try and contact a solicitor just so I know my rights.

he showed me love I'm sorry he showed you a false sense of security. Something an adult who has experienced what you have mainly look for. Now that he's married you he will continue to become his really self, controlling, manipulative etc.

He's projecting his issues on to you (his insecurities) End result for him, you are his puppet and and you will fall deeply into depression.

You need to put you first, he can't decide what YOU do. It is YOUR life!!
Please don't stop living your life for a man who can support and encourage you.

My son's wife told him she would end their marriage if he went on a long planned trip with his friends. He went. She didn't end their marriage.
If what you are doing isn't harming anyone, if you are being honest and there's good reason, do not give in to emotional blackmail or manipulation.

I would rather lose a controlling or manipulative partner than lose my freedom.

@bluebella4 I haven't been happy if I'm honest for some time!
Living on egg shells but I feel I'm less unholy with him then without him.
Pathetic j know.