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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 01:23

"Falling out with a parent doesn't mean that your biology, DNA, family tree etc is no longer important"

True. I'll take advantages from my DNA and ignore the things I don't like. I don't have to see any of my paternal family to do that.

Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 01:25

OP - I say my comments in the hope you'll think stuff him and not let this affect you.

justonecottonpickingminute · 25/01/2020 01:25

The way some people on this thread are talking to OP is absolutely disgusting. She is a human being who, like all of us, had absolutely no say in how she was conceived, who her parents were, or how they behaved. She had every right to do whatever research she needed to do to gain important knowledge about her and her child’s medical inheritance. It was her sperm donor who contacted her after She made contact with the biological aunt; not the other way round.

I’m so sorry for your recent loss of your lovely dad, OP, but so pleased that you have precious memories of him and that you had such a close bond. Whatever happens with your donor, you will always have an emotional strength from your wonderful relationship with your late parent that too many children lack. Flowers

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 01:34

Whatever happens with your donor, you will always have an emotional strength from your wonderful relationship with your late parent that too many children lack

Thank you, I know I am exceptionally lucky to have had that, and I'm only sorry my children never met him (he missed them by just one month Sad) and has an amazing grandad.

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 25/01/2020 01:35

I think it's a bit shit that donors can be traced tbh .........and that a lot of young men / barely boys were lured into doing this back in the day. It was seen as beer money, a way to pay for a night out or new trainers. They weren't really able to realise the emotional consequences further on, or the consequences of knowing a human now exists because of them.
And as adults, not as kids barely out of school that stuff starts to get real. I really hope the rules have changed.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 25/01/2020 01:39

The way some people on this thread are talking to OP is absolutely disgusting. She is a human being who, like all of us, had absolutely no say in how she was conceived, who her parents were, or how they behaved. She had every right to do whatever research she needed to do to gain important knowledge about her and her child’s medical inheritance. It was her sperm donor who contacted her after She made contact with the biological aunt; not the other way round.

I agree with this. "Something done in a cup for beer money" and all those comments are disgusting. If you haven't mastered the art of communicating without being vile, it might be best to keep quiet.

OP, I totally get your position. I also understand the shock, denial and anger his wife will be feeling. Since the desire to have contact actually came from him I hope its something they can work through together, though it doesn't sound likely so far.

For what its worth, his adult children have a right to know they have a half sibling out there - for a number of reasons. So whilst you may not end up in regular contact with them I really don't agree that pretending you dont exist is the way forward.

VioletCreams · 25/01/2020 07:15

The way some people on this thread are talking to OP is absolutely disgusting. She is a human being who, like all of us, had absolutely no say in how she was conceived, who her parents were, or how they behaved. She had every right to do whatever research she needed to do to gain important knowledge about her and her child’s medical inheritance. It was her sperm donor who contacted her after She made contact with the biological aunt; not the other way round.

I agree that some people have said some horrible things to the OP. While I understand to an extent that if there is young children involved that wouldn’t yet be aware about gamete donation I think adult children should be told. It is then up to them whether or not to seek a relationship with the donor child. If I found out that I’d had half siblings and my parents had kept it from me (in particular if my mum had delivered an ultimatum) I would view them both in a very dim light.

Here1111 · 25/01/2020 07:19

What if its not really his wife, what if its an excuse because he doesnt want to know?
You dont sound like you respect their marriage or feelings. Its all i want to explore that family side. Its probably triggered by your dads loss. Maybe speak to a counsellor specialised in adopted/donated children.

VioletCreams · 25/01/2020 07:23

What if its not really his wife, what if its an excuse because he doesnt want to know?

Because he was the one that initiated contact with the OP after she found her genetic Aunt on a DNA site.

oohnicevase · 25/01/2020 07:36

My dh was born after a relationship when his mother was 15, the father wanted to get married and be a part of his life but she didn't . They parted ways , fast forward 35 years we tracked him down and he was at first keen but then when his wife got wind of it we were told in no uncertain terms to leave them alone .. I personally think that the wife should have no say on the situation and it should be between the child and it's parent . It was before she was around and I believe my dh has a right to know his father . He had no choice in being made but his father albeit a 15 year old did ..
I and it of course would be hard but would welcome a child or adult that belonged to my dh and was a sibling for my children if one turned up at any point.
It's so very hard to be on the receiving end of rejection as the child .

Here1111 · 25/01/2020 07:48

So what if he initiated the contact? He probably wanted to keep control of the situation after his sister alerted him.

Evilspiritgin · 25/01/2020 08:08

It’s not just op she will be worried about if he’s a prolific sperm donator there could be up to 20 - 30 potential biological children out there

I think there is a need for health information to be shared and given freely but anything else

VioletCreams · 25/01/2020 08:20

So what if he initiated the contact? He probably wanted to keep control of the situation after his sister alerted him.

Perhaps! But seeing as the OP wasn’t bothered about it either way and was just looking for medical info he could have just given what she was after and left things as they were. Not “Next thing I knew my bio father/sperm donor got in touch. After a few messages back and forth and a rather awkward phone call said he'd like to build a relationship - but he has only just told his wife. Long story short - she's not happy and doesn't want him to build a relationship. That's all I've been told. He's thinking about what he needs to do.”. If he didn’t want to know then he shouldn’t have kept messaging back, spoke on the phone nor say he’d like to build a relationship. That’s a pretty dickish thing to do if that was the case.🤷🏻‍♀️

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 08:25

many have said donors didn't know the outcome so no he's not going to mention a child he doesn't have

It’s not about being dim🙄 but if you have made a donation then there is a possibility It may have been used. So it doesn’t bloody matter if he knew about a child or not. He didn’t even think it was important to mention it to his wife! However, now your here and inserting yourself into their life and the wife should just be happy about that.

Please answer the question re egg donors - already did, equal say.

I agree with this. "Something done in a cup for beer money" and all those comments are disgusting. If you haven't mastered the art of communicating without being vile, it might be best to keep quiet

It’s not disgusting, it’s just the truth. If you don’t like hearing the truth then don’t post on a open forum.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 08:40

You're a revolting person Sparkle, truly. Probably projecting. I suppose you think you're superior because you were something "done in a vagina"? Well done you.

So as I asked if the two disagree on the "equal say", who wins?

Not "inserting myself in their lives" he has inserted himself in MY life. I made contact through his sister, he could have passed on medical info if he didn't want contact.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 09:00

Why because I don’t agree with you? Projecting what exactly😂 don’t make me laugh.

i suppose you think you're superior because you were something "done in a vagina"? Well done you

Iv never even heard of the above term before! How does being ‘done in a vagina’ make someone superior? I haven’t said that. Looks like your projecting.

No one ‘wins’. A choice would be made and the outcome of that choice will then have a knock on effect.

Well you clearly did insert yourself into their life’s by contacting his sister. YOU contacted them. His family. His sister.

RoseWines · 25/01/2020 09:06

Sparkle567 views have been gross, I'm disgusted reading them. Alot of the views on here have been horrid.

I don't agree with gamete donation either. So its not a differing opinion i find gross, its the actual comments which have been vile.
OP sorry you've had to read all that, people are monsters

Letseatgrandma · 25/01/2020 09:10

Goodness-loads of the guys in my halls donated sperm at uni-it was an easy £20 or whatever fur beer!

So, they can be traced now?! I’m amazed anyone donates.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 25/01/2020 09:14

Sorry Letseatgrandma saying men donated for beer money makes you a 'monster' even though it's entirely true.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 09:27

No one ‘wins’. A choice would be made and the outcome of that choice will then have a knock on effect

So man wants contact. Wife doesn't. What's the outcome? They can't both have their way.

Well you clearly did insert yourself into their life’s by contacting his sister. YOU contacted them. His family. His sister.

Again not sure if you're being obtuse or just dim - he made the first contact with me. Please explain how that's me inserting myself into him and his wife's lives? I had no idea he was even married or had children until he contacted me.

And seeing as you asked you're disgusting because you're dehumanising individuals who haven't been conceived in traditional ways and think the feelings of an insecure wife come first. Like I say, sorry your own marriage is so obviously insecure

OP posts:
Cordylina · 25/01/2020 09:30

’The home DNA thing has opened up a can of worms. I think it's hugely unfair to people who were given the expectation (even guarantee) of anonymity, to now be thrown into this situation.’

True but anonymous donation never acknowledged the needs of the child. For some it might be wanting access to familial medical history and mild curiosity. For others it’s a need to feel a connection. It was always going to cause issues for a significant number of those involved. Donating eggs or sperm might not make you a parent but DNA makes up who we are - it’s not like giving blood.Changes in technology now mean that it’s the donors who are facing consequences rather than the children.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 09:30

Sorry Letseatgrandma saying men donated for beer money makes you a 'monster' even though it's entirely true

I really don't think that's what RoseWines meant (but you o course knew that).

Letseat anonymous donation hasn't been allowed since the early 90's. Of course no one foresaw DNA testing and the likes of Ancestry. But it is what it is - and IMO the right of a child to know where they came from trumps that of a man wanting to retain his beer money anonymity

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 25/01/2020 09:30

Sorry Letseatgrandma saying men donated for beer money makes you a 'monster'

Why does that make me a monster?

Kit19 · 25/01/2020 09:30

I’m truly open mouthed at some of the replies on here. OP I hope you are ok - this really can’t be easy to read x

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 09:34

Rights aren't law. Every donor has ever right to close the door and have no contact.

The ones responsible for any fall out are the people who created the child for their own wants.